There are these days when I really do complain so much and think so badly of the life I'm currently living. But then there are those days, those spontaneously miraculous days when my mind is cleared and I'm reminded of just how great a life I'm leading. Those are the days when I realize just how perfect all of this has been set up by Allah SWT. Usually I complain about the backwardness and humdrum life in Jatinangor, but on these special days I literally fall in love with everything in this town. I love the constantly cool weather (this is often the reason why I don't want to go back to the humid grip of Jakarta as frequently as some of my friends do). I love the warm and polite Sundanese natives (even the supposedly 'bad-boy' type kids here have a degree of politeness that Jakartan kids just completely lack). I love hearing them speak their lusciously lilting language (just hearing them talk all the time has made me wish I could speak Sundanese like them). But most of all, I love all of the unexpected experiences I've gotten while living here.
When I'm in class I almost feel as though I'm living out an episode of Spongebob Squarepants where Squidward decides to move to a new housing complex that's filled with squids who look, live, and have the same hobbies as he does, and he feels as though he's died and gone to Squidward heaven. This may be a bit hyperbolic I admit, but this is exactly how I feel when I'm with my HI friends. My friends in high school were great, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I really had to make an effort to be able to fit in and connect with them. With the kids in my class now though, just being myself is enough for me to be able to connect to them. I can talk to them about history (my all-time favorite subject), about the current going-ons in the world, about travelling, about our futures as diplomat wannabes, and best of all, I can talk to them about books. The fact that most Indonesians haven't developed an appetite for reading (other than comics) is among the top ten things that saddens me about this country. So imagine my delight at finding a crop of Indonesian kids that actually share my love of reading. And not just any books, mind you. During this last term break, my friend asked me if I could buy a book for her in Jakarta called "Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar". If you haven't guessed already by the title, this book is not one of those chick-lit readings or another one of those putatively inspirational memoirs. This thing is straight out of a philosophy course discussing the ideas of everyone from Plato to Descartes, yet served up in the form of playful jokes and banter to help it become more accessible to the public mind. I though this book was the kind of obscure gem that only people like me would enjoy reading, but hah, how happy was I to be proven wrong.
And you know what, Jatinangor, no matter how much I hated it initially and how much I still hate it occasionally, really can feel like my own little version of paradise sometimes. The weather here is deliciously cool, especially in the mornings and afternoons. And for a person that loves cold weather like I do, living here is the next best thing aside from actually living and going to college in a more temperate region abroad.
And another thing, you see, in high school I had Rohis, and now, despite not being a part of the official 'Rohis' (or more commonly known as DKM FISIP here), I find myself amongst the same community as I had back in my high school Rohis. The only difference is, I didn't voluntarily sign up for this community. I just somehow ended up here, amongst these wonderful women and sisters of mine that pretty much share the same views on life and Islam as I do. And although I was reluctant at first, I really think I've found my place among them and am ready to be guided by them in this life and the next. And while Rohis or DKM perhaps are more of a formal organisational group and sometimes feel as though they're more focused on organizing events at school/campus (although many will deny this). This community that I'm in now is focused solely on the spiritual development of each and every one of us, just us girls, no guys, so there really is no temptation to have a.. istilahnya mah niat yang melenceng gitu.. whenever we're called to attend the weekly gatherings. This is especially important for me since in high school, this was something I wasn't able to control so easily.
I know that compared to other universities, UNPAD isn't exactly top of the notch. And compared to other towns, Jatinangor is probably on a level of its own in terms of isolation and un-modernness. But, you know what, when I'm having these kind of days, I really couldn't care less because no matter how 'supposedly' not great my life seems here, I have only these words to say: I prayed for the best to happen in my life and God gave me exactly that, sometimes more, but never less. And I'm having a heck of a time making the best of it all :)
Btw, naik motor dari atas gerbang baru sampe kiara payung (ataupun sebaliknya) itu dahsyat nian, asli. Dan pemandangannya - to die for - kalo gue sempet ke sana lagi nanti gue fotoin deh. That's all for now~
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
Rude awakening
Have you ever awoken,
in the searing austerity of no man's land?
a place where sound is unspoken
and there be no place to rest your hand
Your feet tread paths unseen
possibilities being overwhelmingly grand
but in the end, indecision is the only thing you glean
in this barren area of no man's land...
I can't tell you how terrifying it is to wake up suddenly feeling you've lost all purpose to live. I don't mean this in a dejected, suicidal way, but rather in a somewhat zoned-out way in which you really don't know what you're supposed to be doing with this precious little thing called life you've got continuously slipping away like a handful of sand. It was a bizarre feeling, and one that I really hadn't expected. To put it in other terms, it was like asking myself "What the hell have you been able to contribute to this world in the past 18 years and 8 months of your existence so far?" and all I could do was reply with a pitiful "I don't know. Nothing I guess". Surely it can't be that bad? Perhaps my mortal memory was to blame for my lack of finding anything that could've justified my existence so far. Or perhaps it all came down to the simple truth that I haven't actually done much at all to be remembered by..
I don't like lingering on negative thoughts like this. Which is why I sometimes forget and eventually just end up deluding myself into thinking that I'm breezing through life as perfectly as anyone could. But, of course, perfection and humans can't really go into the same sentence while still upholding at least an essence of truth; it's just part of our nature to be undeniably 'flawed' in some areas. But, I digress.
Back to the matter at hand, I think one of the major reasons I finally found myself cornered into acknowledging the problem I was facing was because I suddenly didn't know just what the heck I'll be doing after I graduate. I started the 'if only' game with my past self again, 'if only I'd put more thought into my choice of classes during that middle year of high school', 'if only I'd have been brave enough to try out for those scholarships abroad' (I called it quits before I even gave any sponsors a try; an idiotic and cowardly mistake), and now, will I still be mad enough to try a drastic change in majors? I can tell you I was seriously tempted to do so at one point after watching this Blue Planet documentary on deep sea creatures (or perhaps I should just stop watching nature documentaries? that'd be an easier solution, no doubt, haha)
Because, truth be told, my outlook on international relations isn't as excited as people might expect. I remember when I came off with an almost disgust for the whole studies and practice of it all after I'd (half) read Independent Diplomat by Carne Ross. Because of that book I finally saw diplomacy or perhaps more precisely the foreign services for what it really was, another bureaucratically laden chunk of taxpayers' money that dealt with problems so literally 'out there' that it never really seemed to help those that really needed it. The UN, the INGO's, and even the embassies, (but particularly the UN) oftentimes, and as ironic as this may seem, are just too big to directly deal with the problems that the small people out there are facing on a day-to-day basis. Conferences are held, plenary sessions are conducted annually, and yet, more often than not all that they really are are an excuse to have what could essentially be deemed as a paid vacation in a ritzy hotel for a week or so whilst occasionally churning out treaties and resolutions that don't even make much of a difference. I can't say it's not enjoyable. No doubt anyone would jump at the opportunity to set foot in exciting new countries on a near monthly basis. But travelling's just supposed to be a perk of the job, not the main essence of it. The last time my dad came back from one of these conferences (an IRENA con at Dubai a couple weeks back) he didn't exactly come home with the air of someone who'd just played a part in shaping the fate of the world (okay, that's a bit hyperbolic). But that's what diplomats are supposed to do, right? We're the agents of change for the entire world. We have the power to make resolutions that can impact the lives of 6 billion people all across the globe. There's got to be some kind of satisfaction after knowing that you'd played such an integral role. Unless, that's not what really happens, and all of that agents of change hubbub was just a part of that quintessentially diplomatic sweet talk to mask the blandly uneventful reality of it all. And that's a problem for me.
I want to get out there. I want go down with people from all walks of life and just utterly give myself to them in whatever way I can to help (perhaps if I weren't so squeamish I would've just studied to be a doctor, then this all too altruistic desire of mine would at least be easier sated). I want that satisfaction of knowing that I did something worthwhile in my life, something that really left its mark not only in myself but also in other people around me. So why the heck did I choose to keep trudging along this path, even though I am and have been aware that I've been 'trudging' along it all this time? Perhaps it's because I've just given up already. Or perhaps it's actually destined to be this way.. Okay, blaming it all on madame fate is a pretty low blow, so I won't give in that easily, but I guess that's the best I can do until I figure out what it is I'm going to do with myself.
in the searing austerity of no man's land?
a place where sound is unspoken
and there be no place to rest your hand
Your feet tread paths unseen
possibilities being overwhelmingly grand
but in the end, indecision is the only thing you glean
in this barren area of no man's land...
I can't tell you how terrifying it is to wake up suddenly feeling you've lost all purpose to live. I don't mean this in a dejected, suicidal way, but rather in a somewhat zoned-out way in which you really don't know what you're supposed to be doing with this precious little thing called life you've got continuously slipping away like a handful of sand. It was a bizarre feeling, and one that I really hadn't expected. To put it in other terms, it was like asking myself "What the hell have you been able to contribute to this world in the past 18 years and 8 months of your existence so far?" and all I could do was reply with a pitiful "I don't know. Nothing I guess". Surely it can't be that bad? Perhaps my mortal memory was to blame for my lack of finding anything that could've justified my existence so far. Or perhaps it all came down to the simple truth that I haven't actually done much at all to be remembered by..
I don't like lingering on negative thoughts like this. Which is why I sometimes forget and eventually just end up deluding myself into thinking that I'm breezing through life as perfectly as anyone could. But, of course, perfection and humans can't really go into the same sentence while still upholding at least an essence of truth; it's just part of our nature to be undeniably 'flawed' in some areas. But, I digress.
Back to the matter at hand, I think one of the major reasons I finally found myself cornered into acknowledging the problem I was facing was because I suddenly didn't know just what the heck I'll be doing after I graduate. I started the 'if only' game with my past self again, 'if only I'd put more thought into my choice of classes during that middle year of high school', 'if only I'd have been brave enough to try out for those scholarships abroad' (I called it quits before I even gave any sponsors a try; an idiotic and cowardly mistake), and now, will I still be mad enough to try a drastic change in majors? I can tell you I was seriously tempted to do so at one point after watching this Blue Planet documentary on deep sea creatures (or perhaps I should just stop watching nature documentaries? that'd be an easier solution, no doubt, haha)
Because, truth be told, my outlook on international relations isn't as excited as people might expect. I remember when I came off with an almost disgust for the whole studies and practice of it all after I'd (half) read Independent Diplomat by Carne Ross. Because of that book I finally saw diplomacy or perhaps more precisely the foreign services for what it really was, another bureaucratically laden chunk of taxpayers' money that dealt with problems so literally 'out there' that it never really seemed to help those that really needed it. The UN, the INGO's, and even the embassies, (but particularly the UN) oftentimes, and as ironic as this may seem, are just too big to directly deal with the problems that the small people out there are facing on a day-to-day basis. Conferences are held, plenary sessions are conducted annually, and yet, more often than not all that they really are are an excuse to have what could essentially be deemed as a paid vacation in a ritzy hotel for a week or so whilst occasionally churning out treaties and resolutions that don't even make much of a difference. I can't say it's not enjoyable. No doubt anyone would jump at the opportunity to set foot in exciting new countries on a near monthly basis. But travelling's just supposed to be a perk of the job, not the main essence of it. The last time my dad came back from one of these conferences (an IRENA con at Dubai a couple weeks back) he didn't exactly come home with the air of someone who'd just played a part in shaping the fate of the world (okay, that's a bit hyperbolic). But that's what diplomats are supposed to do, right? We're the agents of change for the entire world. We have the power to make resolutions that can impact the lives of 6 billion people all across the globe. There's got to be some kind of satisfaction after knowing that you'd played such an integral role. Unless, that's not what really happens, and all of that agents of change hubbub was just a part of that quintessentially diplomatic sweet talk to mask the blandly uneventful reality of it all. And that's a problem for me.
I want to get out there. I want go down with people from all walks of life and just utterly give myself to them in whatever way I can to help (perhaps if I weren't so squeamish I would've just studied to be a doctor, then this all too altruistic desire of mine would at least be easier sated). I want that satisfaction of knowing that I did something worthwhile in my life, something that really left its mark not only in myself but also in other people around me. So why the heck did I choose to keep trudging along this path, even though I am and have been aware that I've been 'trudging' along it all this time? Perhaps it's because I've just given up already. Or perhaps it's actually destined to be this way.. Okay, blaming it all on madame fate is a pretty low blow, so I won't give in that easily, but I guess that's the best I can do until I figure out what it is I'm going to do with myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
