Rude awakening

Have you ever awoken,
in the searing austerity of no man's land?
a place where sound is unspoken
and there be no place to rest your hand

Your feet tread paths unseen
possibilities being overwhelmingly grand
but in the end, indecision is the only thing you glean
in this barren area of no man's land...

I can't tell you how terrifying it is to wake up suddenly feeling you've lost all purpose to live. I don't mean this in a dejected, suicidal way, but rather in a somewhat zoned-out way in which you really don't know what you're supposed to be doing with this precious little thing called life you've got continuously slipping away like a handful of sand. It was a bizarre feeling, and one that I really hadn't expected. To put it in other terms, it was like asking myself "What the hell have you been able to contribute to this world in the past 18 years and 8 months of your existence so far?" and all I could do was reply with a pitiful "I don't know. Nothing I guess". Surely it can't be that bad? Perhaps my mortal memory was to blame for my lack of finding anything that could've justified my existence so far. Or perhaps it all came down to the simple truth that I haven't actually done much at all to be remembered by..

I don't like lingering on negative thoughts like this. Which is why I sometimes forget and eventually just end up deluding myself into thinking that I'm breezing through life as perfectly as anyone could. But, of course, perfection and humans can't really go into the same sentence while still upholding at least an essence of truth; it's just part of our nature to be undeniably 'flawed' in some areas. But, I digress.

Back to the matter at hand, I think one of the major reasons I finally found myself cornered into acknowledging the problem I was facing was because I suddenly didn't know just what the heck I'll be doing after I graduate. I started the 'if only' game with my past self again, 'if only I'd put more thought into my choice of classes during that middle year of high school', 'if only I'd have been brave enough to try out for those scholarships abroad' (I called it quits before I even gave any sponsors a try; an idiotic and cowardly mistake), and now, will I still be mad enough to try a drastic change in majors? I can tell you I was seriously tempted to do so at one point after watching this Blue Planet documentary on deep sea creatures (or perhaps I should just stop watching nature documentaries? that'd be an easier solution, no doubt, haha)

Because, truth be told, my outlook on international relations isn't as excited as people might expect. I remember when I came off with an almost disgust for the whole studies and practice of it all after I'd (half) read Independent Diplomat by Carne Ross. Because of that book I finally saw diplomacy or perhaps more precisely the foreign services for what it really was, another bureaucratically laden chunk of taxpayers' money that dealt with problems so literally 'out there' that it never really seemed to help those that really needed it. The UN, the INGO's, and even the embassies, (but particularly the UN) oftentimes, and as ironic as this may seem, are just too big to directly deal with the problems that the small people out there are facing on a day-to-day basis. Conferences are held, plenary sessions are conducted annually, and yet, more often than not all that they really are are an excuse to have what could essentially be deemed as a paid vacation in a ritzy hotel for a week or so whilst occasionally churning out treaties and resolutions that don't even make much of a difference. I can't say it's not enjoyable. No doubt anyone would jump at the opportunity to set foot in exciting new countries on a near monthly basis. But travelling's just supposed to be a perk of the job, not the main essence of it. The last time my dad came back from one of these conferences (an IRENA con at Dubai a couple weeks back) he didn't exactly come home with the air of someone who'd just played a part in shaping the fate of the world (okay, that's a bit hyperbolic). But that's what diplomats are supposed to do, right? We're the agents of change for the entire world. We have the power to make resolutions that can impact the lives of 6 billion people all across the globe. There's got to be some kind of  satisfaction after knowing that you'd played such an integral role. Unless, that's not what really happens, and all of that agents of change hubbub was just a part of that quintessentially diplomatic sweet talk to mask the blandly uneventful reality of it all. And that's a problem for me.

I want to get out there. I want go down with people from all walks of life and just utterly give myself to them in whatever way I can to help (perhaps if I weren't so squeamish I would've just studied to be a doctor, then this all too altruistic desire of mine would at least be easier sated). I want that satisfaction of knowing that I did something worthwhile in my life, something that really left its mark not only in myself but also in other people around me. So why the heck did I choose to keep trudging along this path, even though I am and have been aware that I've been 'trudging' along it all this time? Perhaps it's because I've just given up already. Or perhaps it's actually destined to be this way.. Okay, blaming it all on madame fate is a pretty low blow, so I won't give in that easily, but I guess that's the best I can do until I figure out what it is I'm going to do with myself.