There are days like today when I really really miss you. And yet I know I can't let myself be tempted to contact you, because it'll just make things harder and more confusing for us again. Last night, I braved myself to read our last conversation in FB. I thought I was going to be emotionally drained after reading it, but surprisingly it calmed me and gave me the strength to hold true to the decision we made. I'm holding on to that last promise I made to you, that I wouldn't be sad or depressed just because we won't be having any more special sundays or late night chats. It's hard, and as you can see (if you could read this), there are days when it's especially hard to keep true to that promise. But writing like this is helping me a bit. It seems all I really needed was a place to vent out my thoughts and feelings. You were that place for me for almost a month and I became addicted to the solace that I found in sharing those thoughts and feelings with you. Addicted to the happiness and gratitude that I felt in knowing that someone was always ready to listen and care enough to comfort me and make me laugh again when I was feeling down. The thing that still saddens me until now is that when I said goodbye to you, I realized that I didn't just lose a person whom I dearly loved and loved me back, but I also lost one of the best friends I've ever had (even if for only a short period of time).

If you are magically reading this somehow, don't worry, I'm okay. I promised you that and I'll keep true to my promise. That first promise to you I can't keep though, because I still feel that there's a chance for us, and if God wills it then there's really no one else I'd rather wait for for all my life. I love you martian man, I miss saying this to you, but hopefully there'll be a time again when I can say it directly to you and not just write it down in paltry little words like this.

As you said to me before, "kung ikaw ang nakatakda para sa akin, siguradong tayo'y magkikitang muli, mahal kita, mahal na mahal." :)

Another Crazy Experience

I will remember your sweet semi-smile, your turtle-face, your sharp intake of breath before you speak.
I will remember the way you ask permission to have your cheesy moments, and all the lame jokes and pick-up lines you come up with from God knows where.
I will remember the way you poke my cheeks and my sides at random intervals and how you always remind me not to cry whenever I get the least bit emotional.
I will remember your smooth stubby hands and the desperation yet strength you had when you grasped mine.
I will remember the way that you're just an overall hopeless romantic who listens to slow instrumental songs from a world music album.
And I most definitely will remember all of the crazy, spontaneous moments we had: stargazing on the beach, painting each other's faces, searching for halal food in a Chinese night market, climbing a 4-storey rooftop, going on a bike ride along the Melaka River at nighttime, eating porridge with chocolate chip cookies on another rooftop, trekking through a forest with no established trail, jogging a different route every day, finding absurd synonyms for mainstream words and phrases, laughing at the pick-up lines you slip into your PDF code for our group report, proposing to me under a semi-lit tree with a self-drawn marker ring, proclaiming your shahadah through Skype with me.

My words here are nowhere near sufficient to capture the spirit of the moments we've shared and my gratitude to God is beyond words for letting us share those moments together :)

Goodbye, for now :)

"Sometimes, Allah takes us away from things, from people, from familiarity to unknown paths, to the completely unfamiliar so that we can once again trace back our paths to Him."

I know now what I did wrong last time. This time, I did not do it again. This time, I know what lesson I should've learned. And God help me, I will never forget it.

Thank You for easing me in a decision that I should've taken a long time ago. Thank You for taking me back under Your guidance. I pray that I will never, ever, forsake it ever again. And thank You, for teaching it to me gently, and through, literally, one of the best teachers I could have ever hoped for.

He is Yours to guide now, as I am Yours to guide too. I have no fear of being alone, for as long as I have my belief in You, there is no such thing as loneliness. Thank You for making me go through that challenge, for I know now that You have great things set out for me. I can only hope that I am strong enough in my faith to meet Your expectations.

"Ya Allah, we, your servants, are weak. We fall into ruts, we move backwards, we keep tripping instead of running, but help us keep pushing, accept our tiny actions, our little smiles, our miniscule deeds, even if they weren't performed with complete heart. Ya Allah, we are trying, and you know the sincerity of your slaves. Please help us keep pushing."

Selamat Hari Tergila-Gila martian man :) 

May we have endless crazy days to come.

I Can Get Used to This - David Choi

No need for words really, this song just says it all :')

An Ode to My Greatest Inspiration :)

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal. - Albert Pike

One of the greatest figures in my life passed away today, though high in rank, he was always known first and foremost for his humility and simpleness in life. And it showed, for he died in the most beautiful way and while smiling the most radiant of smiles. Translator and ambassador, but above all my humble, funny, loving grandfather. I can only hope to follow in your footsteps. May Allah SWT grant the best of places for you in His Heaven. 

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un wa inna ila rabbina lamunqalibun.

http://news.liputan6.com/read/153780/widodo-sutiyo-pendamping-setia-pak-harto

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” -  Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I don't believe in love at first sight.

There was never that "OMG you're my soulmate" moment that I felt between us.

But what I do believe in is that love is something that develops, slowly, over time. 

True love is getting to know more and more about that person, right down to their worst qualities, yet still wanting to be with them and actually loving them even more. Being more and more comfortable sharing everything with them because you know they'll listen and understand. Wanting even to let them know about your worst qualities, the things that tick you off, the dreams that you have in this life. And then hearing these magical words in response: "I understand", "We'll work it out", "I'm proud of you". 

This, apart from the love of a parent for their child, is the strongest kind of love there is, because it does not start strong and then diminish, like the burst of a firework, which although is beautiful, lasts only a fraction of a second. True love grows, like a tree. It may start off as a small fragile thing, but through the years it grows, from each watering of affection and care that it feeds off of. At times, it may be challenged by storms and winds of the strongest kind, but because its roots are deep and its trunk flexible, it will not be uprooted. 

Many people search their entire lifetimes to experience love like this. Having found mine, I don't intend to let it go. No matter the obstacles that we'll face. And we will face many. I intend to weather through each and every one of them. For you are worth all of the thunderstorms in the world :)