Let me be.

Sometimes you need to disconnect from the world. Detach all of the wireless wires connecting you to the infinte flow of information, silence all notifications of supposedly important events, and just reconcile with the silence and stagnance of nothingness. That blissful place where time seems to stop and you are neither rushing towards something nor leaving anything behind. You simply are there. Present. Somewhere in that other dimension where time and space are not passing you by like a vortex.

No sé que estoy haciendo, lol

Hoy fui a mi universidad con mi amiga. Yo no tenia nada para hacer, solo quería ir allá para encontrar con mi amiga para comprar un libro para mi facultad. No me gusta el docente que nos ordenó a comprar el libro, pero qué puedo hacer? Es obligatorio. Bueno, cuando llegamos a nuestro facultad, mi amiga llamó a alguien que estaba cerca. Resulta que la persona que ella llamó fue alguien que hace mucho tiempo me gusta. No voy a decir su nombre, pero creo que ya sabe bien quien es. Pero ahora él ya esta en una relación con uno de mis mejores amigas de secundaria. A veces, todavía siento un poco tímida en frente de el, pero ahora no tanto como antes. Todavía estamos amigos y podemos hablar normalmente como colegas del clase y por eso estoy feliz. No sé porque estoy escribiendo esto aquí pero solo quería contarla a alguien o alguna cosa.

Si, eso es todo. Bueno, también quería ver si mi español ya esta suficiente para escribir, y resulta que si. Jaja. Me alegro.

Final-Year Fears

It's frightening me how much uncertainty I'm facing at the moment. The feeling of having so many choices yet none at all at the same time. For a person that writes out a daily to-do list of things that needs to be done within the course of each day, I am terrified by the fact that I cannot do the same with my long-term future plans, especially those concerning my career and education.  

I feel like I've become my own worst enemy, my own harshest critic. I have to repeatedly remind myself that I have achieved great things in the past. I say this not in arrogance but with utmost humility. As in writing this I have nothing but hesitation in my fingers, their fearful nature almost stopping me in my recognition of my own greatness. Why am I doing this? Because I constantly feel that I am not good enough. I feel that I have made no significant contribution. No significant advancement to my skills nor to my employability if that is even a word. I feel that every major accomplishment that I've achieved so far has been due to the influence of my father, a figure who I deeply respect and admire but under whose shadow I constantly feel burdened by. Like the moon, I am not my own person, I am merely a reflection of the greatness of this man. I do not like to admit it, because it makes me forget all of the accomplishments that I was able to achieve of my own accord. And it makes me doubt the skills that I do have right now. 

What troubles me now is that I know I have my skills, my potentials, yet lately it's been so hard to find opportunities for me to exercise them freely, to let others know that yes I can do this and I can do that. What I am devoid of right now is opportunity. And the courage to pursue opportunities when they do come. Please God, give me a chance to show others what I can do. Not just for my own sake but also for the sake of being able to fulfil my task in this world. For the thing that I fear for the most is still the thought of having lived in vain, of having lived a life that was worthless and unremarkable.