Let me be.

Sometimes you need to disconnect from the world. Detach all of the wireless wires connecting you to the infinte flow of information, silence all notifications of supposedly important events, and just reconcile with the silence and stagnance of nothingness. That blissful place where time seems to stop and you are neither rushing towards something nor leaving anything behind. You simply are there. Present. Somewhere in that other dimension where time and space are not passing you by like a vortex.

No sé que estoy haciendo, lol

Hoy fui a mi universidad con mi amiga. Yo no tenia nada para hacer, solo quería ir allá para encontrar con mi amiga para comprar un libro para mi facultad. No me gusta el docente que nos ordenó a comprar el libro, pero qué puedo hacer? Es obligatorio. Bueno, cuando llegamos a nuestro facultad, mi amiga llamó a alguien que estaba cerca. Resulta que la persona que ella llamó fue alguien que hace mucho tiempo me gusta. No voy a decir su nombre, pero creo que ya sabe bien quien es. Pero ahora él ya esta en una relación con uno de mis mejores amigas de secundaria. A veces, todavía siento un poco tímida en frente de el, pero ahora no tanto como antes. Todavía estamos amigos y podemos hablar normalmente como colegas del clase y por eso estoy feliz. No sé porque estoy escribiendo esto aquí pero solo quería contarla a alguien o alguna cosa.

Si, eso es todo. Bueno, también quería ver si mi español ya esta suficiente para escribir, y resulta que si. Jaja. Me alegro.

Final-Year Fears

It's frightening me how much uncertainty I'm facing at the moment. The feeling of having so many choices yet none at all at the same time. For a person that writes out a daily to-do list of things that needs to be done within the course of each day, I am terrified by the fact that I cannot do the same with my long-term future plans, especially those concerning my career and education.  

I feel like I've become my own worst enemy, my own harshest critic. I have to repeatedly remind myself that I have achieved great things in the past. I say this not in arrogance but with utmost humility. As in writing this I have nothing but hesitation in my fingers, their fearful nature almost stopping me in my recognition of my own greatness. Why am I doing this? Because I constantly feel that I am not good enough. I feel that I have made no significant contribution. No significant advancement to my skills nor to my employability if that is even a word. I feel that every major accomplishment that I've achieved so far has been due to the influence of my father, a figure who I deeply respect and admire but under whose shadow I constantly feel burdened by. Like the moon, I am not my own person, I am merely a reflection of the greatness of this man. I do not like to admit it, because it makes me forget all of the accomplishments that I was able to achieve of my own accord. And it makes me doubt the skills that I do have right now. 

What troubles me now is that I know I have my skills, my potentials, yet lately it's been so hard to find opportunities for me to exercise them freely, to let others know that yes I can do this and I can do that. What I am devoid of right now is opportunity. And the courage to pursue opportunities when they do come. Please God, give me a chance to show others what I can do. Not just for my own sake but also for the sake of being able to fulfil my task in this world. For the thing that I fear for the most is still the thought of having lived in vain, of having lived a life that was worthless and unremarkable. 

Insomnia

With head pressed half in pain,
but eyes still far from closing,
I opened my ears to the midnight refrain
of a million cicadas composing.
And hoped with hope that was almost in vain,
that my body would soon be dozing...

Found this gem on one of HONY's photo comments

Life, summarized in one concisely powerful paragraph:

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

- Maya Angelou

This whole week has been filled with a lot of 'I wish's.
I wish we didn't have to end this way.
I wish you would still want to fight for us.
I wish you hadn't made all those promises to me.
I wish we had never met.

I still feel myself as being quite fragile after all this. I've been trying, very very hard to put this all past me. But, this is honestly a first for me, so I guess it'll take a bit longer to get used to. But no matter how much my mind wraps itself around thoughts of you and us and how we could've been, my heart in all its calmness thankfully keeps reassuring me that I'm doing the right thing. It wouldn't be called a challenge if it wasn't physically and emotionally draining like this. So, I know that this sacrifice is something that I need to go through.

Ya Rabb, I surrender my heart to you. I pray for You to never let me waste a single moment of my time with negative thoughts. I pray for You to give me the strength to focus on the great things You have sent me to do. And I pray for You to never let me stray from Your path. For there truly is nothing I fear more than that..

Wise Words From an Old Friend :)

Moving On

You see, moving on is not about forgetting what's keeping you. It's to get rid of ill feelings that attached to it. So if you had a boyfriend and want to move on, you don't forget about him. You lose feelings you associate with him--feelings thatshouldn't be there anymore. If you had a bad grade and you want to move on, you don't burn them down. You get rid of the grief and sadness and do better next time. If you were left behind and you want to move on, you don't erase traces of them.

I do too.

I am not forgetting, okay? I won't.

Moving on is not about not keeping pictures anymore, nor not telling stories about stuffs you want to move on from. It's not about pretending that nothing has changed either because things changed and it will always change--it's inevitable.

Moving on, for me, is not about stop loving, or missing, or remembering things that are nice or bad.
Moving on is knowing things changed and being fine with it.

And moving on has nothing to do with replacing things with other things. Or replacing people with other people.

Places in heart are special and they don't take second guests. There are no places in heart that are reserved for two (or three. Or four.). Once it's there then it's there forever. Fortunately, heart is a very vast place and it will always make room for new things and new people.


So move on.

Don't try to replace things because it's not going to work. And don't try to take up someone else's space in one's heart because they were never for you.

You got your own.

Credits to: http://ranikuncipohon.blogspot.com/2013/12/moving-on.html