random thought

singapore doesn't feel right,
australia's way too expensive,
canada's on the other side of the world,
abu dhabi... terlalu ekstrim kah kalau saya melanjutkan kuliah disitu?
beasiswanya begitu menggiurkan (mending dapet) haa..
starting to get really confused about all this again. why is it so easy for me to put my misery in prose, and yet so hard for me to make a decision that'll solve all of this once and for all..

back to scrappy little paragraphs again..

I'm really bad at cheering people up. Perhaps that's why I try so hard to never make people sad in the first place. I'd rather be the one to give up in an argument than carrying on and making the other person feel bad about themselves (this is probably why I always lose in debate competitions too). You don't know how much I envy those people that can go up to someone that's feeling really down, talk a little bit to them, and make them smile an instant later. I've never been able to do that. Pathetic isn't it? But that's me. I'm pretty sure it's probably because I'm not usually a very sociable person most of the time. I can't empathize with others. I become baffled at the simplest of their problems. Heck, I'd rather work than be asked to cheer up someone that's feeling sad. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't feel I'd be able to make that person happy again even if I tried. And I hate seeing people sad.

--O--

I'm not a good writer, really. My writing style is oftentimes far too formal and boring and sometimes my ideas aren't so original either. But I've accepted this as a part of me. I like writing. I like the fact that I can express those ideas that I oftentimes don't have the courage to express verbally to others. And I like the fact that I can go on at my own pace. I'm a slow thinker (emphasis: really, really, slow thinker) and I'm a die-hard perfectionist when it comes to everything that I'm working on. So I hate it when I have to present my ideas right at that moment without having time to revise and make them perfect first.

--O--

I've done things in my past that I've really, really regretted doing. I wish I could erase all of my memories of those days when I was beyond terrible, because they've often come back to haunt me when I least want them to. But now, here I am. Still imperfect, of course, but much, much better than what I was before. I don't even know how to begin to thank God for the second chance He's given me, but I've decided to try to show my gratitude by making the most out of the future He's so graciously given back to me, which is why I try my hardest to be of service to everyone around me. But I've also forced myself to remember that I'm a good person too. I'm not trying to compliment my own kindness, I just want to make sure that I don't forget that I've been given a second chance at being a good person, so if I keep on thinking that the person I am now is still the same as the pathetic wretch that I was before, then how am I being grateful?

--O--

So, the moral of the story is: Be happy. We've all done things in the past that we wish we hadn't done, but we also have the chance to do great things in the future that we didn't know we were capable of doing. So embrace that chance, and never think yourselves as unworthy for anything. As Coelho once quoted, "We don't drown by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it."

“Katakanlah: ‘Dia-lah Yang menciptakan kamu dan menjadikan bagi kamu pendengaran, penglihatan, dan hati.’ Tetapi amat sedikit kamu bersyukur.” (Al-Mulk, ayat 23)

GOD speaks to each and every one of us all the time, through countless little omens that we often don’t even realize at the moment. For me, with my ability to infer and read into situations being only a little more superior to that of a rock, it took a whole lot more than little omens. More specifically, it took me one heck of a math teacher and a thread of red string to really understand what those words really meant. And when I did so, MashaALLAH, my heart came back..

For the past two weeks now I’d been experiencing an odd calmness within myself. I should’ve been happy of course, since I hadn’t experienced a calm like this since, well, ever. And considering the upcoming exams that are practically staring me in the face now, I should’ve just embraced it. But the thing that made this calmness seem odd was the fact that I wasn’t actually happy. At all. I tried consoling myself with half-hearted claims of how I was doing what I needed to do and that I should be happy that I’d been able to hold on like this without cracking into a billion pieces in the first place. But no matter how many lies I invented to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing, I never found the contentment I had lost. In fact, I felt.. empty..

At certain moments I even doubted as to whether or not I even had a heart anymore since its presence felt virtually undetectable. And it’s only now that I realized that I had been the cause of all of that.

As Coelho once wrote, “[when people start thinking of the world as a threatening place – a place where only sacrifice and suffering will bring you where you need to be – then they will start to doubt their ability to follow the desires and dreams of their hearts, and when this happens] we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.”

 I not only silenced my heart, I probably almost killed it. I was the source of the deluge of lies that nearly drowned it in so much despair and pessimism for this life. And I had been the one that had cut it off during its moment of utter and complete joy.

So much joy that my whole body has trembled in its presence.

So much joy that my eyes have finally given up the precious pearls I thought it had kept hidden for eternity.

So much joy that I felt myself for once, not only connected to the Soul of the World, but practically immersed in it.

And yet, however strongly I may feel right now, I also realize that I am still a novice at this. It may be that the reason I’m able to feel this way is precisely because I’ve never experienced anything as astonishingly powerful as this. Or it may be that one of my life’s quests has been resolved for me before I even needed to embark on it. But whatever the reason, and to whatever ends this journey will take me, I don’t really care for at the moment. All I care to know is that GOD gave humans a heart for a reason; so that they would be able to rejoice and realize that not everything in this world has to be faced with sacrifice and suffering. My heart is probably beyond contentment right now, and I dare not silence it again without cause.

So, I will pray for one more thing now: If this feeling is something that You have destined for me as a guide to better my future, then allow me to continue to embrace it with as much strength and fervor as I do now, because it has been through this very ordeal that I have felt myself become ever closer to You. And it is this one factor that has brought me more joy than I have ever felt before..

For the one that revealed to me the wonders of the world,
For the one that always told me never to miss a chance at trying something new,
For the one that wakes me up with a gentle knock on my door on weekdays and blaring 80's rock music on weekends,
For the one that took me fishing for the first time and got all excited over the 2cm fish he helped me catch,
For the one who introduced me to the wonders of the written word through the countless novels he bought for me to devour,
For the one that never left before kissing my head and saying "Mbak, jaga mama sama adik-adik ya."
For the one that always came back with enough souvenirs to fill a shop
For the one that always sent postcards that arrived weeks after he'd returned, just so he could write and promise us "Daddy's gonna take you guys here too someday"
For the one who gave me more memories than I could possibly remember
And for the one I've never said enough Thank You's to..

I send out a silent prayer that He will allow you to come back this time, safe and sound as you always do.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you :)

From poems to pop

Got hit by some random stroke of melodic mastery, and came up with this little riff for my music test today, huaha! Haven't found much of a rhythm to go along with it though, so it's still a lot more poem-like than anything else - proof that song writing just isn't one of my talents, hehe. Anyways, it's rare for me to write something this good, so I thought I'd come and share this particular one with the world for once

Your heart’s a battlefield

Drowned out in stagnant tears

The sun that once had shone

Now cries in its broken home

You try to hide your pain,

Dress it in different names,

But I see through your ruse,

The real you that is my muse

Reff:

Oh, you gotta just

Let it out,

Live it up,

Let your smile see the light

The smile I’ve been waiting so long for

Reff

Oooh..

The smile that will carry me back home..

Confessions of a Confused College-student-wannabe

 My uncle: jadi janti kuliahnya mau ngambil bidang apa nih?
Me: um, masih bingung sih om, hehe, but i wanna do something to serve my country
My uncle: don't forget to serve yourself first ;)
Me: oh, iya sih, that too, hehe *starting to rethink my college plans again-.-

This dialogue took place about a couple of weeks ago (within a most relaxed atmosphere on the patio of some obscenely rich relative of mine), but the conflict portrayed within it has been tearing at me from within for months now.. Critical decision making situations like this have always left me like a fish out of water - confused and dry of good wisdom. This time it's a little bit better, cause I know what I want to do, I just don't know if life will allow me to do so..

I'm not in much of a writing mood today, and I've already indulged in this subject in countless little notes and abandoned paragraphs scattered within my laptop and the notes folder in my cellphone which I don't have much interest in publishing since they'd just be maddeningly complicated to fully explain. So, I think I'll just end this random little rant with an aptly fitting quote I just found from one of my favorite authors, which beautifully portrays the exact dilemma I'm facing at the moment:

“In his or her life, each person can take one of two attitudes: to build or to plant.  Builders may take years over their tasks, but one day they will finish what they are doing.  Then they will stop, hemmed in by their own walls.  Life becomes meaningless once the building is finished.  Those who plant suffer the storms and the seasons and rarely rest.  Unlike a building, a garden never stops growing.  And by its constant demands on the gardener’s attention, it makes the gardener’s life a great adventure.” - Coelho

Quite literally, I want to plant :)