I learned something new about myself today, whenever I'm in an emotionally overwhelming situation I have the tendency to shut down. It's as if all of my sensory abilities go numb and anything vaguely resembling emotions fail to register on my mind. This is what happened to me yesterday, when I got the news, a million different feelings came bubbling up to the surface at once: anger, sadness, surprise, pain, everything. But then, in the span of what felt like only 5 seconds, it stopped. It didn't dissipate, or diminish, or decrease in any gradual way, it just stopped. If I was a soda bottle being shaken up, I'd say it was like I not only held the cap closed to prevent the bottle exploding, but I somehow made the all the pressure inside it disappear, because what I felt after that and still feel now is just a serene calmness. I'm not sure where I learned to develop this kind of self-preservation mechanism, but frankly I don't really care, I'm just grateful that I did.
It still surprises me though how easily I'm getting through all this. I'm not even flinching when I see his face or name any more, but I know that I'm just skirting the feelings. I can still feel it. It's like walking on a fragile icy pond that you know you can plunge into at any given moment where the ice is thinnest. To put it in the same analogy, I've been skating carefully, tentatively. It's made me slow yes, and somewhat absent-minded at times, but the important thing is I haven't fallen through, and I intend to keep it that way.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
3..2..1..
23/11/2013
Haven't talked to you since Thursday now. Kinda regret not being at home to chat with you that night, HI Corner wasn't really that worth it. I wanna send you another message, ask how you're doing, but I keep being torn whether it'd be the right thing to do or not. Maybe this is God's way of pushing us apart. Maybe we weren't meant to be. It hurts, this uncertainty. And what's killing me the most is that I don't know why you haven't replied to my previous messages. I promised I wouldn't disappear on you. I hope you won't do it to me. I've always had the tendency to take love for granted, perhaps because people have always so willingly given it to me. I know now how much it hurts to not have that love returned in full at a time when I want it to be. Thank you for teaching me this, I needed this lesson.
24/11/2013
On the bus to Jakarta now, the AEON 2013 welcoming party is tonight, I'm going with Ucup and Male. Kinda reluctant to go on Primajasa now ever since that last time we said goodbye. That was definitely one of the worst bus rides I'd ever had. I didn't even cry that much when my grandfather died.
It's been two months now and I think both of us have gotten over what people call the 'honeymoon' stage. We're finally starting to question ourselves whether or not we are each other's destined path.
It's funny you know, your circumstances are exactly like mine when I was in high school. 3 people. 1 friend, 1 significant other, and 1 who loved unconditionally albeit as confused as you are. Normally, I think I should be mad. Mad because it seems like you're placing me as a last resort, someone you can fall back on cause everyone else has rejected. And yet, surprisingly I'm not mad at all. I'm not sure if my lack of emotion proves my calmness and maturity in dealing with this or if this is simply a numbing reflex I've adapted to cope with the pain I know I'm supposed to feel.
Writing is helping though, so thank you for inspiring me with the idea. Seems like love really is a drug, and addiction is just inevitable. That's why it hurst so much whenever I lose contact with you for so long, it's like I'm detoxing my heart.
Found one of Lang Leav's poems that describes precisely how I feel. Perhaps we both were each other's angels sent to teach something or help at a perilous time: you through your conversion to Islam and me through my grandpa's death. Perhaps this is why it's so easy for me to let you go, because I know you've fulfilled your purpose as I have mine. And though it saddens me that we will be strangers once more, you always will be among the sweetest of memories in my heart.
25/11/2013
The End.
It's official. For now at least :)
Yesterday's AEON reunion taught me something very valuable: goodbyes aren't always forever.
See how beautifully and perfectly God plans everything? He never lets you go until you're really really ready. I wasn't ready before. But after last night, I became ready, and now I'm not afraid. I'm not sad or depressed or anything I should be feeling considering my current situation. I am letting go wholeheartedly this time, no more going back, and I am jotting down now all the lessons I've learned from you:
I've learned the power of prayer.
I've learned to trust in God's love.
I've learned to never make promises I can't keep.
I've learned to be grateful of the love I receive.
And I've learned about the kind of love that I deserve: one that never seeks to change me but will always be proud of the real me, even in all my silences. But most importantly, one that will be able to guide me to His Heaven. Now that I know there are people like you, I will never settle for anything less.
My prayers for you will still be the same: I pray for God to reunite us if that is His will, but if not then I pray for Him to guide and protect you in His neverending grace, and to give you someone who can continue to guide you in Islam.
Haven't talked to you since Thursday now. Kinda regret not being at home to chat with you that night, HI Corner wasn't really that worth it. I wanna send you another message, ask how you're doing, but I keep being torn whether it'd be the right thing to do or not. Maybe this is God's way of pushing us apart. Maybe we weren't meant to be. It hurts, this uncertainty. And what's killing me the most is that I don't know why you haven't replied to my previous messages. I promised I wouldn't disappear on you. I hope you won't do it to me. I've always had the tendency to take love for granted, perhaps because people have always so willingly given it to me. I know now how much it hurts to not have that love returned in full at a time when I want it to be. Thank you for teaching me this, I needed this lesson.
24/11/2013
On the bus to Jakarta now, the AEON 2013 welcoming party is tonight, I'm going with Ucup and Male. Kinda reluctant to go on Primajasa now ever since that last time we said goodbye. That was definitely one of the worst bus rides I'd ever had. I didn't even cry that much when my grandfather died.
It's been two months now and I think both of us have gotten over what people call the 'honeymoon' stage. We're finally starting to question ourselves whether or not we are each other's destined path.
It's funny you know, your circumstances are exactly like mine when I was in high school. 3 people. 1 friend, 1 significant other, and 1 who loved unconditionally albeit as confused as you are. Normally, I think I should be mad. Mad because it seems like you're placing me as a last resort, someone you can fall back on cause everyone else has rejected. And yet, surprisingly I'm not mad at all. I'm not sure if my lack of emotion proves my calmness and maturity in dealing with this or if this is simply a numbing reflex I've adapted to cope with the pain I know I'm supposed to feel.
Writing is helping though, so thank you for inspiring me with the idea. Seems like love really is a drug, and addiction is just inevitable. That's why it hurst so much whenever I lose contact with you for so long, it's like I'm detoxing my heart.
Found one of Lang Leav's poems that describes precisely how I feel. Perhaps we both were each other's angels sent to teach something or help at a perilous time: you through your conversion to Islam and me through my grandpa's death. Perhaps this is why it's so easy for me to let you go, because I know you've fulfilled your purpose as I have mine. And though it saddens me that we will be strangers once more, you always will be among the sweetest of memories in my heart.
25/11/2013
The End.
It's official. For now at least :)
Yesterday's AEON reunion taught me something very valuable: goodbyes aren't always forever.
See how beautifully and perfectly God plans everything? He never lets you go until you're really really ready. I wasn't ready before. But after last night, I became ready, and now I'm not afraid. I'm not sad or depressed or anything I should be feeling considering my current situation. I am letting go wholeheartedly this time, no more going back, and I am jotting down now all the lessons I've learned from you:
I've learned the power of prayer.
I've learned to trust in God's love.
I've learned to never make promises I can't keep.
I've learned to be grateful of the love I receive.
And I've learned about the kind of love that I deserve: one that never seeks to change me but will always be proud of the real me, even in all my silences. But most importantly, one that will be able to guide me to His Heaven. Now that I know there are people like you, I will never settle for anything less.
My prayers for you will still be the same: I pray for God to reunite us if that is His will, but if not then I pray for Him to guide and protect you in His neverending grace, and to give you someone who can continue to guide you in Islam.
Monday, November 18, 2013
AYVP! :')
What it doesn't mention is that "deep emotional" in this case often means missing those people you're separated from in the most heartwrenching of ways. My family. My grandfather. My grandmother. The friends I've made in so many different occasions. You. I think I'm currently experiencing more mizpahs than should be shouldered by one person, but I guess this is my challenge in life :)
Thursday, November 14, 2013
:)
Every time you feel lonely or disconnected, remember this; you are far from being singular and isolated. You are a part of a greater Whole....so infinite and all-encompassing there are no human words to explain it. Every breath, every heartbeat is intimately known and loved beyond measure. ~ Creator
Thursday, November 7, 2013
There are days like today when I really really miss you. And yet I know I can't let myself be tempted to contact you, because it'll just make things harder and more confusing for us again. Last night, I braved myself to read our last conversation in FB. I thought I was going to be emotionally drained after reading it, but surprisingly it calmed me and gave me the strength to hold true to the decision we made. I'm holding on to that last promise I made to you, that I wouldn't be sad or depressed just because we won't be having any more special sundays or late night chats. It's hard, and as you can see (if you could read this), there are days when it's especially hard to keep true to that promise. But writing like this is helping me a bit. It seems all I really needed was a place to vent out my thoughts and feelings. You were that place for me for almost a month and I became addicted to the solace that I found in sharing those thoughts and feelings with you. Addicted to the happiness and gratitude that I felt in knowing that someone was always ready to listen and care enough to comfort me and make me laugh again when I was feeling down. The thing that still saddens me until now is that when I said goodbye to you, I realized that I didn't just lose a person whom I dearly loved and loved me back, but I also lost one of the best friends I've ever had (even if for only a short period of time).
If you are magically reading this somehow, don't worry, I'm okay. I promised you that and I'll keep true to my promise. That first promise to you I can't keep though, because I still feel that there's a chance for us, and if God wills it then there's really no one else I'd rather wait for for all my life. I love you martian man, I miss saying this to you, but hopefully there'll be a time again when I can say it directly to you and not just write it down in paltry little words like this.
As you said to me before, "kung ikaw ang nakatakda para sa akin, siguradong tayo'y magkikitang muli, mahal kita, mahal na mahal." :)
If you are magically reading this somehow, don't worry, I'm okay. I promised you that and I'll keep true to my promise. That first promise to you I can't keep though, because I still feel that there's a chance for us, and if God wills it then there's really no one else I'd rather wait for for all my life. I love you martian man, I miss saying this to you, but hopefully there'll be a time again when I can say it directly to you and not just write it down in paltry little words like this.
As you said to me before, "kung ikaw ang nakatakda para sa akin, siguradong tayo'y magkikitang muli, mahal kita, mahal na mahal." :)
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Another Crazy Experience
I will remember your sweet semi-smile, your turtle-face, your sharp intake of breath before you speak.
I will remember the way you ask permission to have your cheesy moments, and all the lame jokes and pick-up lines you come up with from God knows where.
I will remember the way you poke my cheeks and my sides at random intervals and how you always remind me not to cry whenever I get the least bit emotional.
I will remember your smooth stubby hands and the desperation yet strength you had when you grasped mine.
I will remember the way that you're just an overall hopeless romantic who listens to slow instrumental songs from a world music album.
And I most definitely will remember all of the crazy, spontaneous moments we had: stargazing on the beach, painting each other's faces, searching for halal food in a Chinese night market, climbing a 4-storey rooftop, going on a bike ride along the Melaka River at nighttime, eating porridge with chocolate chip cookies on another rooftop, trekking through a forest with no established trail, jogging a different route every day, finding absurd synonyms for mainstream words and phrases, laughing at the pick-up lines you slip into your PDF code for our group report, proposing to me under a semi-lit tree with a self-drawn marker ring, proclaiming your shahadah through Skype with me.
My words here are nowhere near sufficient to capture the spirit of the moments we've shared and my gratitude to God is beyond words for letting us share those moments together :)
I will remember the way you ask permission to have your cheesy moments, and all the lame jokes and pick-up lines you come up with from God knows where.
I will remember the way you poke my cheeks and my sides at random intervals and how you always remind me not to cry whenever I get the least bit emotional.
I will remember your smooth stubby hands and the desperation yet strength you had when you grasped mine.
I will remember the way that you're just an overall hopeless romantic who listens to slow instrumental songs from a world music album.
And I most definitely will remember all of the crazy, spontaneous moments we had: stargazing on the beach, painting each other's faces, searching for halal food in a Chinese night market, climbing a 4-storey rooftop, going on a bike ride along the Melaka River at nighttime, eating porridge with chocolate chip cookies on another rooftop, trekking through a forest with no established trail, jogging a different route every day, finding absurd synonyms for mainstream words and phrases, laughing at the pick-up lines you slip into your PDF code for our group report, proposing to me under a semi-lit tree with a self-drawn marker ring, proclaiming your shahadah through Skype with me.
My words here are nowhere near sufficient to capture the spirit of the moments we've shared and my gratitude to God is beyond words for letting us share those moments together :)
Goodbye, for now :)
"Sometimes, Allah takes us away from things, from people, from familiarity to unknown paths, to the completely unfamiliar so that we can once again trace back our paths to Him."
I know now what I did wrong last time. This time, I did not do it again. This time, I know what lesson I should've learned. And God help me, I will never forget it.
Thank You for easing me in a decision that I should've taken a long time ago. Thank You for taking me back under Your guidance. I pray that I will never, ever, forsake it ever again. And thank You, for teaching it to me gently, and through, literally, one of the best teachers I could have ever hoped for.
He is Yours to guide now, as I am Yours to guide too. I have no fear of being alone, for as long as I have my belief in You, there is no such thing as loneliness. Thank You for making me go through that challenge, for I know now that You have great things set out for me. I can only hope that I am strong enough in my faith to meet Your expectations.
"Ya Allah, we, your servants, are weak. We fall into ruts, we move backwards, we keep tripping instead of running, but help us keep pushing, accept our tiny actions, our little smiles, our miniscule deeds, even if they weren't performed with complete heart. Ya Allah, we are trying, and you know the sincerity of your slaves. Please help us keep pushing."
I know now what I did wrong last time. This time, I did not do it again. This time, I know what lesson I should've learned. And God help me, I will never forget it.
Thank You for easing me in a decision that I should've taken a long time ago. Thank You for taking me back under Your guidance. I pray that I will never, ever, forsake it ever again. And thank You, for teaching it to me gently, and through, literally, one of the best teachers I could have ever hoped for.
He is Yours to guide now, as I am Yours to guide too. I have no fear of being alone, for as long as I have my belief in You, there is no such thing as loneliness. Thank You for making me go through that challenge, for I know now that You have great things set out for me. I can only hope that I am strong enough in my faith to meet Your expectations.
"Ya Allah, we, your servants, are weak. We fall into ruts, we move backwards, we keep tripping instead of running, but help us keep pushing, accept our tiny actions, our little smiles, our miniscule deeds, even if they weren't performed with complete heart. Ya Allah, we are trying, and you know the sincerity of your slaves. Please help us keep pushing."
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