Soliloquy no.1

A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.

Kahlil Gibran

Perhaps this is why I'm not really that crazy about studying in places like NTU and the like, where everything just seems to be revolved around how much you know and how high your grades are. No intention to brag, but I think I've had more than my fair share of good grades so far and honestly, the only thing I think I've really gotten from them is the frustration of not knowing. Ironic? Not really. In fact, I think it's actually something to be expected. I mean think about it, what is it that you do to get good grades? Most of you idealists (and somewhat malay folk) would probably say: study lah. But seriously, at the end of the day how much of all of those pages and pages of bullet-pointed facts and explanations actually stick in our minds? Can't find an answer to that? Well think about this too: how much of it do we actually use? Like directly in our lives?

So much of us are just so obsessed with aiming for a quantitative result from our studies that we often forget to take into account the qualitative part, i.e. good grades vs. good understanding. Sure good grades are something we have to aim for, but they should be more like something of a by-product of the efforts that we've made, rather than being our final goal. They should be what lets us know that the energy we have expended in putting together all of those informational substrates have successfully transformed themselves into a far more useful and coherent end product: the ability to understand and apply the knowledge we have learned. So where have my good grades gotten me so far? Currently, it's gotten me a place (well, actually 3 places) for my name and photograph to be hung under the heading 'Congratulations on your excellent achievement!' on the 4th floor bulletin board for the IC students at my school. So is this what I want? Hah. You might as well be asking me whether or not I'd want to use fishing line for my shoe laces - kind of a cool idea now that I've thought about it - but that's exactly my point: it's cool, but useless.

I have my last Cambridge exam paper tomorrow (thank God!) and that's really what kind of got me started thinking about all this. Being the workaholic that I am, I've been studying like crazy in preparation for these exams (these past few weeks being especially hectic) and because of all this, I haven't really had time to do much of anything else. A mountain of half-read novels was (and is still) piling up in my bedside table because I simply never have a chance to read them properly to the end. For 5 days out of 7 my life consisted of eating, sleeping and studying both at school and at home (yes I slept at school too). Even going on a bike ride to the Alfamart near my house was like a vacation in and of itself for me. And there's been more than a couple of moments when this situation I was in had almost pushed me so far as to the brink of simply giving up on everything right then and there.

Thankfully, I've managed to hold on, as well as stay sane throughout this whole ordeal. Knowing me, I'll probably forget a large part of what I've learned perhaps even as quickly as the end of next month. But if there's one good thing that I've gotten out of the seemingly endless physical and mental stress of this year's exams is a promise that I've made to myself: I won't let my efforts evaporate in vain. Fortunately, after months of agonizing uncertainty and gutless flip-flopping, I think I've finally found a field of study that will allow me to use all of the knowledge I've learned so far. Hopefully, if I learn it well, I'll be able to make a future for myself that will benefit my parents and the people around me, as well as putting to use all these blasted years of insane studying. Perfecto, right? So all I need to do now is just make sure I don't quit half-way again this time. Easier said than done, I know, but hey loads of people have fought for their dreams and won, so why should I be any less capable of doing so?

just a bit of advice

For any would-be educational reformer out there that happens to be reading this, I have a little piece of advice I’d like to share with you: before any more of you start having the ‘brilliant’ idea of setting up an International Class in your school, please – no, I BEG of you – ensure that you have the adequate resources (be it in the form of teachers or teaching materials) necessary to support the full experience of the foreign curriculum you’re so proudly trying to uphold. Because quite frankly, missing out on half of the curriculum that should have been taught and having teachers who are just as baffled by the exam questions as their students are, is not a pleasant experience at all for both sides. Especially when the time comes for that student to go face-to-face with an exam paper that requires what should have been 2 years of practical work in a well-equipped laboratory, with the right materials and explanation of things like experimental planning techniques, hypothesis-making, and analyses of results obtained -.-

So, seriously, either go all out or nothing, because going halfway like this just creates unnecessary confusion and frustration which tends to result in students who just give up the whole charade and end up focusing on the national curriculum like everyone else. So much for your educational reform, eh?

*jfyi: excessive frustration at the upcoming paper 5 biology exam next Tuesday is what prompted me to write this. May God help all those other unfortunate souls that are faced with the same predicament as I am.

random thought

singapore doesn't feel right,
australia's way too expensive,
canada's on the other side of the world,
abu dhabi... terlalu ekstrim kah kalau saya melanjutkan kuliah disitu?
beasiswanya begitu menggiurkan (mending dapet) haa..
starting to get really confused about all this again. why is it so easy for me to put my misery in prose, and yet so hard for me to make a decision that'll solve all of this once and for all..

back to scrappy little paragraphs again..

I'm really bad at cheering people up. Perhaps that's why I try so hard to never make people sad in the first place. I'd rather be the one to give up in an argument than carrying on and making the other person feel bad about themselves (this is probably why I always lose in debate competitions too). You don't know how much I envy those people that can go up to someone that's feeling really down, talk a little bit to them, and make them smile an instant later. I've never been able to do that. Pathetic isn't it? But that's me. I'm pretty sure it's probably because I'm not usually a very sociable person most of the time. I can't empathize with others. I become baffled at the simplest of their problems. Heck, I'd rather work than be asked to cheer up someone that's feeling sad. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't feel I'd be able to make that person happy again even if I tried. And I hate seeing people sad.

--O--

I'm not a good writer, really. My writing style is oftentimes far too formal and boring and sometimes my ideas aren't so original either. But I've accepted this as a part of me. I like writing. I like the fact that I can express those ideas that I oftentimes don't have the courage to express verbally to others. And I like the fact that I can go on at my own pace. I'm a slow thinker (emphasis: really, really, slow thinker) and I'm a die-hard perfectionist when it comes to everything that I'm working on. So I hate it when I have to present my ideas right at that moment without having time to revise and make them perfect first.

--O--

I've done things in my past that I've really, really regretted doing. I wish I could erase all of my memories of those days when I was beyond terrible, because they've often come back to haunt me when I least want them to. But now, here I am. Still imperfect, of course, but much, much better than what I was before. I don't even know how to begin to thank God for the second chance He's given me, but I've decided to try to show my gratitude by making the most out of the future He's so graciously given back to me, which is why I try my hardest to be of service to everyone around me. But I've also forced myself to remember that I'm a good person too. I'm not trying to compliment my own kindness, I just want to make sure that I don't forget that I've been given a second chance at being a good person, so if I keep on thinking that the person I am now is still the same as the pathetic wretch that I was before, then how am I being grateful?

--O--

So, the moral of the story is: Be happy. We've all done things in the past that we wish we hadn't done, but we also have the chance to do great things in the future that we didn't know we were capable of doing. So embrace that chance, and never think yourselves as unworthy for anything. As Coelho once quoted, "We don't drown by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it."

“Katakanlah: ‘Dia-lah Yang menciptakan kamu dan menjadikan bagi kamu pendengaran, penglihatan, dan hati.’ Tetapi amat sedikit kamu bersyukur.” (Al-Mulk, ayat 23)

GOD speaks to each and every one of us all the time, through countless little omens that we often don’t even realize at the moment. For me, with my ability to infer and read into situations being only a little more superior to that of a rock, it took a whole lot more than little omens. More specifically, it took me one heck of a math teacher and a thread of red string to really understand what those words really meant. And when I did so, MashaALLAH, my heart came back..

For the past two weeks now I’d been experiencing an odd calmness within myself. I should’ve been happy of course, since I hadn’t experienced a calm like this since, well, ever. And considering the upcoming exams that are practically staring me in the face now, I should’ve just embraced it. But the thing that made this calmness seem odd was the fact that I wasn’t actually happy. At all. I tried consoling myself with half-hearted claims of how I was doing what I needed to do and that I should be happy that I’d been able to hold on like this without cracking into a billion pieces in the first place. But no matter how many lies I invented to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing, I never found the contentment I had lost. In fact, I felt.. empty..

At certain moments I even doubted as to whether or not I even had a heart anymore since its presence felt virtually undetectable. And it’s only now that I realized that I had been the cause of all of that.

As Coelho once wrote, “[when people start thinking of the world as a threatening place – a place where only sacrifice and suffering will bring you where you need to be – then they will start to doubt their ability to follow the desires and dreams of their hearts, and when this happens] we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.”

 I not only silenced my heart, I probably almost killed it. I was the source of the deluge of lies that nearly drowned it in so much despair and pessimism for this life. And I had been the one that had cut it off during its moment of utter and complete joy.

So much joy that my whole body has trembled in its presence.

So much joy that my eyes have finally given up the precious pearls I thought it had kept hidden for eternity.

So much joy that I felt myself for once, not only connected to the Soul of the World, but practically immersed in it.

And yet, however strongly I may feel right now, I also realize that I am still a novice at this. It may be that the reason I’m able to feel this way is precisely because I’ve never experienced anything as astonishingly powerful as this. Or it may be that one of my life’s quests has been resolved for me before I even needed to embark on it. But whatever the reason, and to whatever ends this journey will take me, I don’t really care for at the moment. All I care to know is that GOD gave humans a heart for a reason; so that they would be able to rejoice and realize that not everything in this world has to be faced with sacrifice and suffering. My heart is probably beyond contentment right now, and I dare not silence it again without cause.

So, I will pray for one more thing now: If this feeling is something that You have destined for me as a guide to better my future, then allow me to continue to embrace it with as much strength and fervor as I do now, because it has been through this very ordeal that I have felt myself become ever closer to You. And it is this one factor that has brought me more joy than I have ever felt before..

For the one that revealed to me the wonders of the world,
For the one that always told me never to miss a chance at trying something new,
For the one that wakes me up with a gentle knock on my door on weekdays and blaring 80's rock music on weekends,
For the one that took me fishing for the first time and got all excited over the 2cm fish he helped me catch,
For the one who introduced me to the wonders of the written word through the countless novels he bought for me to devour,
For the one that never left before kissing my head and saying "Mbak, jaga mama sama adik-adik ya."
For the one that always came back with enough souvenirs to fill a shop
For the one that always sent postcards that arrived weeks after he'd returned, just so he could write and promise us "Daddy's gonna take you guys here too someday"
For the one who gave me more memories than I could possibly remember
And for the one I've never said enough Thank You's to..

I send out a silent prayer that He will allow you to come back this time, safe and sound as you always do.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you :)

From poems to pop

Got hit by some random stroke of melodic mastery, and came up with this little riff for my music test today, huaha! Haven't found much of a rhythm to go along with it though, so it's still a lot more poem-like than anything else - proof that song writing just isn't one of my talents, hehe. Anyways, it's rare for me to write something this good, so I thought I'd come and share this particular one with the world for once

Your heart’s a battlefield

Drowned out in stagnant tears

The sun that once had shone

Now cries in its broken home

You try to hide your pain,

Dress it in different names,

But I see through your ruse,

The real you that is my muse

Reff:

Oh, you gotta just

Let it out,

Live it up,

Let your smile see the light

The smile I’ve been waiting so long for

Reff

Oooh..

The smile that will carry me back home..