Scraps from My life...

I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

2012-02-06T07:39:00.000-08:00

I have indefinitely fallen in love with this song ^^

Rude awakening

2012-02-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever awoken,
in the searing austerity of no man's land?
a place where sound is unspoken
and there be no place to rest your hand

Your feet tread paths unseen
possibilities being overwhelmingly grand
but in the end, indecision is the only thing you glean
in this barren area of no man's land...

I can't tell you how terrifying it is to wake up suddenly feeling you've lost all purpose to live. I don't mean this in a dejected, suicidal way, but rather in a somewhat zoned-out way in which you really don't know what you're supposed to be doing with this precious little thing called life you've got continuously slipping away like a handful of sand. It was a bizarre feeling, and one that I really hadn't expected. To put it in other terms, it was like asking myself "What the hell have you been able to contribute to this world in the past 18 years and 8 months of your existence so far?" and all I could do was reply with a pitiful "I don't know. Nothing I guess". Surely it can't be that bad? Perhaps my mortal memory was to blame for my lack of finding anything that could've justified my existence so far. Or perhaps it all came down to the simple truth that I haven't actually done much at all to be remembered by..

I don't like lingering on negative thoughts like this. Which is why I sometimes forget and eventually just end up deluding myself into thinking that I'm breezing through life as perfectly as anyone could. But, of course, perfection and humans can't really go into the same sentence while still upholding at least an essence of truth; it's just part of our nature to be undeniably 'flawed' in some areas. But, I digress.

Back to the matter at hand, I think one of the major reasons I finally found myself cornered into acknowledging the problem I was facing was because I suddenly didn't know just what the heck I'll be doing after I graduate. I started the 'if only' game with my past self again, 'if only I'd put more thought into my choice of classes during that middle year of high school', 'if only I'd have been brave enough to try out for those scholarships abroad' (I called it quits before I even gave any sponsors a try; an idiotic and cowardly mistake), and now, will I still be mad enough to try a drastic change in majors? I can tell you I was seriously tempted to do so at one point after watching this Blue Planet documentary on deep sea creatures (or perhaps I should just stop watching nature documentaries? that'd be an easier solution, no doubt, haha)

Because, truth be told, my outlook on international relations isn't as excited as people might expect. I remember when I came off with an almost disgust for the whole studies and practice of it all after I'd (half) read Independent Diplomat by Carne Ross. Because of that book I finally saw diplomacy or perhaps more precisely the foreign services for what it really was, another bureaucratically laden chunk of taxpayers' money that dealt with problems so literally 'out there' that it never really seemed to help those that really needed it. The UN, the INGO's, and even the embassies, (but particularly the UN) oftentimes, and as ironic as this may seem, are just too big to directly deal with the problems that the small people out there are facing on a day-to-day basis. Conferences are held, plenary sessions are conducted annually, and yet, more often than not all that they really are are an excuse to have what could essentially be deemed as a paid vacation in a ritzy hotel for a week or so whilst occasionally churning out treaties and resolutions that don't even make much of a difference. I can't say it's not enjoyable. No doubt anyone would jump at the opportunity to set foot in exciting new countries on a near monthly basis. But travelling's just supposed to be a perk of the job, not the main essence of it. The last time my dad came back from one of these conferences (an IRENA con at Dubai a couple weeks back) he didn't exactly come home with the air of someone who'd just played a part in shaping the fate of the world (okay, that's a bit hyperbolic). But that's what diplomats are supposed to do, right? We're the agents of change for the entire world. We have the power to make resolutions that can impact the lives of 6 billion people all across the globe. There's got to be some kind of satisfaction after knowing that you'd played such an integral role. Unless, that's not what really happens, and all of that agents of change hubbub was just a part of that quintessentially diplomatic sweet talk to mask the blandly uneventful reality of it all. And that's a problem for me.

I want to get out there. I want go down with people from all walks of life and just utterly give myself to them in whatever way I can to help (perhaps if I weren't so squeamish I would've just studied to be a doctor, then this all too altruistic desire of mine would at least be easier sated). I want that satisfaction of knowing that I did something worthwhile in my life, something that really left its mark not only in myself but also in other people around me. So why the heck did I choose to keep trudging along this path, even though I am and have been aware that I've been 'trudging' along it all this time? Perhaps it's because I've just given up already. Or perhaps it's actually destined to be this way.. Okay, blaming it all on madame fate is a pretty low blow, so I won't give in that easily, but I guess that's the best I can do until I figure out what it is I'm going to do with myself.

Ingatan Tentang Kalian - Dewi Lestari

2011-09-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

Dalam ranah yang mereka sebut keabadian
Aku bersemayam bersama ingatan tentang kalian
Kudekap dan kuucap namamu satu demi satu
Sebelum lautan cahaya melarutkan kita dan waktu
Walau tiada aksara di sana
Walau tiada wujud yang serupa
Tanpa pernah tertukar aku menemukanmu semua
Sebagaimana engkau semua menemukanku
Empat, lima, dan enam
Berapapun banyaknya kita tersempal
Perlahan lebur menjadi tunggal
Dua, satu, dan kosong
Bersama kita lenyap menjadi tiada

Dalam ranah yang mereka sebut kehidupan,
Aku dan kalian menangis dan meregang di antara ruang
Aku dan kalian tersesat dalam belantara nama dan rupa
Masihkah kau mengenali aku?
Masihkah aku mengenalimu?
Jiwa kita tertawa dan berkata:
Berjuta kelahiran dan kematian telah kita dayakan,
Berjuta kata dan sabda telah kita ucapkan,
Berjuta wadah dan kaidah telah kita mainkan,
Hanya untuk tahu tiada kasih selain cinta
Dan tiada jalinan selain persahabatan
Meski tak terkira banyaknya nama dicipta
Meski tak terhingga rasa menjadi pembeda
Aku akan menemukanmu semua, sebagaimana engkau semua menemukanku
Sahabat, jika kita berpecah raga
Satu, jika kita memadu raga
Tiada, jika hanya jiwa

Inilah kenangan yang kucuri simpan
Saat kubersemayam dalam ranah yang mereka sebut keabadian

Inilah kenangan yang kusisipkan di sela-sela mentari dan bulan
Yang kelak mereka bisikkan saat kucari kalian
Dalam belantara yang dinamai kehidupan

Ingatan pertama dan terakhir
Yang mengikuti saat aku terlahir
Yang bersembunyi hingga kalian semua hadir
Yang menemani saat udara usai mengalir

Cinta dan sahabat
Sahabat dan cinta
Itulah jiwa yang terpecah dengan sederhana

Sisanya fana

Dedicated to the incredible inhabitants of IC-IV, but especially to Aida, Nuni, Nino, Nano, Anti, Fei, Arie, Ariq, Dani, and of course Sir Edo
Thank you for filling these past 3 years and especially these last 3 months with some of the most unforgettable moments of my life. We'll meet again in 3 more months, Insha Allah :)

My Wonderful Extended Family :)

2011-08-31T08:10:00.000-07:00

Today was supposed to be about me devoting myself exclusively to my family, but for some reason, this family and the memories I shared with them, was the only thing on my mind for the entire day...

"Family isn't whose blood you carry, it's who you love and who loves you."
— Jackie Chan Spy Next Door

A Lovely Lebaran

2011-08-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

Lebaran tahun ini,

On the road ke rumah saudara, di jalanan tiba-tiba nostalgia. Ngelewatin jalur busway yang ke arah Tomang, keingat dulu pas mau iceskating+beli kado pernikahan Kak Nita di MTA. Sebenernya perjalanan pulangnya sih yang lebih berkesan. Why? Karena itu pertama kalinya gue dan kawan-kawan naik ‘busway sarden’ alias busway jam orang pulang kantor, yang saking penuhnya lo ga perlu pegangan pun ga bakal kenapa-napa; orang di kiri, kanan, depan, belakang, serong diagonal pun bakal mastiin lo ga akan jatuh. Sebelumnya ngak ada seorang pun dari kita berenam yang pernah naik busway dalam kondisi separah ini, cuma pernah denger cerita-cerita doang. Pas nyampe di dalamnya, setelah beberapa menit bertukaran tatapan-tatapan penuh horor, akhirnya pada cekakak-cekikik juga. Berenam akhirnya bikin lingkaran ato entah bentuk apa waktu itu yang berhasil kebikin, yang penting kita ga terpisah satu sama lain. Di tengah-tengah lingkaran serampangan kita, bak harta karun yang dijaga dengan taruhan nyawa, terletak bungkusan kantong plastik super besar yang berisi kado pernikahan Kak Nita. Bodo lah kita mau didorong, disikut, digencet sekalipun sama orang-orang disekitar kita, yang penting bungkusan kado tersebut tetap aman tak terjamah. Dan lebih epicnya lagi, meskipun kita dalam keadaan yang seekstrem itu, kita tetep aja bisa-bisanya masih ngobrol, ngelawak, ngegombal, bahkan main yang mainan pake jari ngangkat 1,2 itu lho, gue ga tau apa namanya, pokoknya kita yang paling heboh sendiri deh di busway itu. Seumur-umur gue belom pernah sebahagia itu padahal dalam kondisi kaki udah mau ambruk gara2 seharian dipake buat jalan+iceskating.

Lebaran tahun ini,

Dapat sms ucapan selamat lebaran dari orang yang ngak diduga. SMSnya kayak gini: “Selamat Idul Fitri 1432 H. Semoga puasa yang sudah dijalankan sebulan ini diterima oleh Allah SWT. Amin :) “

Sekilas, SMSnya terasa cukup simple, dan sangat teramat biasa-biasa aja, apalagi kalo mengingat berlusin-lusin sms yang udah gue terima yang intinya ya gitu-gitu juga. Tapi pas gue lihat pengirimnya, jujur gue langsung shock, tapi shocknya sambil tersenyum penuh bahagia (gile ye?). Ternyata yang ngirimin sms kali ini teman gue yang seorang Kristen.

Ga tau kenapa tapi momen-momen kayak gini nih yang selalu membekas banget di hati gue. Sampe sekarang pun gue masih ingat pas upacara bendera di SMA dulu, anak yang disamping gue seorang Kristen juga. Ga selalu dia sih, tapi biasanya dia. Selain karena anaknya emang luar biasa baik dan ramah, satu hal lagi yang bikin gue melabel dia sebagai anak yang ‘special’ bagi gue adalah setiap kali pembina upacara ato siapalah yang lagi ngomong di depan bilang “Assalmu’alaikum Wr. Wb.”, dia langsung jawab, tanpa malu-malu sedikitpun “Wa’alaikumsalam Wr. Wb.” Bahkan lebih lengkap dan jelas daripada kebanyakan anak-anak 21 lainnya yang memang beragama Islam. Dan satu hal lagi, saat doa pun dia ikutan. Pas bagian bahasa arabnya dia memang masih diam, tapi pas doanya mulai dlm bahasa Indonesia, dia ikut ngangkat tangan, dikepal di depan dada. Bukan dikepal juga sih, tapi ya cara berdoanya orang Kristen deh.

Kadang teman-teman gue yang ngeliat hal kyk gini juga bingung dan bertanya-tanya “Kenapa mereka ga sekalian jadi Muslim aja ya kalo udah kyk gitu?” Gue juga ga pernah bisa menjawab lebih dari sekedar “Entahlah, mungkin memang belum dibukakan pintunya sama Allah SWT.” Tapi jujur, bagi gue mereka mau menghormati dan bahkan menghayati Islam sampai sejauh itu pun udah senang dan terharu luar biasa. Rasanya gue pengen nunjukin ke orang-orang yang di Barat dan Timur Tengah sana: GINI LOH SEHARUSNYA ORANG YANG BERBEDA AGAMA BERINTERAKSI.

FYI, eyang uyut gue seorang Kristen. Pas nyekar dulu, mama tetap aja bacain al-fatihah dan ayat kursi di atas makamnya..

Lebaran tahun ini,

Entah kenapa berkesan banget pas denger mama bilang kata ‘papa’. Yang dimaksud dalam konteks ini bukan papah (ayahku), tapi papa (ayahnya ibuku).

Dulu gue pernah nonton sebuah film, tentang seorang anak yang ditinggal pergi sama ayahnya. Pas mereka akhirnya dipertemukan lagi, sang anak ga henti2nya bilang kata ‘ayah’ untuk memanggil ayahnya itu. Pas ditanya sama ayahnya kenapa si anak demen banget nyebut kata ‘ayah’, dia dengan polosnya menjawab “Habis, sejak aku kehilangan ayah, aku ngak pernah bisa make kata itu lagi sih. Kangen tau selama ini nggak bisa nyebut kata ‘ayah’, padahal anak2 lain bisa kapan aja bilang ayah. Ngerti kan, ‘yah? :)”
Gue jadi kepikiran, udah berapa lama ya mama nggak bisa menggunakan kata ‘papa’ dalam konteks yang seperti itu? Apa dia juga kangen? Gue sendiri belom pernah ketemu sama alm.kakekku yang satu ini (Beliau meninggal pas mama baru berumur 6 tahun. Pagi masih sehat sentosa. Malamnya ditembak di depan RSCM sepulang praktek. Oiya, beliau seorang dokter :) ) Tapi yang gue tau, mama sekarang bisa lebih sabar dan ikhlas ngejalanin hidup dibandingin papaku. Gue rasa itu sebagian besar karena mama udah pernah ngalamin dan ngelewatin hal yang sesulit ini.

Lebaran tahun ini,

Ngeliat dua eyang sepuh bertemu. Yang satu eyang sepuh dari keluarga dekat gue (adiknya eyang gue). Beliau diuji dengan penyakit Alzheimer. Yang satunya lagi eyang sepuh dari keluarga gue juga, tapi rada jauh hubungannya. Beliau diuji dengan kaki yang sudah mulai melemah, sehingga harus bergantung pada sebuah walker, serta tangan dan bahu anak-cucunya yang selalu siap sedia di sampingnya. Nenekku bilang, udah 5 tahun kedua eyangku ini ngak pernah bertemu. Gue kaget. Bukannya mereka dengan mudahnya bisa diantarin naik mobil aja? Tapi, ternyata ngak bisa semudah itu lagi dengan umur dan kondisi mereka yang seperti itu..

Jadi seharusnya gue ngak heran kali ya, pas mereka ketemu tadi udah kayak adegan dlm sebuah film. Mereka berdua mendekat dengan langkah perlahan. Bukan karena pengen sok romantis, tapi langkah mereka yang tertatih-tatih meskipun udah ditopang anggota keluarga masing-masing memang hanya mengizinkan mereka untuk bergerak dengan kecepatan yang sebatas itu. Ketika keduanya udah cukup dekat untuk bersentuhan, eyang sepuh yang dari keluarga jauh gue mengulurkan tangannya ke bahu eyang sepuh yang dari keluarga dekat gue. Mereka memandang satu sama lain. Dan mereka terdiam. Kebayang kan ya kalo orang biasa, 5 tahun ga ketemu gitu, hebohnya bakal kyk apa pas akhirnya reunian lagi. Tapi ini nggak ada sepatah kata pun yang keluar. Saudara-saudara gue yang lain udah pada asik ngobrol lagi, tapi mereka berdua masih aja terdiam. Memandang. Dan tiba-tiba menangis. Ga ada angin, ga ada ujan, bahkan mulut pun masih belum mengeluarkan kata-kata apapun. Tapi justru dalam satu momen keheningan itu, gue merasakan seluruh perasaan bahagia, terharu, rindu, dan kasih sayang mengalir secara jelas dari kedua eyang sepuhku itu.

Lebaran tahun ini,

Orang tua, saudara, teman-teman, bahkan orang-orang yang hubungannya hanya sebatas saudara sebangsa, benar-benar memberikan sebuah pelajaran yang ngak gue duga bakal gue dapat. Masing-masing menunjukkan kepada gue contoh yang begitu nyata tentang makna sebenarnya dari sebuah cinta. Cinta yang nyata itu terwujud dalam sebuah pengorbanan yang dijalani bersama-sama, dalam keinginan untuk tetap menghormati meski banyaknya perbedaan, dalam sebuah keikhlasan untuk melepaskan, dan dalam keheningan yang lebih bermakna daripada seribu kata. Semoga gue bisa senantiasa lebih peka dengan momen-momen kecil tapi berarti, kayak gini lagi.

Old and New - Rabindranath Tagore

2011-04-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

Thou hast made me known to friends whom I knew not.
Thou hast given me seats in homes not my own.
Thou hast brought the distant near and made a brother of the stranger.
I am uneasy at heart when I have to leave my accustomed shelter;
I forget that there abides the old in the new,
and that there also Thou abidest.
Through birth and death, in this world or in others,
wherever Thou leadest me it is Thou, the same,
the one companion of my endless life
who ever linkest my heart with bonds of joy to the unfamiliar.
When one knows Thee, then alien there is none, then no door is shut.
Oh, grant me my prayer that I may never lose
the bliss of the touch of the One
in the play of many.

Please. Allow my heart to let go of what must be gone. Even though I still have much to say, but no means to say it (both in courage and in time). For everything that You have deemed best to be known will be made known, whilst everything that You have deemed to be kept within this sanctuary of thoughts will forever remain so. I dare not ask more from You other than for guidance so that no matter where I may go, no matter how many people I have to part from, allow me the comfort of knowing the one certainty of this ephemeral life: that You in Your all encompassing Mercy and Knowledge, will always be there to guide anyone so long as they strive to stay along the path that You have so graciously laid out for them.

Kusudama in Pyjamas

2011-04-30T06:20:00.000-07:00

This my friends, is what happens when you have a nice thick, idle stack of half-folded blue office paper, a tube of nauseatingly pungent rubber glue (read: the abominable Aica-Aibon type) and more than 4 hours of insomnia accompanied by an equally uneventful morning to follow. Apart from being another opportunity to use the "Flower-Best Shot" mode on my Exilim (I love the blurred background effect that it creates, but alas it really does work only with flowers and not so much when taking human portraits -.-) this little gem gave me around 6 to 7 hours of pretty refreshing relaxation. Oh, and if you're wondering why it took me such an atrociously long amount of time to finish this, well I suggest you look closer at the picture while keeping the following in mind: I started with 60 individually cut and folded petals, glued to make 12 sets of 5-petaled flowers, then glued together to make one stunning yet surprisingly labor-intensive origami flower ball, a.k.a kusudama.

I got the idea from - not surprisingly - a very Japanese-related source, i.e. Otomen. My friends and I were pretty much dumbfounded when we got our first glimpse of the thing (then again, a lot of the creations in this manga have always managed to stun us). Anyways, we all thought this was nigh on impossible to replicate and it was probably just some fantasy creation born out of the genius imagination of Aya Kanno, so you can imagine how surprised I was when I actually found an Instructable for this! I was going to challenge Anin to make it, since she's always been the crafty one (voted ter-kreatif sekelas gitu), but apparently my boredom got the better of me and before I knew it, I'd already started folding the first petal.

Half-started mini kusudama

I tried experimenting with blue post-its at first. Major fail. One side kept on sticking more than it should, and I couldn't even get the petal to open up right. So, I decided to turn to the less sticky, but rather over-sized blue office paper I had. This left me with a bit more work to do, since I had to tear the rectangular sheets into little squares first before I could actually fold them, but I think I got through that process pretty well. As a bonus, I got leftover sheets that I ended up folding as well to make these mini kusudamas >>>

I didn't think I'd be able to finish all this (I'm really suspecting I have at least a minor case of ADHD going on up here in my noggin, for a lack of being able to focus on anything quite sufficiently lately) but lo and behold, it turned out I had a lot more perseverance in me than I'd initially thought.

Finishing this gave me that nice feeling of satisfaction at having been at least a tad bit productive after such a weird and tiring night. I ended up dreaming about Queen Victoria for God’s sake. I’m pretty sure Will&Kate had something to do with this; them and my recent affinity for the History Channel as well -.-

*History tidbit: I found out today that Queen Victoria and King Albert were actually the ones who commissioned the building of the Crystal Palace; it was made famous for the fact that it housed England's Great Exhibition way back in the 19th century, but also because it contained a huge indoor botanical garden. So, I guess you could say this was keeping in line with the flower theme that'd been going on since yesterday.

I really do need to do this more often. So much FUN~

Full scale kusudama.
They're fun to hold for some reason :D

But admittedly prettier when dangling freely like this ^^

Warrior of Light - Paulo Coelho

2011-04-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

Every warrior of light has felt afraid of going into battle.

Every warrior of light has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone.

Every warrior of light has trodden a path that was not hers.

Every warrior of light has suffered for the most trivial of reasons.

Every warrior of light has, at least once, believed that she was not a warrior of light.

Every warrior of light has failed in her spiritual duties.

Every warrior of light has said 'yes' when she wanted to say 'no'.

Every warrior of light has hurt someone she loved.

That is why she is a warrior of light, because she has been through all this and yet has never lost hope of being better than she is..

2011-04-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

If not for Thee,
I would have been,
Another piece of driftwood out at sea
Floating listlessly, aimlessly,
A somber reminder of tragedy

But in all this pointless wandering,
For some odd reason,
I'd found contentment in that sea,
As I relished in the silken waves each time
They heaved me up to kiss the skies.

Yet for all my wave-rolling, sky-kissing fun,
My happiness slowly came undone,
For I was still a piece of driftwood out at sea,
Unsure, unimportant, unaware
That rotting was all that'd be left for me.

That was what I had been.
What I thought I'd always be.
But then, You thrust me out!
And brought me back,
Back home upon Your shore.

You took my worthless driftwood self,
And shook me straight to my core.
And You taught me,
You taught me,
That I could become MORE

So why do I still feel as though I don't deserve this?
The gentle tickle of the waves beneath me,
The attentive warmth of the sun above,
What more could I ask for really?
The sense to not be ungrateful? Definitely..

Let there be light..

2011-04-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

- William Wordsworth - 

I've been meaning to celebrate the stupendously bright blue skies we've been having lately, but really hadn't been able to find a way to do so - until today. :)

*the backdrop should've been the clear blue sky I'd been meaning to commemorate so much, but since I couldn't reach out of my balcony far enough to get clear of the awning, this shot was all I could take. No worries though, I've got plans to take more~

2011-02-05T05:58:00.000-08:00

Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives, or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere - who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return."

(Al Baqarah: 155-156)

I need to get how much ?!?

2011-02-04T05:56:00.000-08:00

I think I nearly choked when I saw this. Dang, I seriously need to study harder...
But on the bright side, thank God I hate accounting, haha~

Data Passing Grade beberapa Perguruan Tinggi Negeri Seluruh Indonesia

II. UNIVERSITAS INDONESIA (UI)

JURUSAN IPA

1. Pendidikan Dokter - - UI (59,8%)
2. Teknik Elektro - - UI (58,6%)
3. Farmasi - - UI (58,4%)
4. Teknik Kimia/TGP - - UI (57,4%)
5. Teknik Industri - - UI (54%)
6. Ilmu Komputer - - UI (52,8%)
7. Teknik Mesin - UI (52%)
8. Pendidikan Dokter Gigi - UI (51,2%)
9. Teknik Metalurgi dan Material - UI (47,4%)
10. Arsitektur - UI (47,2%)

JURUSAN IPS

1. Akuntansi - UI (63,9%)
2. Ilmu Hubungan Internasional - UI (63,1%)
3. Manajemen - UI (61%)
4. Psikologi - UI (60,6%)
5. Ilmu Komunikasi - UI (58,3%)
6. Ekonomi Pembangunan - UI (56,4%)
7. Ilmu Hukum - UI (56,2%)
8. Sastra Inggris - UI (53,8%)
9. Ilmu Administrasi Niaga - UI (52,9%)
10. Sastra Perancis - UI (50,1%)
11. Kriminologi - UI (49,6%)
12. Ilmu Administrasi Negara - UI (49%)
13. Ilmu Politik - UI (47,8%)
14. Sastra Cina - UI (47,8%)
15. Sastra Rusia - UI (46,7%
16. Ilmu Administrasi Fiskal - UI (46,6%)
17. Ilmu Filsafat - UI (46,6%)
18. Sastra Jerman - UI (46,4%)
19. Ilmu Kesejahteraan Sosial - UI (44,9%)
20. Arkeologi - UI (44,7%)
21. Sosiologi - UI (44,5%)
22. Sastra Arab - UI (43,8%)
23. Ilmu Sejarah - UI (43,2%)
24. Antropologi Sosial - UI (42%)

III. UNIVERSITAS GAJAH MADA (UGM)

JURUSAN IPA

1. Pendidikan Dokter - UGM (59,3%)
2. Teknik Elektro - UGM (57,4%)
3. Ilmu Komputer - UGM (56,5%)
4. Teknik Kimia - UGM (54,8%)
5. Arsitektur - UGM (51,4%)
6. Teknik Mesin - UGM (51,4%)
7. Pendidikan Dokter Gigi - UGM (50%)
8. Biologi - UGM (47,2%)

JURUSAN IPS

1. Akuntansi - UGM (62,1%)
2. Psikologi - UGM (58,7%)
3. Ilmu Hubungan Internasional - UGM (58,5%)
4. Manajemen - UGM (57,9%)
5. Ilmu Komunikasi - UGM (57,4%)
6. Sastra Inggris - UGM (56,6%)
7. Eko. dan Studi Pembangunan - UGM (55,6%)
8. Ilmu Hukum - UGM (54,1%)
9. Ilmu Administrasi Negara - UGM (50,5%)
10. Ilmu Pemerintahan - UGM (50,4%)
11. Sastra Jepang - UGM (50%)
12. Sastra Perancis - UGM (47,1%)

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

2011-02-03T05:18:00.000-08:00

Oh, and one more post. I've been madly in love with this song for days now. I'm actually considering it for my Seni Musik practicals, but those high notes are making me a tad reluctant. Anyways, enjoy~

Gurgle-mumblings..

2011-02-03T04:57:00.000-08:00

My English sucks! Hahaa, I’ve heard of the saying ‘If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it’ but I wasn’t expecting it to be this bad -.-

I was talking with this educational consultant from Thailand today and for the sake of convenience, we ended up conversing in English since she seemed not to be too fluent in Indonesian and I obviously being unable to speak a word of Thai (that squiggly worm language is rather on the bottom of my need-to-learn list). But lo and behold, it turned out to be so hard for me to actually speak right. I knew what I wanted to say, and I had the sentences perfectly formulated in my mind but for some reason, when I spoke them out loud it all seemed like an incoherent slur. I swear, if that Thai lady was a police officer and she’d stopped me on the highway at night she probably would’ve arrested me for DUI just after hearing me talk. I don’t know what happened, but I remember that the whole time I was talking with her I was screaming in my mind “Dude, what the hell are you saying??”

For some reason, the lady still ended up complimenting me and told me that my English was ‘very good’ (typical Eastern courtesy I guess) even though I’m pretty sure she wasn’t able to understand half of what I was saying thanks to my surprisingly atrocious pronunciation.

It was today’s incident that made me realize just how badly I need someone to talk to (in English that is). Nina was a huge help for me when she was here, since she was one of the very few people I could talk to without having to worry about her thinking of me as being a showoff. But now, being all the way in Bandung and only returning once every couple of weekends, I guess it’s no surprise my spoken English has deteriorated to this extent T_T

Oh and btw, there’s an Education Expo at JCC till the 6^th of February for anyone that’s interested. Admission's free and it's filled with loads of PTN&PTS from all around Indo (worth checking out if you’re looking for second or third choice universities apart from your main choice). Ah, and I actually got to speak with a guy from the SNMPTN committee, and it turns out that.. they accept A levels as well~ gyahaha, my mind was off in happy-dance land when I heard him say that. Actually, I’d wanted to break out into a mini cabbage patch dance but I thought better not to; that guy could’ve been a member of the selection committee for all I knew, and I don’t think a public display of unwarranted body flailing would’ve been regarded as qualities that they were looking for in a SNMPTN undangan candidate.

Anyways, I'm totally psyched now since it seems that I may actually have a fighting chance to get into HI-UI or UNPAD, or UGM, whichever.

Ya Allah, ease me on the path that You have destined to be the best for me. Amiin.

2011-02-02T21:09:00.000-08:00

"You can feel the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain-- no matter how smart or accomplished--they cry, they yearn, they hurt. But instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where I should have been looking, too. Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love and a peaceful heart."
- Mitch Albom

Blizzard..

2011-01-27T06:18:00.000-08:00

What happens to thoughts unspoken?
To sentences never written?
In naivety I once believed, they'd just pass by
Lingering briefly, then forgotten

But how wrong was I..
Hah. How damn naive!
Though seemingly ephemeral like flakes of snow,
In gradual numbers they'll continue to grow
And grow..
And grow..

Until pile upon pile has filled this body, mind, and soul.

Leaving both actions and emotions,
To lose the power to live at all
And start to rot like the leaves of Fall.

Until pile upon pile has frozen this body, mind, and soul.

And yet,
I dare not let them melt.
Not now. Please, not just yet.

For I fear that pile upon pile will drown this body, mind, and soul.
And yours as well...

Alhamdulillah ^-^

2011-01-13T06:55:00.000-08:00

Ketika Allah Swt. menciptakan Adam as. yang rencananya akan ditempatkan di muka bumi, para malaikat bertanya kepada Allah Swt. Mampukah manusia menempati bumi itu? Pasalnya, ketika itu bumi masih berputar tidak pada porosnya, bergerak tanpa arah. Terjadilah dialog menarik:
Allah Swt: Aku akan menjadikan gunung.
Ketika gunung jadi, maka bumi menjadi tenang, bergerak pada posisi yang tetap.. Para Malaikat menjadi heran menyaksikan betapa kuatnya gunung yang menjadi pasak bumi.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari gunung?
Allah Swt..: Ada, yaitu besi.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari besi?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu api.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari api?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu air.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari air?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu angin.
Malaikat: Masih adakah yang lebih kuat dari angin?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu doa.

Never, ever underestimate the power of prayer. I did. The result: nearly 4 months of being haunted by perpetually agonizing uncertainty and fear of taking the wrong path for my life.

But then, yesterday, after finally deciding to take 3 minutes of my time to devote myself to a simple istikharah prayer, everything has finally cleared up. I understand now that all of those other options that I had passed up and lamented as being 'lost opportunities' were nothing more than simple tests to see just how much I would still be able to keep my faith in Allah SWT, All Knowing, All Wise and allow Him to guide me to the best path for me to take. I understand that I am and can continue to be good enough to be accepted at universities abroad, but spending a bit more time here by going to a national university is far more important as I'll finally be able to discover for myself just how I can be of use here; knowledge and understanding of such I wouldn't be able to obtain anywhere else, no matter how high the world university ranking. And finally - perhaps most importantly as well - I finally know what major to take ^^

I know there's still a long path ahead of me, and there will be countless thorns and brambles that will try to hinder my way, but at least now I won't have to go through all that with an inner conflict raging within me as well. So, hopefully, now that I'm free of my doubts and despairs, I'll finally be able to put 110% of my focus on setting down my first few baby steps (correction, adult steps) toward this exhilarating if admittedly rather unfamiliar new turn in the road of my life.

On a lighter note,

~HAPPY DANCE~

for finally being able to know the solution to one of the most dizzying dilemmas I've ever encountered

*hopefully there will be another 'happy dance' worthy post sometime around May/July when I've finally confirmed the passing of my UN and my acceptance at FEB-UGM. Amiin. ^^

Dream Deferred - Langston Hughes

2011-01-12T06:11:00.000-08:00

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode? 

My dream. Deferred for now, but by no means denied forever..

Hope all these fish won't be crusted and sugared over (read: served up in a restaurant someplace) by the time I've gotten the chance to finally be amongst them :D

*additional anecdote: in a somewhat unrelated snippet to the post above, i just gotta say LP's The Catalyst has been stuck in my head all day today. Haha, i remember how much i hated this song for making themselves sound like they'd succumbed to the techie, electro-dance wave, but now.. what's it called? ah yes, KARMA -.-

One lyric I do love though: "where oceans bleed into the sky" haa... now wouldn't that be awesome? the beauty of the underwater world made accessible to all of us meager landlubbers ^^

Literary Liberation

2011-01-09T04:55:00.000-08:00

Writing for me is like an anchor. It's what allows the flimsy, tumultuous boat that is my mind to remain safely tethered when trying to ride out life's tempestuous storms. The problem is that sometimes - actually, exceedingly often lately - the chain of thoughts that form the essence of this belletristic ballast can be frustratingly fragile. Sometimes, I even feel as though my thought process is much like someone taking a smoke. The cigarette is the book from which I inhale every molecule of information I can manage. Most of these substances tend to remain within me, eventually accumulating to near fatal levels and slowly poisoning every inch of my mind. After a while though, a lucky little group of molecules will be exhaled again in the form of a more coherent puff of smoke. But that presents a problem too, because a puff is all that they ever are. Ephemeral and easily disintegrated. So easily disintegrated.

Oddly enough, my love affair with the books that are the fuel for my writing isn't a wholly beneficial one either. I've spent so much time with these conveniently compacted thoughts/portals to other worlds/silhouettes of other people that I'm starting to feel that they're the only things I can be comfortable with anymore. And how couldn't I? They are my source of literally everything, allowing my mind and soul to feast on the banquet of information that they always have ready and waiting, and yet never asking for anything in return.

Unfortunately though, I'm starting to realize that I've started to interact with people the same way that I interact with these books. And of course that's a problem because people, unlike their silhouettes, are always infinitely more complex and demanding; this could explain why I feel I'm so closed to other people most of the time. The thing is, the whole point of reading is to discover things that you hadn't known before, right? So most of the time you automatically put yourself In the mindset that the book, i.e. the other person, is the one that has the more valuable treasure trove of information, so you don't really feel the need to present your own possibly inferior thoughts. Get what I'm saying?

But I don't know, is this all really because of some misguided episode of socialization, or have I simply become a lazy, introverted egoist? To be quite honest, I'm kinda gravitating towards the latter. But whatever the reason, I know that I need to change this particular habit. Sometime. Somehow. Preferably soon, I know.

The Pencil - Paulo Coelho

2011-01-08T04:48:00.000-08:00

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point he asked:

‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done? Is it a story about me?’
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I’m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.’

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn’t seem very special.
‘But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!’

‘That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.’

‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.’

‘Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpner. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.

‘Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.’

‘Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.’

‘Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action’

guess where?

2011-01-04T06:09:00.000-08:00

Here's a hint...

Amazing isn't it? :)

I. Want. This. Book. Aah...

2010-12-29T07:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr./Mrs.whoever is in charge of the stocking of books in Periplus, Kinokuniya, or Gramedia,
Please, please, pleasee be benevolent and sensible enough to bring this book to Indonesian shelves..

And although I haven't read this book (yet) I'd just like to convey a silent 'Thank You' to Mr.Deepak Chopra, for making a book like this available first and foremost in a country where "less than a third know that most people in Indonesia--the world's most populous Muslim nation--are, in fact, Muslim." Okay, so the book won't actually open anyone's eyes to this fact (though it'd be nice if people from the western world actually started realizing that we Indonesian Muslims exist, and all 202.9 million of us have lived relatively peaceful lives here with our fellow citizens that believe in other faiths) but my point is that in a place where so many people still know so little and fear so much about this religion, it's the perfect gateway to finally get some understanding about at least one the many aspects of our faith: The Beloved Prophet Muhammad (may peace and blessings be upon him).

Oh, and I just got an excerpt (it's just the author's note and prelude actually) from the book right here.
Just makes me want to read it even more..

Incoherently Illiterate

2010-12-27T06:47:00.000-08:00

Neither rhyme nor reason will lend me a hand,
My usual prose behaving like a handful of sand,
In this turmoil of frustration,
Sorrow,
Anger,
Joy,
And fear
The more I think life is trying to harvest my tears..

In this silence I am agonized,
Yet in my speech I am stunted,
So what refuge is there left
For this hunter that has become hunted?

My instincts are screaming
Find a cave now you fool!
Then hide and stay hidden
That's always been your best tool..

Yet here I still stand,
Neither a flicker in my eyes,
Nor a word on my lips
Left in this corpse of my despicable disguise..

what's the point?

2010-12-18T00:30:00.000-08:00

“Rafael hanya bisa geleng-geleng kepala. Hati pribumi yang dia temui mungkin berbeda, tetapi otak mereka sama: tolol. Tidak memiliki hasrat dan rasa ingin tahu yang besar sebagaimana manusia dari peradaban maju seperti dirinya.”

E.S. Ito, Rahasia Meede

Kita adalah bangsa yang pasif. Bangsa yang terlalu sering mengelu-elukan kata ‘kemerdekaan’ persis karena kondisi itulah yang masih belum bisa kita capai hingga saat ini. Bangsa yang tidak hanya kalah sebelum perang, tetapi justru bersantai-santai di kemahnya sembari bermain-main dengan senjata yang dimilikinya. Bangsa yang terlalu mudah dipuaskan dengan pencapaian seadanya sehingga tidak ada sebersit pun rasa ingin lebih maju daripada yang lain. Bangsa yang anak-anaknya bahkan tidak pernah didorong untuk bertanya, berdiskusi, berdebat, ataupun mengutarakan pendapatnya sendiri karena telah dicekoki peraturan bahwa setiap jawaban adalah mutlak dan hanya bisa bersumber dari serangkaian pilihan-pilihan yang sudah ditentukan oleh segelintir orang-orang terpilih, sehingga ide-ide innovatif khas para kaum muda yang menjadi penggerak kemajuan bangsa-bangsa lain, justru diabaikan tanpa pertimbangan sesaat pun. Mungkin ini memang nasib para pemuda-pemudi Indonesia. Kami para pewaris negara yang bagaikan mobil tak berisi bensin ini; asalkan masih bisa memenuhi fungsi sebagai tempat berlindung, kami tidak akan peduli apakah mobil ini bisa jalan atau tidak, toh semuanya nampak sama bagi kami.

Entah kenapa hari ini lagi rada nasionalis gini. Mungkin efek dari baca novel Indo untuk pertama kalinya? Can’t say for sure really. Tapi lama-lama emang prihatin sih. Indonesia emang negara yang berkembang, tapi adatnya masih kayak orang terbelakang. Liat aja, fasilitas umum kita mana ada yang tahan lebih dari setahun? Tempat sampah udah di depan mata tapi masih aja buang sampah sembarangan. Seperti yang ibuku sering bilang, "Mental negara maju, itu yang masih belum kita punya.”

It’s true that we’re not supposed to be too absorbed with the riches of this world – being a Muslim, this is a very familiar concept for me that’s quite frequently stressed upon in the Qur’an – but that doesn’t mean that we should sell every last handful of this land we supposedly call our nation into foreign hands; I wouldn’t even call it selling really, since what we receive in payment is nowhere near to the value of what we have given to these gold-adorned thieves. Besides, I don’t think it really fulfills the purpose of staying away from materialistic desires if this all too philanthropic act of giving away our invaluable resources – both natural and human – is actually forcing our citizens to have to strive even harder just to make enough to live. I mean think about it, if we’re letting go of all these resources that should’ve been meant to ensure the welfare of our citizens, then that means they’ll just be more forced to look for money in other, less convenient places. In some of the more fatal cases, most of them will end up being directors or ministers in charge of the fundamental building blocks of our society. But they will not do so because they have an undying passion to pursue the nation’s interest in that certain field they are responsible for. Most will simply do it is a means of putting rice on the table. And so it is that this great nation of ours is left devoid of leaders with any will to bring any significant development to this country.

I realize that there have been others who have brought this issue to light in more elaborate and eloquent expositions than mine, but for some reason much still hasn’t changed. For what it’s worth, at least this writing can become a reminder for me that this nation needs me more than ever. Needs all of us more than ever. And if not that, then paling nggak hari ini sudah bisa lebih produktif karena tidak diselimuti pusing dan demam lagi. Maaf bagi semua yang terkena imbas mood burukku kemarin..

*note to self: Indoglishnya semakin parah ini sih -_-

my daily omen

2010-12-11T01:13:00.000-08:00

"So The Miner's structured very differently from, say, Soseki's Sanshiro, your typical modern bildungsroman?

I nod. "I don't know about that, but you might be right. Sanshiro grows up in the story. Runs into obstacles, ponders things, overcomes difficulties, right? But the hero of The Miner's different. All he does is watch things happen and accept it all. I mean, every now and again he gives his own opinions, but nothing very deep. Instead, he just broods over his love affair. He comes out of the mine pretty much the same as he went in. He has no sense that it was something he decided to do himself, or that he had a choice. He's.... totally passive."

- Haruki Murakami

*stumbled upon this passage while reading Kafka on The Shore this morning, and for some reason, it felt like a slap in the face... I hope I'll finally be able to wake up after this..

2010-12-09T05:29:00.000-08:00

Rasulullah bersabda dalam hadits yang diriwayatkan dari Anas bin Malik :

“Tiga hal yang barangsiapa ketiganya ada pada dirinya, niscaya dia akan mendapatkan manisnya iman. Hendaklah Allah dan Rasul-Nya lebih ia cintai daripada selain keduanya, dan hendaklah dia mencintai seseorang dan tidaklah dia mencintainya melainkan karena Allah, dan hendaklah dia benci untuk kembali kepada kekufuran setelah Allah selamatkan dia dari kekufuran itu sebagaimana dia benci untuk dilemparkan ke dalam neraka.” (HR. Al-Bukhari no. 16 dan Muslim no. 43)

Ibnul Qayyim mengatakan bahwa di antara sebab-sebab adanya cinta (kepada Allah) ada sepuluh perkara:

Pertama, membaca Al Qur’an, menggali, dan memahami makna-maknanya serta apa yang dimaukannya.
Kedua, mendekatkan diri kepada Allah dengan amalan-amalan sunnah setelah amalan wajib.
Ketiga, terus-menerus berdzikir dalam setiap keadaan.
Keempat, mengutamakan kecintaan Allah di atas kecintaanmu ketika bergejolaknya nafsu.
Kelima, hati yang selalu menggali nama-nama dan sifat-sifat Allah, menyaksikan dan mengetahuinya.
Keenam, menyaksikan kebaikan-kebaikan Allah dan segala nikmat-Nya.
Ketujuh, tunduknya hati di hadapan Allah .
Kedelapan, berkhalwat (menyendiri dalam bermunajat) bersama-Nya ketika Allah turun (ke langit dunia).
Kesembilan, duduk bersama orang-orang yang memiliki sifat cinta dan jujur.
Kesepuluh, menjauhkan segala sebab-sebab yang akan menghalangi hati dari Allah . (Madarijus Salikin, 3/18, dengan ringkas)

death.

2010-12-09T04:54:00.000-08:00

I am a thief in the dark of night,
A passerby unwanted by many
But in one lone house emanating plight,
I found one who welcomed my entry

Curious, I stepped inside
And found an altar ready and waiting
But before I could stop what was to come
I became witness to a scene most dismaying..

A life taken before its time
An action done by many
Too weak to hold on at its time of decline
It chose to take the path most easy

A life taken before its time
Still much to do and say and feel
Yet gone before its prime
Leaving countless wounds to heal

A life taken before its time
I hope you do not do the same my friend
I beg of you,
Please, just hold on..

*dedicated to my best friend's best friend, who chose to leave this world before she had to.. Be strong Jiji..

A Life Abandoned

2010-12-05T06:18:00.000-08:00

Beneath the glimmer of a naked bulb,
Within the embrace of the cold night's air,
He lives.

Under the shadow of another,
Huddled inside a paper-thin layer,
He lives.

With hands worn out,
With shirt in tatters,
With all hope gone,
With companions forgotten,
And still, he lives...

*found this bit of poetry after my stint of rummaging through my paper-filled cabinets yesterday. wrote it way back in tenth grade ESL where it was supposed to be based on a photograph that Emily gave us from the newspaper; mine was about a homeless guy wrapped up in front of a hotel in Brazil, but since i don't have access to a scanner, i just ended up taking a photo off Google (couldn't find the same, exact one, but it's close enough). just thought it'd be nice to share.

Soliloquy no.2

2010-12-02T05:16:00.000-08:00

"Ya Allah, if this is really what You have decided is best for me, then ease me in doing so."

This sentence has flown from my lips so many times now I've lost count. I've whispered it before taking the Ruthin School scholarship test, before the provincial selections for the Economics Olympiad, and during the 30 seconds of prayer time before each and every one of the Oct/Nov Cambridge exams last month. For most of these occasions, the only reason that I said these words were mostly because I was at a point where I felt I'd done all that I could do and I'd just be grateful for whatever outcome He had already planned for me. But every time, there was always a small tremor of hope that accompanied these words as I said them. A hope that I'd actually be successful in whatever it was I was doing at that moment (and on one quite notable occasion, my hopes were actually realized)

Pas seleksi OSK ekonomi, gue juga berdoa kayak gini. Tapi waktu itu, gue juga sempat nambahin "kalau bidang ini ternyata memang yang telah Engkau takdirkan untukku, maka izinkan aku untuk lolos dari seleksi kali ini." Dan ternyata.. ta-da! gue lolos. Berarti, mungkin meskipun selama ini gue selalu ngerasa udah salah milih jurusan dan seharusnya jadi anak IPA aja, sepertinya Tuhan memang udah nentuin kalo gue ini emang lebih baik jadi anak IPS (meskipun gue ngak lolos seleksi OSPnya). And to be fair, I don't really regret being a student of Humanities that much (not that I could really change disciplines in the middle of the school year). But I have met a lot of inspiring people in this discipline. People who love the exhilarating and malleable world of the social sciences so much they've sought ways above and beyond what is required of them as students to completely immerse themselves in these worlds before they're even required to do so. And that's kind of what has given me the determination to realize my own dreams with as much passion and fervor as I have now.

So, I don't know.. Before, I'd been really hoping for a second chance to get into the wonderful world of science once I get to college, but it turns out my parents have other expectations for me. And I have to admit, I have been asking God for Him to show me the best path for me to take. So, this just might be His way of answering..

So now it's down to either International Relations or Management for me. Which path I'll take out of these two I still don't know. What I do know is that I've got a dream that I still want to fulfill, and having to start it in a different way to what I'd previously planned doesn't mean that I have to give up on it completely. Not while I can still try. Bismillah..

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." -Jimmy Dean

Soliloquy no.1

2010-11-17T08:32:00.000-08:00

A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.

Kahlil Gibran

Perhaps this is why I'm not really that crazy about studying in places like NTU and the like, where everything just seems to be revolved around how much you know and how high your grades are. No intention to brag, but I think I've had more than my fair share of good grades so far and honestly, the only thing I think I've really gotten from them is the frustration of not knowing. Ironic? Not really. In fact, I think it's actually something to be expected. I mean think about it, what is it that you do to get good grades? Most of you idealists (and somewhat malay folk) would probably say: study lah. But seriously, at the end of the day how much of all of those pages and pages of bullet-pointed facts and explanations actually stick in our minds? Can't find an answer to that? Well think about this too: how much of it do we actually use? Like directly in our lives?

So much of us are just so obsessed with aiming for a quantitative result from our studies that we often forget to take into account the qualitative part, i.e. good grades vs. good understanding. Sure good grades are something we have to aim for, but they should be more like something of a by-product of the efforts that we've made, rather than being our final goal. They should be what lets us know that the energy we have expended in putting together all of those informational substrates have successfully transformed themselves into a far more useful and coherent end product: the ability to understand and apply the knowledge we have learned. So where have my good grades gotten me so far? Currently, it's gotten me a place (well, actually 3 places) for my name and photograph to be hung under the heading 'Congratulations on your excellent achievement!' on the 4th floor bulletin board for the IC students at my school. So is this what I want? Hah. You might as well be asking me whether or not I'd want to use fishing line for my shoe laces - kind of a cool idea now that I've thought about it - but that's exactly my point: it's cool, but useless.

I have my last Cambridge exam paper tomorrow (thank God!) and that's really what kind of got me started thinking about all this. Being the workaholic that I am, I've been studying like crazy in preparation for these exams (these past few weeks being especially hectic) and because of all this, I haven't really had time to do much of anything else. A mountain of half-read novels was (and is still) piling up in my bedside table because I simply never have a chance to read them properly to the end. For 5 days out of 7 my life consisted of eating, sleeping and studying both at school and at home (yes I slept at school too). Even going on a bike ride to the Alfamart near my house was like a vacation in and of itself for me. And there's been more than a couple of moments when this situation I was in had almost pushed me so far as to the brink of simply giving up on everything right then and there.

Thankfully, I've managed to hold on, as well as stay sane throughout this whole ordeal. Knowing me, I'll probably forget a large part of what I've learned perhaps even as quickly as the end of next month. But if there's one good thing that I've gotten out of the seemingly endless physical and mental stress of this year's exams is a promise that I've made to myself: I won't let my efforts evaporate in vain. Fortunately, after months of agonizing uncertainty and gutless flip-flopping, I think I've finally found a field of study that will allow me to use all of the knowledge I've learned so far. Hopefully, if I learn it well, I'll be able to make a future for myself that will benefit my parents and the people around me, as well as putting to use all these blasted years of insane studying. Perfecto, right? So all I need to do now is just make sure I don't quit half-way again this time. Easier said than done, I know, but hey loads of people have fought for their dreams and won, so why should I be any less capable of doing so?

just a bit of advice

2010-11-14T01:55:00.000-08:00

For any would-be educational reformer out there that happens to be reading this, I have a little piece of advice I’d like to share with you: before any more of you start having the ‘brilliant’ idea of setting up an International Class in your school, please – no, I BEG of you – ensure that you have the adequate resources (be it in the form of teachers or teaching materials) necessary to support the full experience of the foreign curriculum you’re so proudly trying to uphold. Because quite frankly, missing out on half of the curriculum that should have been taught and having teachers who are just as baffled by the exam questions as their students are, is not a pleasant experience at all for both sides. Especially when the time comes for that student to go face-to-face with an exam paper that requires what should have been 2 years of practical work in a well-equipped laboratory, with the right materials and explanation of things like experimental planning techniques, hypothesis-making, and analyses of results obtained -.-

So, seriously, either go all out or nothing, because going halfway like this just creates unnecessary confusion and frustration which tends to result in students who just give up the whole charade and end up focusing on the national curriculum like everyone else. So much for your educational reform, eh?

*jfyi: excessive frustration at the upcoming paper 5 biology exam next Tuesday is what prompted me to write this. May God help all those other unfortunate souls that are faced with the same predicament as I am.

random thought

2010-10-30T03:31:00.000-07:00

singapore doesn't feel right,
australia's way too expensive,
canada's on the other side of the world,
abu dhabi... terlalu ekstrim kah kalau saya melanjutkan kuliah disitu?
beasiswanya begitu menggiurkan (mending dapet) haa..
starting to get really confused about all this again. why is it so easy for me to put my misery in prose, and yet so hard for me to make a decision that'll solve all of this once and for all..

back to scrappy little paragraphs again..

2010-10-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

I'm really bad at cheering people up. Perhaps that's why I try so hard to never make people sad in the first place. I'd rather be the one to give up in an argument than carrying on and making the other person feel bad about themselves (this is probably why I always lose in debate competitions too). You don't know how much I envy those people that can go up to someone that's feeling really down, talk a little bit to them, and make them smile an instant later. I've never been able to do that. Pathetic isn't it? But that's me. I'm pretty sure it's probably because I'm not usually a very sociable person most of the time. I can't empathize with others. I become baffled at the simplest of their problems. Heck, I'd rather work than be asked to cheer up someone that's feeling sad. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't feel I'd be able to make that person happy again even if I tried. And I hate seeing people sad.

--O--

I'm not a good writer, really. My writing style is oftentimes far too formal and boring and sometimes my ideas aren't so original either. But I've accepted this as a part of me. I like writing. I like the fact that I can express those ideas that I oftentimes don't have the courage to express verbally to others. And I like the fact that I can go on at my own pace. I'm a slow thinker (emphasis: really, really, slow thinker) and I'm a die-hard perfectionist when it comes to everything that I'm working on. So I hate it when I have to present my ideas right at that moment without having time to revise and make them perfect first.

--O--

I've done things in my past that I've really, really regretted doing. I wish I could erase all of my memories of those days when I was beyond terrible, because they've often come back to haunt me when I least want them to. But now, here I am. Still imperfect, of course, but much, much better than what I was before. I don't even know how to begin to thank God for the second chance He's given me, but I've decided to try to show my gratitude by making the most out of the future He's so graciously given back to me, which is why I try my hardest to be of service to everyone around me. But I've also forced myself to remember that I'm a good person too. I'm not trying to compliment my own kindness, I just want to make sure that I don't forget that I've been given a second chance at being a good person, so if I keep on thinking that the person I am now is still the same as the pathetic wretch that I was before, then how am I being grateful?

--O--

So, the moral of the story is: Be happy. We've all done things in the past that we wish we hadn't done, but we also have the chance to do great things in the future that we didn't know we were capable of doing. So embrace that chance, and never think yourselves as unworthy for anything. As Coelho once quoted, "We don't drown by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it."

2010-10-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

“Katakanlah: ‘Dia-lah Yang menciptakan kamu dan menjadikan bagi kamu pendengaran, penglihatan, dan hati.’ Tetapi amat sedikit kamu bersyukur.” (Al-Mulk, ayat 23)

GOD speaks to each and every one of us all the time, through countless little omens that we often don’t even realize at the moment. For me, with my ability to infer and read into situations being only a little more superior to that of a rock, it took a whole lot more than little omens. More specifically, it took me one heck of a math teacher and a thread of red string to really understand what those words really meant. And when I did so, MashaALLAH, my heart came back..

For the past two weeks now I’d been experiencing an odd calmness within myself. I should’ve been happy of course, since I hadn’t experienced a calm like this since, well, ever. And considering the upcoming exams that are practically staring me in the face now, I should’ve just embraced it. But the thing that made this calmness seem odd was the fact that I wasn’t actually happy. At all. I tried consoling myself with half-hearted claims of how I was doing what I needed to do and that I should be happy that I’d been able to hold on like this without cracking into a billion pieces in the first place. But no matter how many lies I invented to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing, I never found the contentment I had lost. In fact, I felt.. empty..

At certain moments I even doubted as to whether or not I even had a heart anymore since its presence felt virtually undetectable. And it’s only now that I realized that I had been the cause of all of that.

As Coelho once wrote, “[when people start thinking of the world as a threatening place – a place where only sacrifice and suffering will bring you where you need to be – then they will start to doubt their ability to follow the desires and dreams of their hearts, and when this happens] we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.”

I not only silenced my heart, I probably almost killed it. I was the source of the deluge of lies that nearly drowned it in so much despair and pessimism for this life. And I had been the one that had cut it off during its moment of utter and complete joy.

So much joy that my whole body has trembled in its presence.

So much joy that my eyes have finally given up the precious pearls I thought it had kept hidden for eternity.

So much joy that I felt myself for once, not only connected to the Soul of the World, but practically immersed in it.

And yet, however strongly I may feel right now, I also realize that I am still a novice at this. It may be that the reason I’m able to feel this way is precisely because I’ve never experienced anything as astonishingly powerful as this. Or it may be that one of my life’s quests has been resolved for me before I even needed to embark on it. But whatever the reason, and to whatever ends this journey will take me, I don’t really care for at the moment. All I care to know is that GOD gave humans a heart for a reason; so that they would be able to rejoice and realize that not everything in this world has to be faced with sacrifice and suffering. My heart is probably beyond contentment right now, and I dare not silence it again without cause.

So, I will pray for one more thing now: If this feeling is something that You have destined for me as a guide to better my future, then allow me to continue to embrace it with as much strength and fervor as I do now, because it has been through this very ordeal that I have felt myself become ever closer to You. And it is this one factor that has brought me more joy than I have ever felt before..

2010-10-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

For the one that revealed to me the wonders of the world,
For the one that always told me never to miss a chance at trying something new,
For the one that wakes me up with a gentle knock on my door on weekdays and blaring 80's rock music on weekends,
For the one that took me fishing for the first time and got all excited over the 2cm fish he helped me catch,
For the one who introduced me to the wonders of the written word through the countless novels he bought for me to devour,
For the one that never left before kissing my head and saying "Mbak, jaga mama sama adik-adik ya."
For the one that always came back with enough souvenirs to fill a shop
For the one that always sent postcards that arrived weeks after he'd returned, just so he could write and promise us "Daddy's gonna take you guys here too someday"
For the one who gave me more memories than I could possibly remember
And for the one I've never said enough Thank You's to..

I send out a silent prayer that He will allow you to come back this time, safe and sound as you always do.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you :)

From poems to pop

2010-10-05T03:23:00.000-07:00

Got hit by some random stroke of melodic mastery, and came up with this little riff for my music test today, huaha! Haven't found much of a rhythm to go along with it though, so it's still a lot more poem-like than anything else - proof that song writing just isn't one of my talents, hehe. Anyways, it's rare for me to write something this good, so I thought I'd come and share this particular one with the world for once

Your heart’s a battlefield

Drowned out in stagnant tears

The sun that once had shone

Now cries in its broken home

You try to hide your pain,

Dress it in different names,

But I see through your ruse,

The real you that is my muse

Reff:

Oh, you gotta just

Let it out,

Live it up,

Let your smile see the light

The smile I’ve been waiting so long for

Reff

Oooh..

The smile that will carry me back home..

Confessions of a Confused College-student-wannabe

2010-10-02T05:48:00.000-07:00

My uncle: jadi janti kuliahnya mau ngambil bidang apa nih?
Me: um, masih bingung sih om, hehe, but i wanna do something to serve my country
My uncle: don't forget to serve yourself first ;)
Me: oh, iya sih, that too, hehe *starting to rethink my college plans again-.-

This dialogue took place about a couple of weeks ago (within a most relaxed atmosphere on the patio of some obscenely rich relative of mine), but the conflict portrayed within it has been tearing at me from within for months now.. Critical decision making situations like this have always left me like a fish out of water - confused and dry of good wisdom. This time it's a little bit better, cause I know what I want to do, I just don't know if life will allow me to do so..

I'm not in much of a writing mood today, and I've already indulged in this subject in countless little notes and abandoned paragraphs scattered within my laptop and the notes folder in my cellphone which I don't have much interest in publishing since they'd just be maddeningly complicated to fully explain. So, I think I'll just end this random little rant with an aptly fitting quote I just found from one of my favorite authors, which beautifully portrays the exact dilemma I'm facing at the moment:

“In his or her life, each person can take one of two attitudes: to build or to plant. Builders may take years over their tasks, but one day they will finish what they are doing. Then they will stop, hemmed in by their own walls. Life becomes meaningless once the building is finished. Those who plant suffer the storms and the seasons and rarely rest. Unlike a building, a garden never stops growing. And by its constant demands on the gardener’s attention, it makes the gardener’s life a great adventure.” - Coelho

Quite literally, I want to plant :)

Hahaa :D

2010-09-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'm too serious. So much so that I forget my mouth is capable of producing that intoxicating melody called laughter. So much so that I forget my face is capable of wrinkling ever so slightly into that beautiful thing called a smile. So much so that I forget my hands and feet don't have to stay curled up and clasped together all the time, but are free to stretch and twirl and grasp and run with all their might. So much so that I forget my body is not merely a rigid shell, but also an extension of the exultant soul that resides within and also that of His who keeps watch from above. Because every moment of happiness that I experience is a mere trickling down of the happiness You infinitely bring into this world.

For that, I thank You. Thank You for allowing me to laugh, smile, run, and twirl, and do each and every one of all the other little things I always seem to take for granted.

And thank you for giving me a second chance to embrace my soul :)

Warriors of the Word

2010-09-26T01:44:00.000-07:00

We are warriors of the word, you and I.
Our battlefield is the vast expanse of blank white paper. Our weapons nothing more than the humble pen and pencil; dull in origin, but sharpened by the wisdom of our thoughts. Forever striving to bring life to the desolate, austere landscape, we litter it with the bodies of our imperfect thoughts; thoughts slain by the swipe of our weapons.

And yet, we differ greatly, you and I.
I, am a mere swordsman. Blunt and headlong in my approach to battle. Attacking with wide sweeping movements. Lacking in finesse, perhaps, but that’s the extent to what swords - and my ability - are capable of.
You, on the other hand, are an archer. Atop your hill of knowledge and experience you stand, and from there you witness the world. Only when your eyes and mind have taken in everything that needs to be known – along the horizon and beyond – do you slowly begin to mount your attack. Weaving knowledge, power, love, and skill together, you stretch your bow, holding it for what seems like infinity before you finally find the perfect moment to release. And when you do, – whoosh! – Your arrow explodes in a song of beauty, soaring over the bleak landscape, penetrating the very heart of the white void, injecting into it the very substance of your heart and soul, moving even the mighty swordsman to tears..

Sometimes, I as a swordsman, become envious of you. Whereas my weapon is constrained to the lowly confines of this earth, your arrow knows not such boundaries. Your passion and skill allow it to rise to the very heights of Heaven. Laced with adoration and love of The Divine it returns, ready to shoot through even the hardest of hearts and allow them to savor the beauty of that love as well..

We are warriors of the word, you and I.
And though the weapons we wield are different in shape and ability, we, as warriors, are still the same..

But in an unexpected twist, your arrow has penetrated my own soul. Thus I lie here, a lowly swordsman poisoned by the divine love that you had dipped your arrow in. Seemingly drowning in the life blood that now gushes out from within me, and yet feeling more alive than ever..

2010-09-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

Un maestro preguntó a sus discípulos:
“¿Por qué gritamos con rabia? ¿Por qué la gente se grita cuando están molestos?
Los discípulos pensaron un rato, y uno de ellos dijo:
“Porque perdemos la calma,… será por eso? ”
“Pero, ¿por qué gritar cuando la otra persona está a tu lado? ¿No es posible hablar con él o ella con una voz suave? ¿Por qué le gritas a una persona cuando estás enojado?”
Los discípulos le dieron algunas otras respuestas pero ninguna de ellas satisfacía al maestro.
Finalmente explicó:
“Cuando dos personas están enojadas, sus corazones se alejan mucho. Para cubrir esa distancia deben gritar para poder escucharse entre sí. Mientras más enojados estén, más fuerte tendrán que gritar para escucharse uno a otro a través de esa gran distancia.”
Entonces el maestro le preguntó:
“¿Qué sucede cuando dos personas se enamoran? No se nota en cada uno sino que se hablan suavemente, ¿por qué? Debido a que sus corazones están muy cerca. La distancia entre ellos es muy pequeña …
Y por fin dijo:
“Cuando se aman aún más, ¿qué sucede?
No hablan, sólo susurran y se tienen aún más cerca el uno al otro en su amor.
“Finalmente no necesitan siquiera susurrar, sólo se miran el uno al otro y eso es todo. Así es como están cerca dos personas cuando se aman.”

2010-09-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

silence is such a beautiful thing

like a thick wool blanket, it keeps us warm from the cold realities of this life, it keeps us sane in times of utterly illogical insanity, it muffles out everything we don't wish to hear or deal with at the moment. we look to it like a distraught child does to its mother. distraught and lost in the confounding complexity of this life, longing for the safety and calm that we find in its embrace.

and yet, silence is the refuge of cowards. silence is safety, yes. but it is one that lulls us into a perpetual state of inaction. it blunts the tongue and dulls the mind. it is the white flag that we raise before we even go into battle, trembling pathetically even as we do so.

silence is me.

2010-09-24T06:33:00.000-07:00

Desire makes us forget. It makes us instinctively disregard any and everything that comes in the way of our self-deluded vision of the world. Like intoxicated spiders, we unknowingly start spinning our own invisible threads of speculation, foolishly trying to link together randomly meaningless details and events into an equally incongruous web of fantasies. Rarely do we ever realize - before it's too late, that is - that the webs we were so passionately making, were slowly becoming our own objects of torture; binding us in a cocoon of stupidity and childish hopes.

2010-09-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

I have fallen in love,
I think...

Is not love
That which warms the soul?
Like the rays of sunlight that fill me with strength

Is not love
That which tenderly caresses?
Like the wind whose soft tendrils comb my hair

Is not love
That which selflessly comforts?
Like the rain whose gentle tears accompany my own

But above all,
Is not love
That which reminds me of You?
Like the waves that prostrate in worship along the shore,
Like the trees whose hands are forever raised in prayer,
Like the soil that yields in silent adoration.

Yes,
I have fallen in love
With every element of this world that You have weaved into being
The rain and moon,
Sun and wind,
Sky and sea.

And like true love,
I seek not to own nor alter,
But simply to relish in the joy of being in their presence
And care for them with heart and soul.

don't know if this should be poetry or prose?

2010-09-10T03:26:00.000-07:00

Ya Allah, Engkau telah jadikan sebuah bara api berkobar di dalam hatiku,
Bara api yang lahir tidak lain karena cinta yang begitu besar kepadaMu,
Dan kesedihan atas bulan suciMu yang telah berlalu..

Oleh karenanya..
JANGANlah Engkau padamkan api ini Ya Rabb!

Kipasilah ia dengan hembusan cobaan-cobaan dariMu
Yang pada akhirnya dapat membuatnya berkobar lebih tinggi!

Berikanlah ia kayu-kayu rezekiMu,
Bukan untuk sekedar ditimbun dan disayang-sayangi,
Tapi untuk diolah sebagai bahan bakar,
Agar bisa bertahan di dunia ini,
Memberikan kehangatan bagi orang-orang yang melindunginya

Dan tempatkanlah ia Ya Allah,
Di dalam lindungan orang-orang yang Engkau cintai,
Agar ia pun senantiasa menjadi dzat yang lembut dan peduli.

...

2010-09-04T00:11:00.000-07:00

Dikala bara api membakar di hati,
Perbanyak dzikir mengingat Sang Ilahi
Niscaya kalbu pun akan tentram lagi
Dan kembali pada jalan yang diridhoi

Allahumma inni as'aluka hubbak, wa hubba man yuhibbuk, wa'l-'amala 'lladhi yuballighuni hubbak

“O Allah, I ask of You to grant me Your love, and the love of those who love You, and the love of those actions which will bring me to Your love.”

-----------------------------------------------:O:--------------------------------------------------

Sabda Rasulullah shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, “Jika datang suatu kedudukan mulia dari Allah untuk seorang hamba yang mana ia belum mencapainya dengan amalannya, maka Allah akan memberinya musibah pada tubuhnya atau hartanya atau anaknya, lalu Allah akan menyabarkannya hingga mencapai kedudukan mulia yang datang kepadanya.” (HR. Imam Ahmad. Dan hadits ini terdapat dalam silsilah Al-Haadits Ash-shahihah 2599)

L.U.C.K. + ng-indo dikit + miscellaneous etc gajelas

2010-04-28T05:15:00.000-07:00

I truly am lucky. God gave me the chance to be a part of so many different communities. So many different friends. So many different families. I’ve shared happiness and tears, hysterical laughter and sulky silences with them. Each and every one of them. So many of them I’ve almost lost count now, but whom I’ll never, ever lose from my memories.

So many of us are so engrossed in our own selfish aims that we forget that there are other people besides the usual me, myself, and I. We forget that there are also ‘we’s and ‘us’ in our human vocabulary and our human lives. And so, many of us have become beings that are trapped in our isolation. We blame the world for our sorrows. We curse God for letting us drown in our misery. We shun our families for all that they’ve failed to give us. When really it is us that have been depriving our own selves.

Random Bumblings on a Midwinter Night's Eve...

2009-12-24T22:04:00.000-08:00

Life is truly an odd thing. For me, it always tended to balance out everything, annoyingly so. Once I had reached the epitome of one great accomplishment, the failure or disappointment from another would drag me down again from whence I came. Throughout life’s entire course of being, this balance endures. Only in death does this ever stop. Death. A place of no maybes. Where those kith and kin to partially, somewhat, to some extent, and kind of are nowhere to be seen or heard. There are only 2 destinations we will ever end up in (Heaven/Hell) and you can’t be kind of in the middle of the two.

----:O:----

Perfection is impossible. As you become better in one area, you automatically get worse in another. In being thin, you cannot be fat. And yet, perfection is the art of mastering everything is it not? So how can you be perfect when you’re still lacking so much?

Perfection is the absence of the imperfect. And yet, to be imperfect is perfectly human. So do those that we deem perfect also become inhuman? But that raises the other question of their perfection now as to how they can be perfect when they lack even the most basic thing that all of us share in common: our humanity.

----:O:----

There is this one person. A person ordinary in so many ways (and I don’t mean this in the way a girl would make modest claims on another’s true characteristics in order to hide the admiration that she feels for him) No, I mean what I said (or wrote in this case) in that he is truly ordinary. And yet, I find myself inspired by him. I feel as if I’d carry the world for the whole of eternity if that would make him happy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like him (at times, I even go so much as to loathe him) And yet, through all of his annoyances, through all of his obliviousness, I’m still affected by the benign rays of his being. Perhaps this is what they call ‘loving because of Allah SWT’.

But whatever it may be called, I’m glad to have met him; as I am glad to have met all of the other people in my life. For they’ve all seemed to be able to change it for the better. But he is special. He was my silent motivator even if he himself didn’t know that he was affecting my life so. It was he who became the mirror that revealed all of the imperfections I'd been so ignorantly unaware of. Perhaps I’m overreacting. Perhaps I’m just disconcerted because this is the first time I’ve ever felt this kind of a connection. Perhaps.

Twilight Rave!!! (sorry, I just had to document this somehow)

2008-12-08T05:23:00.001-08:00

Note: this should've been posted two days ago, but due to some minor technical problems, local internet failure, and general laziness on my part, I was only able to post this today. My apologies!

Ahhhh, okay so like after months of going crazy over every single theatrical trailer and TV interview, after stripping every book and magazine clean of every little article and advert about it, my thirst for the Twilight movie has finally been sated!!

Okay, okay, so I have to say that this whole thing wasn’t without its sacrifices. It took me, Aida, Anjani, Anin, and Nanad two hours of running, screaming, tumbling, cursing, stomach pain bearing, feet killing work just to see this movie. I won't go into the details right now cause I'm sure it'd take a horrendously long time to explain and time hasn't exactly been in my favor these days. So, in short, I think we all sacrificed more than the healthy amount of our blood, sweat and tears just to satiate our Twilight mania.

There is only one word that I will use to describe the movie and that word is: AWESOME!
Alright, so there were a couple of production glitches and some pretty cheesy CGI flicks (I just hated what they did to EC's skin. I was imagining him as having more of a shiny, angelic 'aura', rather than his skin actually glittering like they just shoved a zillion microscopic christmas lights into every pore on his body.) but like, I wasn't actually expecting the movie to be flawlessly perfect, so I have to say that it did come out way better than I expected.

So, when the movie ended and the credits started rolling, I was still glued to my chair in a total ‘Edward Cullen is out of this world awesome’ dazed paralysis kind of thing. I swear to you, my mind was off in La la-land thinking about all the inexplicably amazing qualities of a person (in this case vampire) with the likes of Edward Cullen. But like 10-15 minutes later, reality was starting to slap me in the face and my mind slowly returned to this lowly mudball of a planet. It was starting to dawn on me that Edward Cullen is unbelievably out of this world amazing exactly because he isn’t of this world. He’s just another fictional character, tangled up in another impossibly fictional story, thought up by another fiction-obsessed author. There is not a single human male in this non-fictional world that ever has or could ever be like Edward Cullen. Seriously, I’d cut my right ear off and give it to the person who could find a real guy 1/10th as romantic and inhumanly perfect as Edward is in the book. (For any guys who are reading this sappy post, I truly, honestly have nothing against you all, just that I’m trying to be a bit realistic here and avoid writing another OME* crap post.)

So, to sum it all up, the movie was pretty good. And although the annoyingly snail-like pace at which it rolled on kinda ticked me off a bit (seriously, Bella takes at least half a minute of thinking and ‘uhmm’ing before she replies to anything Edward says), and looking at Jacob’s face was absolutely nauseating (especially for Talitha: I don't blame Taylor Lautner for this, I blame his wig, so don't get mad at me just yet =), I really do give my props to Catherine Hardwicke and all the Twilight cast for capturing the true emotional essence of the book. So, job well done!

*OME (Oh My Edward): A phrase commonly found in use among maniacally obsessed twi-hard girls, who find Edward Cullen to be the reincarnation of some earthbound angelic figure.

IC X @ 21 sLiDe sHoW

2008-12-02T23:22:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Just a random slideshow that me and Aida came up with in our spare time. Enjoy!

2008-11-27T02:51:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm, so I had a pretty boring afternoon and for once the cold hard chains of academic servitude were not there to shackle me to my desk. Anyways, I spent (wasted really) the first free afternoon I've had in God knows how long, perusing the web, checking my ever-stationary mailbox, and generally throwing to waste what few minutes of liberation I had (typical me ~_~)

So, in a rather twisted version of 'My Journey Around the World(wide web) in 80 minutes', I happened upon a link to this poetry site and so, being the literature dork that I am, I couldn't resist the urge to click on the flashy blue advert. Aghh, my willpower is weak when it comes to dazzling displays of commercial advertisement, even if the product they're promoting are the harrowing (if rather corny) depictions of the tragedy of the human thought in the face of this godforsaken, sepulcher of a world.... Wow, that was the most literate, educated, well-organized sentence I've ever written - I shall have to archive that for future reference.

Dang it, there I go digressing again, this really is a habit that should be stopped. I'm pretty sure that if old age or bronchial disease doesn't kill me first, a severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome will.

So anyways, going back to what I was writing before I got so unceremoniously sidetracked.... what was I writing before this?? Oh yeah, the poetry site. Well, inspiration kind of hit me smack dab in the middle of a Maya Angelou poem and so, following my literati instincts, I let my inner poet free and BAM! The juices of poetic creativity started to ooze down from those barren recesses of my mind, providing the rusted wheels of my imagination with some much needed thinking grease. And below is the product of all that arduous mind-turning, brain-wracking work. (At first, I felt kinda insecure displaying my work like this, but what the hey, I spent a lot of brainpower on this thing and I wasn't just gonna let that go without notice)

Again, this is kinda corny (ok, a lot corny), but like I said, what the hey. So, enjoy:

What right do you have to make me suffer
To make me feel such loathing and pain
To leave me broken in the shattering thunder
And let me drown in this endless rain

Why is it that life has joined us both?
Has let us share two years of laughter
Has let us swear in whispered oaths
Of our future happily ever after

But now without you, my days are hollow
My nights without their guiding star
And like a boat in waters shallow
I stumble on, with body scarred....

Okay, so I never said that I actually got to finish it. It seems that the creative juices ran short somewhere in between the 3rd or 4th stanza and whatever came out after that was the equivalent of the waste products of the entire operation (in other words it was a pat of poo) so, I couldn't and didn't have the nerve to actually publish any of it for fear of life-long public humiliation.

Well, I think that should be all. Anyways, I have to prepare myself for the horror that is the sociology midterm which awaits me tomorrow *wishes she could crawl into some absurdly dark corner and hide*

Pickled Lard....

2008-11-12T05:45:00.002-08:00

Hohuumm....
Well, there's nothing terribly exciting to report for today, so I'll see if i can make this short and snappy.

Hmmm, so....life.....What's been going in my life? I dunno, well for one thing, my beloved Cruzersync 1GB usb is now lying in the same pile of technological mishaps as my deceased iPod. I know what you're thinking, "Oh, it's just a gig, you could buy one with a larger memory at half the price that was" and blah, blah, blah.... I know it was just a 1 GB, but that 1 GB held half of my life's works in it. Let's assess the damage shall we:
1. My English Coursework folder (GONE)
2. All of my photos from last year's trip to Trinidad (GONE)
3. All of my poems and stories (GONE)
4. All other miscellaneous crap that I shoved in it (guess what? also GONE)

Yes, my life's peppered with the daily demise of at least one of my technological possessions. Sometimes I wonder if technology is harboring some kind of obscene grudge against me of which I'm so conveniently unaware of and of which I've never committed a crime against to induce it in the first place....

Alright, well there are three things I could say to sum up the random jabbering that was going on up there and those are:
1. I hate my life (That's a known fact by now and easily supported)
2. Anything that runs on a heart of wires and electrical circuits has reason to fear my presence and should avoid contact with my person at all costs
3. I just realized that I like using lists in my writing cause:
a. It defines my points
b. It sounds way cooler than if I wrote in long, over-stretched sentences
c. It's totally awesome how I can stretch one subject into an infinite vertical distribution of thoughts and ideas, which would probably have no rational connection with each other at all if put in any other arrangement other than that stated in the above. (If you understood nothing of what I just wrote, well neither did I)

Okay, okay, I promised at the start of this thing that I'd try to make it short and snappy, so I'll stop right here.

Till next time, Hasta luego, A tout a l'heures, Cai chen, Sampai nanti, Ibnerflagden goutenschweiler houber....sorry, I'll really stop now.

How LIFE abhors me so....

2008-11-06T04:45:00.000-08:00

Acchhh....
I hate my life.
I hate my life.
I hate my life.
I hate my...... I'm tempted to go on in such a manner, but it feels totally redundant and pointless to do so, besides, I'm probably annoying whoever's reading this.

Ahhhh, I'm so stressed right now. Nothing has gone well today. Last night, I collapsed in exhaustion after studying for my stupid math and business tests for two hours (that was like 120 minutes of my life wasted in total anguish). And then I wake up the next morning, only to find that I woke up too early, way too early, like 3 o'clock in the dark of morning early and I couldn't even go back to sleep again for some reason....Ughhh....
Of course, it's kind of a given thing that when you only get four hours of sleep/night, the rest of your day just kinda goes down the drain. And guess what? Joy to the world, that's exactly what happened; course, none of the following things that happened would've even been conceived of if it hadn't been for my innate ability to bring about disaster and misfortune upon myself. Let's just put it in list order kay, cause my current mood is kinda suppressing my usual urge to write those lengthy and unreasonably elaborate paragraphs.

So to sum up why I'm in such a foul mood today is:
1.) I've got this blasted cough that's been plaguing me for the past week (and doesn't seem to want to end anytime soon either), which prevents me from saying a single sentence without stopping at least once to spew my guts out.
2.) I had tests for every, single, darned subject there was for the day. Including an excruciatingly long and maddeningly exasperating business essay thing that left me scrawling down completely worthless crap about needs and resources, and all other such terms which i don't particularly wish to recall at the moment.
3.) And all these other little things, like how I can't touch something without causing every other object in a 30cm radius to clatter to the floor at the same time in some bizarre chain reaction and just my general day-to-day klutziness is really getting on my last nerve.

Alright well, I should probably stop here. I still have to study for my Chemistry and Physics exams which are waiting eagerly for my presence tomorrow (will the misery never end?) and I think my cough medicine's starting to kick in, cause I'm starting to feel really drowsy right now....

Nanad n' Anin lagi isengg.....

2008-11-04T18:17:00.000-08:00

jahad lo
parah banget sih
ko lo gt sih
gue kan ga salah apapa
mao lo apa sih??
gue ga ngerti
kenapa sih lo ga pernah ngerti
ngapain ngerti,ga penting
gue penting tau .
gue kan orang yang berguna bagi masyarakat
taon berapa
3010
emang lo idup ampe zaman kpn?
gue vermouth
ooo gitu..
tp ampe jaman kpn??
hingga akhir waktu ... nanana,,,
gila ya lo??
ga . gue VERMOUTH
sejak kpn??
jaman baheula ya??
sejak nabi adam diciptakan

gue ga peduli lo percaya apa ga
kloo gw bilang ga percaya gmn??
yaudah , believe aja
maksa banget sii..

2008-11-03T21:51:00.000-08:00

Wow, it feels like ages since I last wrote on this thing.

See, it's not that I didn't have anything to write about (I had a ton of things to write about, just that the majority of those things involve a whole chain of profanities aimed at one single person, which i feel is kinda inappropriate for this site)

I can't think of anything to write right now, so I'll come back later and actually try to write something meaningful here...

Dramatic N' Traumatic Truth or Dare moments

2008-10-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

So like a couple of days ago, we had this free gym period, so a couple of my friends and I started to play this stupid game of truth or dare. Course,the dares were pretty basic, you know, just stuff like do ten push-ups and ask a guy for their phone number. Very basic.
Nevertheless, the whole experience reminded me of this fieldtrip I had in 9th grade. 2 days cooped up in a hotel doesn't usually do a lot of good with a group of rowdy teens. So of course one of them had this brilliant idea of playing truth or dare in our hotel room. There was only one good thing i learned from the experience: frustrated teens have very wild imaginations. These kids could come up with the most deathly embarassing and stupid of dares! The following are videos capturing those moments of insane humiliation. Do enjoy!

My friend Carolina screaming her head off like a maniac:

Maria asking Saddam if she can jump on his bed (which she broke later on)

Rain....

2008-10-28T03:59:00.000-07:00

Drip....
drip.....
drip....

Mmmmhh.... I just love a rainy day. I've never been much of a solar enthusiast (i get my vitamin D's elsewhere) but the rain, well that's another thing. The gentle, rhythmic pattering does a lot of good for a stressed mind. And the smell of it, yeah, the only other thing that I love more than the sound of the rain, is the smell it leaves behind...a subtle earthy scent, sometimes so faint and ephemeral its presence is questionable, but it's there. Infused in every falling droplet, saturated in every particle of the atmosphere. I wish that those particles wouldn't leave so soon, that they would stay behind and enshroud my world in this eternal dusk.

I know this might sound like a whole lot of unimportant rubbish, but I don't know, the rain has a calming effect on me and it kinda gets reflected in my writing. The pesimissm and gloom n' doom stuff hasn't gone (i don't think that'll ever happen, it's kinda part of who i am) but the atmosphere that coaxes the rain down from their heavenly sanctuary, has served to suppress the despair that usually engulfs my being. Perhaps every droplet contains some small ounce of the divine, something that has been that close to heaven is bound to be affected in some way, so that when they do fall, a mass renegade of heavenly bodies fill the earth.

2008-10-26T06:39:00.000-07:00

HUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Finally!!! The power of the internet is back in my hands!!!!
Gahhhhh, I'm so happy!! :>>>>>>
God, I've been waiting for this day for like forever, well okay maybe not forever, just since last wednesday, when my accursed computer decided to go into a spontaneous and totally uncalled for coma. That's why I haven't been able to update this thing and post new blogs since last week, so if there are people out there that actually read the inane and completely worthless drivel that I post here (and they must be either bored to death or purposefully trying to waste their time by reading this) and was actually waiting for more posts from me (a known impossibility), then I really do apologize.
I tell you, this whole coma thing was probably like the product of some really bad karma that's finally caught up with me. I mean, first my iPod gets invaded by some convoluted virus and dies, bringing nearly 2 GBs of music and photos with it to the grave, and now this!?!?!? What other technological maladies will I have to suffer through next?!

Hmmm, I can feel the pessimissm starting to take root again, so I'd better stop before I start another long rant about life and all the miseries it keeps on hurling at me....

Secret's out...=,<

2008-10-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

Shhyooot!!..... Well, there goes my entire plan to keep this whole damned blog thing my own little secret....whatever, i knew this was gonna come some day, just didn't figure it would be so fast. I'm just hoping no one's gonna be interested enough in all this phony philosophical crap to actually hold any interest in this accursed page!

Blearg....ggg....hhh....

2008-10-20T03:02:00.000-07:00

wHOO, my first blog and I'm already stumped.....Honestly, I hate writer's block! It's like you have this whole notion of what you're going to write, you think that all the words and sentences are just gonna start flowing out of your mind and right into your hands, filling up that terrifyingly blank space in front of you with the most beautiful of metaphors, the most intricate of descriptions. But then -- zlep-- you just sit there staring at the menacing whiteness of blank space and your hands are frozen, left to hover above the keyboard to await instructions that never seem to come. You know that your thoughts are in there somewhere, that in some dark and forgotten corner in that vast complex of pink gooey mush, there must be some intelligent stream of consciousness just dying to get out, to unleash itself onto the world.
Well, that came out longer than I'd expected or even wanted it to. So I'm confused now, what is a blog really for? From what I've seen of my friends' blogs, it's mostly about retelling whatever interesting thing's happened in the past, oh I'd say 4-5 hours of their life, and that thing has to be so utterly incredible or at least ridiculously absurd enough to make them go through the hassle of turning on their computers or laptops or whatever they have and actually write it down for future reference.
For me, well, I think I'm just using it as another mental punchbag....here i can actually write down what's screaming out for attention in my head, and surprisingly, it actually makes me feel better, although I know I'm probably not entertaining any of my readers (this is if anyone is actually reading all this mental crap, which is an utter impossibility) and my grammer/sentence structure/vocab. is simply atrocious, which has always bothered me to unreasonable extents in the past.
Here i go again with all this mindless prattling...I should probably stop though, cause I feel that if I do go on to another paragraph, I won't be able to cease this endless stream of jumbled nonsense.
So, until a later day, when I will hopefully be a lot calmer and hopefully a lot less verbose in my writing. Besides, my hands are getting a bit tired of punching down these letters on the keyboard, and I'm sure that if the keyboard could talk it would definitely say a word or two about this overly abusive relationship.