Final-Year Fears

It's frightening me how much uncertainty I'm facing at the moment. The feeling of having so many choices yet none at all at the same time. For a person that writes out a daily to-do list of things that needs to be done within the course of each day, I am terrified by the fact that I cannot do the same with my long-term future plans, especially those concerning my career and education.  

I feel like I've become my own worst enemy, my own harshest critic. I have to repeatedly remind myself that I have achieved great things in the past. I say this not in arrogance but with utmost humility. As in writing this I have nothing but hesitation in my fingers, their fearful nature almost stopping me in my recognition of my own greatness. Why am I doing this? Because I constantly feel that I am not good enough. I feel that I have made no significant contribution. No significant advancement to my skills nor to my employability if that is even a word. I feel that every major accomplishment that I've achieved so far has been due to the influence of my father, a figure who I deeply respect and admire but under whose shadow I constantly feel burdened by. Like the moon, I am not my own person, I am merely a reflection of the greatness of this man. I do not like to admit it, because it makes me forget all of the accomplishments that I was able to achieve of my own accord. And it makes me doubt the skills that I do have right now. 

What troubles me now is that I know I have my skills, my potentials, yet lately it's been so hard to find opportunities for me to exercise them freely, to let others know that yes I can do this and I can do that. What I am devoid of right now is opportunity. And the courage to pursue opportunities when they do come. Please God, give me a chance to show others what I can do. Not just for my own sake but also for the sake of being able to fulfil my task in this world. For the thing that I fear for the most is still the thought of having lived in vain, of having lived a life that was worthless and unremarkable. 

Insomnia

With head pressed half in pain,
but eyes still far from closing,
I opened my ears to the midnight refrain
of a million cicadas composing.
And hoped with hope that was almost in vain,
that my body would soon be dozing...

Found this gem on one of HONY's photo comments

Life, summarized in one concisely powerful paragraph:

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

- Maya Angelou

This whole week has been filled with a lot of 'I wish's.
I wish we didn't have to end this way.
I wish you would still want to fight for us.
I wish you hadn't made all those promises to me.
I wish we had never met.

I still feel myself as being quite fragile after all this. I've been trying, very very hard to put this all past me. But, this is honestly a first for me, so I guess it'll take a bit longer to get used to. But no matter how much my mind wraps itself around thoughts of you and us and how we could've been, my heart in all its calmness thankfully keeps reassuring me that I'm doing the right thing. It wouldn't be called a challenge if it wasn't physically and emotionally draining like this. So, I know that this sacrifice is something that I need to go through.

Ya Rabb, I surrender my heart to you. I pray for You to never let me waste a single moment of my time with negative thoughts. I pray for You to give me the strength to focus on the great things You have sent me to do. And I pray for You to never let me stray from Your path. For there truly is nothing I fear more than that..

Wise Words From an Old Friend :)

Moving On

You see, moving on is not about forgetting what's keeping you. It's to get rid of ill feelings that attached to it. So if you had a boyfriend and want to move on, you don't forget about him. You lose feelings you associate with him--feelings thatshouldn't be there anymore. If you had a bad grade and you want to move on, you don't burn them down. You get rid of the grief and sadness and do better next time. If you were left behind and you want to move on, you don't erase traces of them.

I do too.

I am not forgetting, okay? I won't.

Moving on is not about not keeping pictures anymore, nor not telling stories about stuffs you want to move on from. It's not about pretending that nothing has changed either because things changed and it will always change--it's inevitable.

Moving on, for me, is not about stop loving, or missing, or remembering things that are nice or bad.
Moving on is knowing things changed and being fine with it.

And moving on has nothing to do with replacing things with other things. Or replacing people with other people.

Places in heart are special and they don't take second guests. There are no places in heart that are reserved for two (or three. Or four.). Once it's there then it's there forever. Fortunately, heart is a very vast place and it will always make room for new things and new people.


So move on.

Don't try to replace things because it's not going to work. And don't try to take up someone else's space in one's heart because they were never for you.

You got your own.

Credits to: http://ranikuncipohon.blogspot.com/2013/12/moving-on.html

Fight, Flight, or Forget?

I learned something new about myself today, whenever I'm in an emotionally overwhelming situation I have the tendency to shut down. It's as if all of my sensory abilities go numb and anything vaguely resembling emotions fail to register on my mind. This is what happened to me yesterday, when I got the news, a million different feelings came bubbling up to the surface at once: anger, sadness, surprise, pain, everything. But then, in the span of what felt like only 5 seconds, it stopped. It didn't dissipate, or diminish, or decrease in any gradual way, it just stopped. If I was a soda bottle being shaken up, I'd say it was like I not only held the cap closed to prevent the bottle exploding, but I somehow made the all the pressure inside it disappear, because what I felt after that and still feel now is just a serene calmness. I'm not sure where I learned to develop this kind of self-preservation mechanism, but frankly I don't really care, I'm just grateful that I did.

It still surprises me though how easily I'm getting through all this. I'm not even flinching when I see his face or name any more, but I know that I'm just skirting the feelings. I can still feel it. It's like walking on a fragile icy pond that you know you can plunge into at any given moment where the ice is thinnest. To put it in the same analogy, I've been skating carefully, tentatively. It's made me slow yes, and somewhat absent-minded at times, but the important thing is I haven't fallen through, and I intend to keep it that way.

3..2..1..

23/11/2013

Haven't talked to you since Thursday now. Kinda regret not being at home to chat with you that night, HI Corner wasn't really that worth it. I wanna send you another message, ask how you're doing, but I keep being torn whether it'd be the right thing to do or not. Maybe this is God's way of pushing us apart. Maybe we weren't meant to be. It hurts, this uncertainty. And what's killing me the most is that I don't know why you haven't replied to my previous messages. I promised I wouldn't disappear on you. I hope you won't do it to me. I've always had the tendency to take love for granted, perhaps because people have always so willingly given it to me. I know now how much it hurts to not have that love returned in full at a time when I want it to be. Thank you for teaching me this, I needed this lesson.

24/11/2013

On the bus to Jakarta now, the AEON 2013 welcoming party is tonight, I'm going with Ucup and Male. Kinda reluctant to go on Primajasa now ever since that last time we said goodbye. That was definitely one of the worst bus rides I'd ever had. I didn't even cry that much when my grandfather died.
It's been two months now and I think both of us have gotten over what people call the 'honeymoon' stage. We're finally starting to question ourselves whether or not we are each other's destined path.
It's funny you know, your circumstances are exactly like mine when I was in high school. 3 people. 1 friend, 1 significant other, and 1 who loved unconditionally albeit as confused as you are. Normally, I think I should be mad. Mad because it seems like you're placing me as a last resort, someone you can fall back on cause everyone else has rejected. And yet, surprisingly I'm not mad at all. I'm not sure if my lack of emotion proves my calmness and maturity in dealing with this or if this is simply a numbing reflex I've adapted to cope with the pain I know I'm supposed to feel.
Writing is helping though, so thank you for inspiring me with the idea. Seems like love really is a drug, and addiction is just inevitable. That's why it hurst so much whenever I lose contact with you for so long, it's like I'm detoxing my heart.

Found one of Lang Leav's poems that describes precisely how I feel. Perhaps we both were each other's angels sent to teach something or help at a perilous time: you through your conversion to Islam and me through my grandpa's death. Perhaps this is why it's so easy for me to let you go, because I know you've fulfilled your purpose as I have mine. And though it saddens me that we will be strangers once more, you always will be among the sweetest of memories in my heart.

25/11/2013
The End.
It's official. For now at least :)
Yesterday's AEON reunion taught me something very valuable: goodbyes aren't always forever.
See how beautifully and perfectly God plans everything? He never lets you go until you're really really ready. I wasn't ready before. But after last night, I became ready, and now I'm not afraid. I'm not sad or depressed or anything I should be feeling considering my current situation. I am letting go wholeheartedly this time, no more going back, and I am jotting down now all the lessons I've learned from you:
I've learned the power of prayer.
I've learned to trust in God's love.
I've learned to never make promises I can't keep.
I've learned to be grateful of the love I receive.
And I've learned about the kind of love that I deserve: one that never seeks to change me but will always be proud of the real me, even in all my silences. But most importantly, one that will be able to guide me to His Heaven. Now that I know there are people like you, I will never settle for anything less.
My prayers for you will still be the same: I pray for God to reunite us if that is His will, but if not then I pray for Him to guide and protect you in His neverending grace, and to give you someone who can continue to guide you in Islam.