Ingatan Tentang Kalian - Dewi Lestari

Dalam ranah yang mereka sebut keabadian
Aku bersemayam bersama ingatan tentang kalian
Kudekap dan kuucap namamu satu demi satu
Sebelum lautan cahaya melarutkan kita dan waktu
Walau tiada aksara di sana
Walau tiada wujud yang serupa
Tanpa pernah tertukar aku menemukanmu semua
Sebagaimana engkau semua menemukanku
Empat, lima, dan enam
Berapapun banyaknya kita tersempal
Perlahan lebur menjadi tunggal
Dua, satu, dan kosong
Bersama kita lenyap menjadi tiada

Dalam ranah yang mereka sebut kehidupan,
Aku dan kalian menangis dan meregang di antara ruang
Aku dan kalian tersesat dalam belantara nama dan rupa
Masihkah kau mengenali aku?
Masihkah aku mengenalimu?
Jiwa kita tertawa dan berkata:
Berjuta kelahiran dan kematian telah kita dayakan,
Berjuta kata dan sabda telah kita ucapkan,
Berjuta wadah dan kaidah telah kita mainkan,
Hanya untuk tahu tiada kasih selain cinta
Dan tiada jalinan selain persahabatan
Meski tak terkira banyaknya nama dicipta
Meski tak terhingga rasa menjadi pembeda
Aku akan menemukanmu semua, sebagaimana engkau semua menemukanku
Sahabat, jika kita berpecah raga
Satu, jika kita memadu raga
Tiada, jika hanya jiwa

Inilah kenangan yang kucuri simpan
Saat kubersemayam dalam ranah yang mereka sebut keabadian

Inilah kenangan yang kusisipkan di sela-sela mentari dan bulan
Yang kelak mereka bisikkan saat kucari kalian
Dalam belantara yang dinamai kehidupan

Ingatan pertama dan terakhir
Yang mengikuti saat aku terlahir
Yang bersembunyi hingga kalian semua hadir
Yang menemani saat udara usai mengalir

Cinta dan sahabat
Sahabat dan cinta
Itulah jiwa yang terpecah dengan sederhana

Sisanya fana

Dedicated to the incredible inhabitants of IC-IV, but especially to Aida, Nuni, Nino, Nano, Anti, Fei, Arie, Ariq, Dani, and of course Sir Edo
Thank you for filling these past 3 years and especially these last 3 months with some of the most unforgettable moments of my life. We'll meet again in 3 more months, Insha Allah :)

My Wonderful Extended Family :)

Today was supposed to be about me devoting myself exclusively to my family, but for some reason, this family and the memories I shared with them, was the only thing on my mind for the entire day... 

"Family isn't whose blood you carry, it's who you love and who loves you."
— Jackie Chan Spy Next Door

A Lovely Lebaran

Lebaran tahun ini,

On the road ke rumah saudara, di jalanan tiba-tiba nostalgia. Ngelewatin jalur busway yang ke arah Tomang, keingat dulu pas mau iceskating+beli kado pernikahan Kak Nita di MTA. Sebenernya perjalanan pulangnya sih yang lebih berkesan. Why? Karena itu pertama kalinya gue dan kawan-kawan naik ‘busway sarden’ alias busway jam orang pulang kantor, yang saking penuhnya lo ga perlu pegangan pun ga bakal kenapa-napa; orang di kiri, kanan, depan, belakang, serong diagonal pun bakal mastiin lo ga akan jatuh. Sebelumnya ngak ada seorang pun dari kita berenam yang pernah naik busway dalam kondisi separah ini, cuma pernah denger cerita-cerita doang. Pas nyampe di dalamnya, setelah beberapa menit bertukaran tatapan-tatapan penuh horor, akhirnya pada cekakak-cekikik juga. Berenam akhirnya bikin lingkaran ato entah bentuk apa waktu itu yang berhasil kebikin, yang penting kita ga terpisah satu sama lain. Di tengah-tengah lingkaran serampangan kita, bak harta karun yang dijaga dengan taruhan nyawa, terletak bungkusan kantong plastik super besar yang berisi kado pernikahan Kak Nita. Bodo lah kita mau didorong, disikut, digencet sekalipun sama orang-orang disekitar kita, yang penting bungkusan kado tersebut tetap aman tak terjamah. Dan lebih epicnya lagi, meskipun kita dalam keadaan yang seekstrem itu, kita tetep aja bisa-bisanya masih ngobrol, ngelawak, ngegombal, bahkan main yang mainan pake jari ngangkat 1,2 itu lho, gue ga tau apa namanya, pokoknya kita yang paling heboh sendiri deh di busway itu. Seumur-umur gue belom pernah sebahagia itu padahal dalam kondisi kaki udah mau ambruk gara2 seharian dipake buat jalan+iceskating.

Lebaran tahun ini,

Dapat sms ucapan selamat lebaran dari orang yang ngak diduga. SMSnya  kayak gini: “Selamat Idul Fitri 1432 H. Semoga puasa yang sudah dijalankan sebulan ini diterima oleh Allah SWT. Amin :) “

Sekilas, SMSnya terasa cukup simple, dan sangat teramat biasa-biasa aja, apalagi kalo mengingat berlusin-lusin sms yang udah gue terima yang intinya ya gitu-gitu juga. Tapi pas gue lihat pengirimnya, jujur gue langsung shock, tapi shocknya sambil tersenyum penuh bahagia (gile ye?). Ternyata yang ngirimin sms kali ini teman gue yang seorang Kristen.  

Ga tau kenapa tapi momen-momen kayak gini nih yang selalu membekas banget di hati gue. Sampe sekarang pun gue masih ingat pas upacara bendera di SMA dulu, anak yang disamping gue seorang Kristen juga. Ga selalu dia sih, tapi biasanya dia. Selain karena anaknya emang luar biasa baik dan ramah, satu hal lagi yang bikin gue melabel dia sebagai anak yang ‘special’ bagi gue adalah setiap kali pembina upacara ato siapalah yang lagi ngomong di depan bilang “Assalmu’alaikum Wr. Wb.”, dia langsung jawab, tanpa malu-malu sedikitpun “Wa’alaikumsalam Wr. Wb.” Bahkan lebih lengkap dan jelas daripada kebanyakan anak-anak 21 lainnya yang memang beragama Islam. Dan satu hal lagi, saat doa pun dia ikutan. Pas bagian bahasa arabnya dia memang masih diam, tapi pas doanya mulai dlm bahasa Indonesia, dia ikut ngangkat tangan, dikepal di depan dada. Bukan dikepal juga sih, tapi ya cara berdoanya orang Kristen deh.

 Kadang teman-teman gue yang ngeliat hal kyk gini juga bingung dan bertanya-tanya “Kenapa mereka ga sekalian jadi Muslim aja ya kalo udah kyk gitu?” Gue juga ga pernah bisa menjawab lebih dari sekedar “Entahlah, mungkin memang belum dibukakan pintunya sama Allah SWT.” Tapi jujur, bagi gue mereka mau menghormati dan bahkan menghayati Islam sampai sejauh itu pun udah senang dan terharu luar biasa. Rasanya gue pengen nunjukin ke orang-orang yang di Barat dan Timur Tengah sana: GINI LOH SEHARUSNYA ORANG YANG BERBEDA AGAMA BERINTERAKSI.

FYI, eyang uyut gue seorang Kristen. Pas nyekar dulu, mama tetap aja bacain al-fatihah dan ayat kursi di atas makamnya..

Lebaran tahun ini,

Entah kenapa berkesan banget pas denger mama bilang kata ‘papa’. Yang dimaksud dalam konteks ini bukan papah (ayahku), tapi papa (ayahnya ibuku).

Dulu gue pernah nonton sebuah film, tentang seorang anak yang ditinggal pergi sama ayahnya. Pas mereka akhirnya dipertemukan lagi, sang anak ga henti2nya bilang kata ‘ayah’ untuk memanggil ayahnya itu. Pas ditanya sama ayahnya kenapa si anak demen banget nyebut kata ‘ayah’, dia dengan polosnya menjawab “Habis, sejak aku kehilangan ayah, aku ngak pernah bisa make kata itu lagi sih. Kangen tau selama ini nggak bisa nyebut kata ‘ayah’, padahal anak2 lain bisa kapan aja bilang ayah. Ngerti kan, ‘yah? :)”
Gue jadi kepikiran, udah berapa lama ya mama nggak bisa menggunakan kata ‘papa’ dalam konteks yang seperti itu? Apa dia juga kangen? Gue sendiri belom pernah ketemu sama alm.kakekku yang satu ini (Beliau meninggal pas mama baru berumur 6 tahun. Pagi masih sehat sentosa. Malamnya ditembak di depan RSCM sepulang praktek. Oiya, beliau seorang dokter :) ) Tapi yang gue tau, mama sekarang bisa lebih sabar dan ikhlas ngejalanin hidup dibandingin papaku. Gue rasa itu sebagian besar karena mama udah pernah ngalamin dan ngelewatin hal yang sesulit ini.

Lebaran tahun ini,

Ngeliat dua eyang sepuh bertemu. Yang satu eyang sepuh dari keluarga dekat gue (adiknya eyang gue). Beliau diuji dengan penyakit Alzheimer. Yang satunya lagi eyang sepuh dari keluarga gue juga, tapi rada jauh hubungannya. Beliau diuji dengan kaki yang sudah mulai melemah, sehingga harus bergantung pada sebuah walker, serta tangan dan bahu anak-cucunya yang selalu siap sedia di sampingnya. Nenekku bilang, udah 5 tahun kedua eyangku ini ngak pernah bertemu. Gue kaget. Bukannya mereka dengan mudahnya bisa diantarin naik mobil aja? Tapi, ternyata ngak bisa semudah itu lagi dengan umur dan kondisi mereka yang seperti itu..

Jadi seharusnya gue ngak heran kali ya, pas mereka ketemu tadi udah kayak adegan dlm sebuah film. Mereka berdua mendekat dengan langkah perlahan. Bukan karena pengen sok romantis, tapi langkah mereka yang tertatih-tatih meskipun udah ditopang anggota keluarga masing-masing memang hanya mengizinkan mereka untuk bergerak dengan kecepatan yang sebatas itu. Ketika keduanya udah cukup dekat untuk bersentuhan, eyang sepuh yang dari keluarga jauh gue mengulurkan tangannya ke bahu eyang sepuh yang dari keluarga dekat gue. Mereka memandang satu sama lain. Dan mereka terdiam. Kebayang kan ya kalo orang biasa, 5 tahun ga ketemu gitu, hebohnya bakal kyk apa pas akhirnya reunian lagi. Tapi ini nggak ada sepatah kata pun yang keluar. Saudara-saudara gue yang lain udah pada asik ngobrol lagi, tapi mereka berdua masih aja terdiam. Memandang. Dan tiba-tiba menangis. Ga ada angin, ga ada ujan, bahkan mulut pun masih belum mengeluarkan kata-kata apapun. Tapi justru dalam satu momen keheningan itu, gue merasakan seluruh perasaan bahagia, terharu, rindu, dan kasih sayang mengalir secara jelas dari kedua eyang sepuhku itu.

Lebaran tahun ini,

Orang tua, saudara, teman-teman, bahkan orang-orang yang hubungannya hanya sebatas saudara sebangsa, benar-benar memberikan sebuah pelajaran yang ngak gue duga bakal gue dapat. Masing-masing menunjukkan kepada gue contoh yang begitu nyata tentang makna sebenarnya dari sebuah cinta. Cinta yang nyata itu terwujud dalam sebuah pengorbanan yang dijalani bersama-sama, dalam keinginan untuk tetap menghormati meski banyaknya perbedaan, dalam sebuah keikhlasan untuk melepaskan, dan dalam keheningan yang lebih bermakna daripada seribu kata. Semoga gue bisa senantiasa lebih peka dengan momen-momen kecil tapi berarti, kayak gini lagi.

Old and New - Rabindranath Tagore

Thou hast made me known to friends whom I knew not.
Thou hast given me seats in homes not my own.
Thou hast brought the distant near and made a brother of the stranger.
I am uneasy at heart when I have to leave my accustomed shelter;
I forget that there abides the old in the new,
and that there also Thou abidest.
Through birth and death, in this world or in others,
wherever Thou leadest me it is Thou, the same,
the one companion of my endless life
who ever linkest my heart with bonds of joy to the unfamiliar.
When one knows Thee, then alien there is none, then no door is shut.
Oh, grant me my prayer that I may never lose
the bliss of the touch of the One
in the play of many.

Please. Allow my heart to let go of what must be gone. Even though I still have much to say, but no means to say it (both in courage and in time). For everything that You have deemed best to be known will be made known, whilst everything that You have deemed to be kept within this sanctuary of thoughts will forever remain so. I dare not ask more from You other than for guidance so that no matter where I may go, no matter how many people I have to part from, allow me the comfort of knowing the one certainty of this ephemeral life: that You in Your all encompassing Mercy and Knowledge, will always be there to guide anyone so long as they strive to stay along the path that You have so graciously laid out for them.

Kusudama in Pyjamas

This my friends, is what happens when you have a nice thick, idle stack of half-folded blue office paper, a tube of nauseatingly pungent rubber glue (read: the abominable Aica-Aibon type) and more than 4 hours of insomnia accompanied by an equally uneventful morning to follow. Apart from being another opportunity to use the "Flower-Best Shot" mode on my Exilim (I love the blurred background effect that it creates, but alas it really does work only with flowers and not so much when taking human portraits -.-) this little gem gave me around 6 to 7 hours of pretty refreshing relaxation. Oh, and if you're wondering why it took me such an atrociously long amount of time to finish this, well I suggest you look closer at the picture while keeping the following in mind: I started with 60 individually cut and folded petals, glued to make 12 sets of 5-petaled flowers, then glued together to make one stunning yet surprisingly labor-intensive origami flower ball, a.k.a kusudama.

I got the idea from - not surprisingly - a very Japanese-related source, i.e. Otomen. My friends and I were pretty much dumbfounded when we got our first glimpse of the thing (then again, a lot of the creations in this manga have always managed to stun us). Anyways, we all thought this was nigh on impossible to replicate and it was probably just some fantasy creation born out of the genius imagination of Aya Kanno, so you can imagine how surprised I was when I actually found an Instructable for this! I was going to challenge Anin to make it, since she's always been the crafty one (voted ter-kreatif sekelas gitu), but apparently my boredom got the better of me and before I knew it, I'd already started folding the first petal.

Half-started mini kusudama

I tried experimenting with blue post-its at first. Major fail. One side kept on sticking more than it should, and I couldn't even get the petal to open up right. So, I decided to turn to the less sticky, but rather over-sized blue office paper I had. This left me with a bit more work to do, since I had to tear the rectangular sheets into little squares first before I could actually fold them, but I think I got through that process pretty well. As a bonus, I got leftover sheets that I ended up folding as well to make these mini kusudamas >>>

I didn't think I'd be able to finish all this (I'm really suspecting I have at least a minor case of ADHD going on up here in my noggin, for a lack of being able to focus on anything quite sufficiently lately) but lo and behold, it turned out I had a lot more perseverance in me than I'd initially thought.

Finishing this gave me that nice feeling of satisfaction at having been at least a tad bit productive after such a weird and tiring night. I ended up dreaming about Queen Victoria for God’s sake. I’m pretty sure Will&Kate had something to do with this; them and my recent affinity for the History Channel as well -.-

*History tidbit: I found out today that Queen Victoria and King Albert were actually the ones who commissioned the building of the Crystal Palace; it was made famous for the fact that it housed England's Great Exhibition way back in the 19th century, but also because it contained a huge indoor botanical garden. So, I guess you could say this was keeping in line with the flower theme that'd been going on since yesterday.

 I really do need to do this more often. So much FUN~

Full scale kusudama. 
They're fun to hold for some reason :D

But admittedly prettier when dangling freely like this ^^

Warrior of Light - Paulo Coelho

Every warrior of light has felt afraid of going into battle.

Every warrior of light has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone.

Every warrior of light has trodden a path that was not hers.

Every warrior of light has suffered for the most trivial of reasons.

Every warrior of light has, at least once, believed that she was not a warrior of light.

Every warrior of light has failed in her spiritual duties.

Every warrior of light has said 'yes' when she wanted to say 'no'.

Every warrior of light has hurt someone she loved.

That is why she is a warrior of light, because she has been through all this and yet has never lost hope of being better than she is..

If not for Thee,
I would have been,
Another piece of driftwood out at sea
Floating listlessly, aimlessly,
A somber reminder of tragedy

But in all this pointless wandering,
For some odd reason,
I'd found contentment in that sea,
As I relished in the silken waves each time
They heaved me up to kiss the skies.

Yet for all my wave-rolling, sky-kissing fun,
My happiness slowly came undone,
For I was still a piece of driftwood out at sea,
Unsure, unimportant, unaware
That rotting was all that'd be left for me.

That was what I had been.
What I thought I'd always be.
But then, You thrust me out!
And brought me back,
Back home upon Your shore.

You took my worthless driftwood self,
And shook me straight to my core.
And You taught me,
You taught me,
That I could become MORE

So why do I still feel as though I don't deserve this?
The gentle tickle of the waves beneath me,
The attentive warmth of the sun above,
What more could I ask for really?
The sense to not be ungrateful? Definitely..

Let there be light..

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

- William Wordsworth -

 

I've been meaning to celebrate the stupendously bright blue skies we've been having lately, but really hadn't been able to find a way to do so - until today. :)

*the backdrop should've been the clear blue sky I'd been meaning to commemorate so much, but since I couldn't reach out of my balcony far enough to get clear of the awning, this shot was all I could take. No worries though, I've got plans to take more~

Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives, or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere - who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return."

(Al Baqarah: 155-156)

I need to get how much ?!?

I think I nearly choked when I saw this. Dang, I seriously need to study harder...
But on the bright side, thank God I hate accounting, haha~

Data Passing Grade beberapa Perguruan Tinggi Negeri Seluruh Indonesia
 
II. UNIVERSITAS INDONESIA (UI)

JURUSAN IPA

1. Pendidikan Dokter - - UI (59,8%)
2. Teknik Elektro - - UI (58,6%)
3. Farmasi - - UI (58,4%)
4. Teknik Kimia/TGP - - UI (57,4%)
5. Teknik Industri - - UI (54%)
6. Ilmu Komputer - - UI (52,8%)
7. Teknik Mesin - UI (52%)
8. Pendidikan Dokter Gigi - UI (51,2%)
9. Teknik Metalurgi dan Material - UI (47,4%)
10. Arsitektur - UI (47,2%)

JURUSAN IPS

1. Akuntansi - UI (63,9%)
2. Ilmu Hubungan Internasional - UI (63,1%)
3. Manajemen - UI (61%)
4. Psikologi - UI (60,6%)
5. Ilmu Komunikasi - UI (58,3%)
6. Ekonomi Pembangunan - UI (56,4%)
7. Ilmu Hukum - UI (56,2%)
8. Sastra Inggris - UI (53,8%)
9. Ilmu Administrasi Niaga - UI (52,9%)
10. Sastra Perancis - UI (50,1%)
11. Kriminologi - UI (49,6%)
12. Ilmu Administrasi Negara - UI (49%)
13. Ilmu Politik - UI (47,8%)
14. Sastra Cina - UI (47,8%)
15. Sastra Rusia - UI (46,7%
16. Ilmu Administrasi Fiskal - UI (46,6%)
17. Ilmu Filsafat - UI (46,6%)
18. Sastra Jerman - UI (46,4%)
19. Ilmu Kesejahteraan Sosial - UI (44,9%)
20. Arkeologi - UI (44,7%)
21. Sosiologi - UI (44,5%)
22. Sastra Arab - UI (43,8%)
23. Ilmu Sejarah - UI (43,2%)
24. Antropologi Sosial - UI (42%)

III. UNIVERSITAS GAJAH MADA (UGM)

JURUSAN IPA

1. Pendidikan Dokter - UGM (59,3%)
2. Teknik Elektro - UGM (57,4%)
3. Ilmu Komputer - UGM (56,5%)
4. Teknik Kimia - UGM (54,8%)
5. Arsitektur - UGM (51,4%)
6. Teknik Mesin - UGM (51,4%)
7. Pendidikan Dokter Gigi - UGM (50%)
8. Biologi - UGM (47,2%)

JURUSAN IPS

1. Akuntansi - UGM (62,1%)
2. Psikologi - UGM (58,7%)
3. Ilmu Hubungan Internasional - UGM (58,5%)
4. Manajemen - UGM (57,9%)
5. Ilmu Komunikasi - UGM (57,4%)
6. Sastra Inggris - UGM (56,6%)
7. Eko. dan Studi Pembangunan - UGM (55,6%)
8. Ilmu Hukum - UGM (54,1%)
9. Ilmu Administrasi Negara - UGM (50,5%)
10. Ilmu Pemerintahan - UGM (50,4%)
11. Sastra Jepang - UGM (50%)
12. Sastra Perancis - UGM (47,1%)

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

Oh, and one more post. I've been madly in love with this song for days now. I'm actually considering it for my Seni Musik practicals, but those high notes are making me a tad reluctant. Anyways, enjoy~

Gurgle-mumblings..

My English sucks! Hahaa, I’ve heard of the saying ‘If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it’ but I wasn’t expecting it to be this bad -.-

I was talking with this educational consultant from Thailand today and for the sake of convenience, we ended up conversing in English since she seemed not to be too fluent in Indonesian and I obviously being unable to speak a word of Thai (that squiggly worm language is rather on the bottom of my need-to-learn list). But lo and behold, it turned out to be so hard for me to actually speak right. I knew what I wanted to say, and I had the sentences perfectly formulated in my mind but for some reason, when I spoke them out loud it all seemed like an incoherent slur. I swear, if that Thai lady was a police officer and she’d stopped me on the highway at night she probably would’ve arrested me for DUI just after hearing me talk.  I don’t know what happened, but I remember that the whole time I was talking with her I was screaming in my mind “Dude, what the hell are you saying??”

For some reason, the lady still ended up complimenting me and told me that my English was ‘very good’ (typical Eastern courtesy I guess) even though I’m pretty sure she wasn’t able to understand half of what I was saying thanks to my surprisingly atrocious pronunciation.

It was today’s incident that made me realize just how badly I need someone to talk to (in English that is). Nina was a huge help for me when she was here, since she was one of the very few people I could talk to without having to worry about her thinking of me as being a showoff. But now, being all the way in Bandung and only returning once every couple of weekends, I guess it’s no surprise my spoken English has deteriorated to this extent T_T

Oh and btw, there’s an Education Expo at JCC till the 6^th of February for anyone that’s interested. Admission's free and it's filled with loads of PTN&PTS from all around Indo (worth checking out if you’re looking for second or third choice universities apart from your main choice). Ah, and I actually got to speak with a guy from the SNMPTN committee, and it turns out that.. they accept A levels as well~ gyahaha, my mind was off in happy-dance land when I heard him say that. Actually, I’d wanted to break out into a mini cabbage patch dance but I thought better not to; that guy could’ve been a member of the selection committee for all I knew, and I don’t think a public display of unwarranted body flailing would’ve been regarded as qualities that they were looking for in a SNMPTN undangan candidate. 

Anyways, I'm totally psyched now since it seems that I may actually have a fighting chance to get into HI-UI or UNPAD, or UGM, whichever. 

Ya Allah, ease me on the path that You have destined to be the best for me. Amiin.

"You can feel the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain-- no matter how smart or accomplished--they cry, they yearn, they hurt. But instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where I should have been looking, too. Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love and a peaceful heart."
- Mitch Albom

Blizzard..

What happens to thoughts unspoken?
To sentences never written?
In naivety I once believed, they'd just pass by
Lingering briefly, then forgotten

But how wrong was I..
Hah. How damn naive!
Though seemingly ephemeral like flakes of snow,
In gradual numbers they'll continue to grow
And grow..
And grow..

Until pile upon pile has filled this body, mind, and soul.

Leaving both actions and emotions,
To lose the power to live at all
And start to rot like the leaves of Fall.

Until pile upon pile has frozen this body, mind, and soul.

And yet,
I dare not let them melt.
Not now. Please, not just yet.

For I fear that pile upon pile will drown this body, mind, and soul.
And yours as well...

Alhamdulillah ^-^

Ketika Allah Swt. menciptakan Adam as. yang rencananya akan ditempatkan di muka bumi, para malaikat bertanya kepada Allah Swt. Mampukah manusia menempati bumi itu? Pasalnya, ketika itu bumi masih berputar tidak pada porosnya, bergerak tanpa arah. Terjadilah dialog menarik:
Allah Swt: Aku akan menjadikan gunung.
Ketika gunung jadi, maka bumi menjadi tenang, bergerak pada posisi yang tetap.. Para Malaikat menjadi heran menyaksikan betapa kuatnya gunung yang menjadi pasak bumi.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari gunung?
Allah Swt..: Ada, yaitu besi.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari besi?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu api.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari api?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu air.
Malaikat: Adakah yang lebih kuat dari air?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu angin.
Malaikat: Masih adakah yang lebih kuat dari angin?
Allah Swt: Ada, yaitu doa.

Never, ever underestimate the power of prayer. I did. The result: nearly 4 months of being haunted by perpetually agonizing uncertainty and fear of taking the wrong path for my life.

But then, yesterday, after finally deciding to take 3 minutes of my time to devote myself to a simple istikharah prayer, everything has finally cleared up. I understand now that all of those other options that I had passed up and lamented as being 'lost opportunities' were nothing more than simple tests to see just how much I would still be able to keep my faith in Allah SWT, All Knowing, All Wise and allow Him to guide me to the best path for me to take. I understand that I am and can continue to be good enough to be accepted at universities abroad, but spending a bit more time here by going to a national university is far more important as I'll finally be able to discover for myself just how I can be of use here; knowledge and understanding of such I wouldn't be able to obtain anywhere else, no matter how high the world university ranking. And finally - perhaps most importantly as well - I finally know what major to take ^^

I know there's still a long path ahead of me, and there will be countless thorns and brambles that will try to hinder my way, but at least now I won't have to go through all that with an inner conflict raging within me as well. So, hopefully, now that I'm free of my doubts and despairs, I'll finally be able to put 110% of my focus on setting down my first few baby steps (correction, adult steps) toward this exhilarating if admittedly rather unfamiliar new turn in the road of my life.

On a lighter note,

~HAPPY DANCE~

 for finally being able to know the solution to one of the most dizzying dilemmas I've ever encountered

*hopefully there will be another 'happy dance' worthy post sometime around May/July when I've finally confirmed the passing of my UN and my acceptance at FEB-UGM. Amiin. ^^

Dream Deferred - Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode? 

My dream. Deferred for now, but by no means denied forever..

Hope all these fish won't be crusted and sugared over (read: served up in a restaurant someplace) by the time I've gotten the chance to finally be amongst them :D

*additional anecdote: in a somewhat unrelated snippet to the post above, i just gotta say LP's The Catalyst has been stuck in my head all day today. Haha, i remember how much i hated this song for making themselves sound like they'd succumbed to the techie, electro-dance wave, but now.. what's it called? ah yes, KARMA -.-

One lyric I do love though: "where oceans bleed into the sky" haa... now wouldn't that be awesome? the beauty of the underwater world made accessible to all of us meager landlubbers ^^

Literary Liberation

Writing for me is like an anchor. It's what allows the flimsy, tumultuous boat that is my mind to remain safely tethered when trying to ride out life's tempestuous storms. The problem is that sometimes - actually, exceedingly often lately - the chain of thoughts that form the essence of this belletristic ballast can be frustratingly fragile. Sometimes, I even feel as though my thought process is much like someone taking a smoke. The cigarette is the book from which I inhale every molecule of information I can manage. Most of these substances tend to remain within me, eventually accumulating to near fatal levels and slowly poisoning every inch of my mind. After a while though, a lucky little group of molecules will be exhaled again in the form of a more coherent puff of smoke. But that presents a problem too, because a puff is all that they ever are. Ephemeral and easily disintegrated. So easily disintegrated.           

Oddly enough, my love affair with the books that are the fuel for my writing isn't a wholly beneficial one either. I've spent so much time with these conveniently compacted thoughts/portals to other worlds/silhouettes of other people that I'm starting to feel that they're the only things I can be comfortable with anymore. And how couldn't I? They are my source of literally everything, allowing my mind and soul to feast on the banquet of information that they always have ready and waiting, and yet never asking for anything in return.
 
Unfortunately though, I'm starting to realize that I've started to interact with people the same way that I interact with these books. And of course that's a problem because people, unlike their silhouettes, are always infinitely more complex and demanding; this could explain why I feel I'm so closed to other people most of the time. The thing is, the whole point of reading is to discover things that you hadn't known before, right? So most of the time you automatically put yourself In the mindset that the book, i.e. the other person, is the one that has the more valuable treasure trove of information, so you don't really feel the need to present your own possibly inferior thoughts. Get what I'm saying?  
   
But I don't know, is this all really because of some misguided episode of socialization, or have I simply become a lazy, introverted egoist? To be quite honest, I'm kinda gravitating towards the latter. But whatever the reason, I know that I need to change this particular habit. Sometime. Somehow. Preferably soon, I know.

The Pencil - Paulo Coelho

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point he asked:

‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done? Is it a story about me?’
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I’m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.’

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn’t seem very special.
‘But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!’

‘That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.’

‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.’

‘Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpner. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.

‘Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.’

‘Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.’

‘Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action’

guess where?

Here's a hint...

Amazing isn't it? :)