Haven't talked to you since Thursday now. Kinda regret not being at home to chat with you that night, HI Corner wasn't really that worth it. I wanna send you another message, ask how you're doing, but I keep being torn whether it'd be the right thing to do or not. Maybe this is God's way of pushing us apart. Maybe we weren't meant to be. It hurts, this uncertainty. And what's killing me the most is that I don't know why you haven't replied to my previous messages. I promised I wouldn't disappear on you. I hope you won't do it to me. I've always had the tendency to take love for granted, perhaps because people have always so willingly given it to me. I know now how much it hurts to not have that love returned in full at a time when I want it to be. Thank you for teaching me this, I needed this lesson.
24/11/2013
On the bus to Jakarta now, the AEON 2013 welcoming party is tonight, I'm going with Ucup and Male. Kinda reluctant to go on Primajasa now ever since that last time we said goodbye. That was definitely one of the worst bus rides I'd ever had. I didn't even cry that much when my grandfather died.
It's been two months now and I think both of us have gotten over what people call the 'honeymoon' stage. We're finally starting to question ourselves whether or not we are each other's destined path.
It's funny you know, your circumstances are exactly like mine when I was in high school. 3 people. 1 friend, 1 significant other, and 1 who loved unconditionally albeit as confused as you are. Normally, I think I should be mad. Mad because it seems like you're placing me as a last resort, someone you can fall back on cause everyone else has rejected. And yet, surprisingly I'm not mad at all. I'm not sure if my lack of emotion proves my calmness and maturity in dealing with this or if this is simply a numbing reflex I've adapted to cope with the pain I know I'm supposed to feel.
Writing is helping though, so thank you for inspiring me with the idea. Seems like love really is a drug, and addiction is just inevitable. That's why it hurst so much whenever I lose contact with you for so long, it's like I'm detoxing my heart.
Found one of Lang Leav's poems that describes precisely how I feel. Perhaps we both were each other's angels sent to teach something or help at a perilous time: you through your conversion to Islam and me through my grandpa's death. Perhaps this is why it's so easy for me to let you go, because I know you've fulfilled your purpose as I have mine. And though it saddens me that we will be strangers once more, you always will be among the sweetest of memories in my heart.
25/11/2013
The End.
It's official. For now at least :)
Yesterday's AEON reunion taught me something very valuable: goodbyes aren't always forever.
See how beautifully and perfectly God plans everything? He never lets you go until you're really really ready. I wasn't ready before. But after last night, I became ready, and now I'm not afraid. I'm not sad or depressed or anything I should be feeling considering my current situation. I am letting go wholeheartedly this time, no more going back, and I am jotting down now all the lessons I've learned from you:
I've learned the power of prayer.
I've learned to trust in God's love.
I've learned to never make promises I can't keep.
I've learned to be grateful of the love I receive.
And I've learned about the kind of love that I deserve: one that never seeks to change me but will always be proud of the real me, even in all my silences. But most importantly, one that will be able to guide me to His Heaven. Now that I know there are people like you, I will never settle for anything less.
My prayers for you will still be the same: I pray for God to reunite us if that is His will, but if not then I pray for Him to guide and protect you in His neverending grace, and to give you someone who can continue to guide you in Islam.
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