“Katakanlah: ‘Dia-lah Yang menciptakan kamu dan menjadikan bagi kamu pendengaran, penglihatan, dan hati.’ Tetapi amat sedikit kamu bersyukur.” (Al-Mulk, ayat 23)

GOD speaks to each and every one of us all the time, through countless little omens that we often don’t even realize at the moment. For me, with my ability to infer and read into situations being only a little more superior to that of a rock, it took a whole lot more than little omens. More specifically, it took me one heck of a math teacher and a thread of red string to really understand what those words really meant. And when I did so, MashaALLAH, my heart came back..

For the past two weeks now I’d been experiencing an odd calmness within myself. I should’ve been happy of course, since I hadn’t experienced a calm like this since, well, ever. And considering the upcoming exams that are practically staring me in the face now, I should’ve just embraced it. But the thing that made this calmness seem odd was the fact that I wasn’t actually happy. At all. I tried consoling myself with half-hearted claims of how I was doing what I needed to do and that I should be happy that I’d been able to hold on like this without cracking into a billion pieces in the first place. But no matter how many lies I invented to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing, I never found the contentment I had lost. In fact, I felt.. empty..

At certain moments I even doubted as to whether or not I even had a heart anymore since its presence felt virtually undetectable. And it’s only now that I realized that I had been the cause of all of that.

As Coelho once wrote, “[when people start thinking of the world as a threatening place – a place where only sacrifice and suffering will bring you where you need to be – then they will start to doubt their ability to follow the desires and dreams of their hearts, and when this happens] we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.”

 I not only silenced my heart, I probably almost killed it. I was the source of the deluge of lies that nearly drowned it in so much despair and pessimism for this life. And I had been the one that had cut it off during its moment of utter and complete joy.

So much joy that my whole body has trembled in its presence.

So much joy that my eyes have finally given up the precious pearls I thought it had kept hidden for eternity.

So much joy that I felt myself for once, not only connected to the Soul of the World, but practically immersed in it.

And yet, however strongly I may feel right now, I also realize that I am still a novice at this. It may be that the reason I’m able to feel this way is precisely because I’ve never experienced anything as astonishingly powerful as this. Or it may be that one of my life’s quests has been resolved for me before I even needed to embark on it. But whatever the reason, and to whatever ends this journey will take me, I don’t really care for at the moment. All I care to know is that GOD gave humans a heart for a reason; so that they would be able to rejoice and realize that not everything in this world has to be faced with sacrifice and suffering. My heart is probably beyond contentment right now, and I dare not silence it again without cause.

So, I will pray for one more thing now: If this feeling is something that You have destined for me as a guide to better my future, then allow me to continue to embrace it with as much strength and fervor as I do now, because it has been through this very ordeal that I have felt myself become ever closer to You. And it is this one factor that has brought me more joy than I have ever felt before..