Blizzard..

What happens to thoughts unspoken?
To sentences never written?
In naivety I once believed, they'd just pass by
Lingering briefly, then forgotten

But how wrong was I..
Hah. How damn naive!
Though seemingly ephemeral like flakes of snow,
In gradual numbers they'll continue to grow
And grow..
And grow..

Until pile upon pile has filled this body, mind, and soul.

Leaving both actions and emotions,
To lose the power to live at all
And start to rot like the leaves of Fall.

Until pile upon pile has frozen this body, mind, and soul.

And yet,
I dare not let them melt.
Not now. Please, not just yet.

For I fear that pile upon pile will drown this body, mind, and soul.
And yours as well...

Alhamdulillah ^-^

Ketika Allah Swt. menciptakan Adam as. yang rencananya akan ditempatkan di muka bumi, para malaikat bertanya kepada Allah Swt. Mampukah manusia menempati bumi itu? Pasalnya, ketika itu bumi masih berputar tidak pada porosnya, bergerak tanpa arah. Terjadilah dialog menarik:
Allah Swt: Aku akan menjadikan gunung.
Ketika gunung jadi, maka bumi menjadi tenang, bergerak pada posisi yang tetap.. Para Malaikat menjadi heran menyaksikan betapa kuatnya gunung yang menjadi pasak bumi.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari gunung?
Allah Swt..: Ada, yaitu besi.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari besi?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu api.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari api?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu air.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari air?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu angin.
Malaikat: Masih adakah yang lebih kuat dari angin?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu doa.

Never, ever underestimate the power of prayer. I did. The result: nearly 4 months of being haunted by perpetually agonizing uncertainty and fear of taking the wrong path for my life.

But then, yesterday, after finally deciding to take 3 minutes of my time to devote myself to a simple istikharah prayer, everything has finally cleared up. I understand now that all of those other options that I had passed up and lamented as being 'lost opportunities' were nothing more than simple tests to see just how much I would still be able to keep my faith in Allah SWT, All Knowing, All Wise and allow Him to guide me to the best path for me to take. I understand that I am and can continue to be good enough to be accepted at universities abroad, but spending a bit more time here by going to a national university is far more important as I'll finally be able to discover for myself just how I can be of use here; knowledge and understanding of such I wouldn't be able to obtain anywhere else, no matter how high the world university ranking. And finally - perhaps most importantly as well - I finally know what major to take ^^

I know there's still a long path ahead of me, and there will be countless thorns and brambles that will try to hinder my way, but at least now I won't have to go through all that with an inner conflict raging within me as well. So, hopefully, now that I'm free of my doubts and despairs, I'll finally be able to put 110% of my focus on setting down my first few baby steps (correction, adult steps) toward this exhilarating if admittedly rather unfamiliar new turn in the road of my life.

On a lighter note,

~HAPPY DANCE~

 for finally being able to know the solution to one of the most dizzying dilemmas I've ever encountered

*hopefully there will be another 'happy dance' worthy post sometime around May/July when I've finally confirmed the passing of my UN and my acceptance at FEB-UGM. Amiin. ^^

Dream Deferred - Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode? 

My dream. Deferred for now, but by no means denied forever..

Hope all these fish won't be crusted and sugared over (read: served up in a restaurant someplace) by the time I've gotten the chance to finally be amongst them :D

*additional anecdote: in a somewhat unrelated snippet to the post above, i just gotta say LP's The Catalyst has been stuck in my head all day today. Haha, i remember how much i hated this song for making themselves sound like they'd succumbed to the techie, electro-dance wave, but now.. what's it called? ah yes, KARMA -.-

One lyric I do love though: "where oceans bleed into the sky" haa... now wouldn't that be awesome? the beauty of the underwater world made accessible to all of us meager landlubbers ^^

Literary Liberation

Writing for me is like an anchor. It's what allows the flimsy, tumultuous boat that is my mind to remain safely tethered when trying to ride out life's tempestuous storms. The problem is that sometimes - actually, exceedingly often lately - the chain of thoughts that form the essence of this belletristic ballast can be frustratingly fragile. Sometimes, I even feel as though my thought process is much like someone taking a smoke. The cigarette is the book from which I inhale every molecule of information I can manage. Most of these substances tend to remain within me, eventually accumulating to near fatal levels and slowly poisoning every inch of my mind. After a while though, a lucky little group of molecules will be exhaled again in the form of a more coherent puff of smoke. But that presents a problem too, because a puff is all that they ever are. Ephemeral and easily disintegrated. So easily disintegrated.           

Oddly enough, my love affair with the books that are the fuel for my writing isn't a wholly beneficial one either. I've spent so much time with these conveniently compacted thoughts/portals to other worlds/silhouettes of other people that I'm starting to feel that they're the only things I can be comfortable with anymore. And how couldn't I? They are my source of literally everything, allowing my mind and soul to feast on the banquet of information that they always have ready and waiting, and yet never asking for anything in return.
 
Unfortunately though, I'm starting to realize that I've started to interact with people the same way that I interact with these books. And of course that's a problem because people, unlike their silhouettes, are always infinitely more complex and demanding; this could explain why I feel I'm so closed to other people most of the time. The thing is, the whole point of reading is to discover things that you hadn't known before, right? So most of the time you automatically put yourself In the mindset that the book, i.e. the other person, is the one that has the more valuable treasure trove of information, so you don't really feel the need to present your own possibly inferior thoughts. Get what I'm saying?  
   
But I don't know, is this all really because of some misguided episode of socialization, or have I simply become a lazy, introverted egoist? To be quite honest, I'm kinda gravitating towards the latter. But whatever the reason, I know that I need to change this particular habit. Sometime. Somehow. Preferably soon, I know.

The Pencil - Paulo Coelho

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point he asked:

‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done? Is it a story about me?’
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I’m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.’

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn’t seem very special.
‘But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!’

‘That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.’

‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.’

‘Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpner. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.

‘Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.’

‘Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.’

‘Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action’

guess where?

Here's a hint...

Amazing isn't it? :)