I. Want. This. Book. Aah...

Dear Mr./Mrs.whoever is in charge of the stocking of books in Periplus, Kinokuniya, or Gramedia,
Please, please, pleasee be benevolent and sensible enough to bring this book to Indonesian shelves..

And although I haven't read this book (yet) I'd just like to convey a silent 'Thank You' to Mr.Deepak Chopra, for making a book like this available first and foremost in a country where "less than a third know that most people in Indonesia--the world's most populous Muslim nation--are, in fact, Muslim." Okay, so the book won't actually open anyone's eyes to this fact (though it'd be nice if people from the western world actually started realizing that we Indonesian Muslims exist, and all 202.9 million of us have lived relatively peaceful lives here with our fellow citizens that believe in other faiths) but my point is that in a place where so many people still know so little and fear so much about this religion, it's the perfect gateway to finally get some understanding about at least one the many aspects of our faith: The Beloved Prophet Muhammad (may peace and blessings be upon him).

Oh, and I just got an excerpt (it's just the author's note and prelude actually) from the book right here.
Just makes me want to read it even more..

Incoherently Illiterate

Neither rhyme nor reason will lend me a hand,
My usual prose behaving like a handful of sand,
In this turmoil of frustration,
Sorrow,
Anger,
Joy,
And fear
The more I think life is trying to harvest my tears..

In this silence I am agonized,
Yet in my speech I am stunted,
So what refuge is there left
For this hunter that has become hunted?

My instincts are screaming
Find a cave now you fool!
Then hide and stay hidden
That's always been your best tool..

Yet here I still stand,
Neither a flicker in my eyes,
Nor a word on my lips
Left in this corpse of my despicable disguise..

what's the point?

“Rafael hanya bisa geleng-geleng kepala. Hati pribumi yang dia temui mungkin berbeda, tetapi otak mereka sama: tolol. Tidak memiliki hasrat dan rasa ingin tahu yang besar sebagaimana manusia dari peradaban maju seperti dirinya.”

E.S. Ito, Rahasia Meede

Kita adalah bangsa yang pasif. Bangsa yang terlalu sering mengelu-elukan kata ‘kemerdekaan’ persis karena kondisi itulah yang masih belum bisa kita capai hingga saat ini. Bangsa yang tidak hanya kalah sebelum perang, tetapi justru bersantai-santai di kemahnya sembari bermain-main dengan senjata yang dimilikinya. Bangsa yang terlalu mudah dipuaskan dengan pencapaian seadanya sehingga tidak ada sebersit pun rasa ingin lebih maju daripada yang lain. Bangsa yang anak-anaknya bahkan tidak pernah didorong untuk bertanya, berdiskusi, berdebat, ataupun mengutarakan pendapatnya sendiri karena telah dicekoki peraturan bahwa setiap jawaban adalah mutlak dan hanya bisa bersumber dari serangkaian pilihan-pilihan yang sudah ditentukan oleh segelintir orang-orang terpilih, sehingga ide-ide innovatif khas para kaum muda yang menjadi penggerak kemajuan bangsa-bangsa lain, justru diabaikan tanpa pertimbangan sesaat pun. Mungkin ini memang nasib para pemuda-pemudi Indonesia. Kami para pewaris negara yang bagaikan mobil tak berisi bensin ini; asalkan masih bisa memenuhi fungsi sebagai tempat berlindung, kami tidak akan peduli apakah mobil ini bisa jalan atau tidak, toh semuanya nampak sama bagi kami.

Entah kenapa hari ini lagi rada nasionalis gini. Mungkin efek dari baca novel Indo untuk pertama kalinya? Can’t say for sure really. Tapi lama-lama emang prihatin sih. Indonesia emang negara yang berkembang, tapi adatnya masih kayak orang terbelakang. Liat aja, fasilitas umum kita mana ada yang tahan lebih dari setahun? Tempat sampah udah di depan mata tapi masih aja buang sampah sembarangan. Seperti yang ibuku sering bilang, "Mental negara maju, itu yang masih belum kita punya.”

It’s true that we’re not supposed to be too absorbed with the riches of this world – being a Muslim, this is a very familiar concept for me that’s quite frequently stressed upon in the Qur’an – but that doesn’t mean that we should sell every last handful of this land we supposedly call our nation into foreign hands; I wouldn’t even call it selling really, since what we receive in payment is nowhere near to the value of what we have given to these gold-adorned thieves. Besides, I don’t think it really fulfills the purpose of staying away from materialistic desires if this all too philanthropic act of giving away our invaluable resources – both natural and human – is actually forcing our citizens to have to strive even harder just to make enough to live. I mean think about it, if we’re letting go of all these resources that should’ve been meant to ensure the welfare of our citizens, then that means they’ll just be more forced to look for money in other, less convenient places. In some of the more fatal cases, most of them will end up being directors or ministers in charge of the fundamental building blocks of our society. But they will not do so because they have an undying passion to pursue the nation’s interest in that certain field they are responsible for. Most will simply do it is a means of putting rice on the table. And so it is that this great nation of ours is left devoid of leaders with any will to bring any significant development to this country. 

I realize that there have been others who have brought this issue to light in more elaborate and eloquent expositions than mine, but for some reason much still hasn’t changed. For what it’s worth, at least this writing can become a reminder for me that this nation needs me more than ever. Needs all of us more than ever. And if not that, then paling nggak hari ini sudah bisa lebih produktif karena tidak diselimuti pusing dan demam lagi. Maaf bagi semua yang terkena imbas mood burukku kemarin..

*note to self: Indoglishnya semakin parah ini sih -_-

my daily omen

"So The Miner's structured very differently from, say, Soseki's Sanshiro, your typical modern bildungsroman?

I nod. "I don't know about that, but you might be right. Sanshiro grows up in the story. Runs into obstacles, ponders things, overcomes difficulties, right? But the hero of The Miner's different. All he does is watch things happen and accept it all. I mean, every now and again he gives his own opinions, but nothing very deep. Instead, he just broods over his love affair. He comes out of the mine pretty much the same as he went in. He has no sense that it was something he decided to do himself, or that he had a choice. He's.... totally passive."

- Haruki Murakami

*stumbled upon this passage while reading Kafka on The Shore this morning, and for some reason, it felt like a slap in the face... I hope I'll finally be able to wake up after this..

Rasulullah bersabda dalam hadits yang diriwayatkan dari Anas bin Malik :

“Tiga hal yang barangsiapa ketiganya ada pada dirinya, niscaya dia akan mendapatkan manisnya iman. Hendaklah Allah dan Rasul-Nya lebih ia cintai daripada selain keduanya, dan hendaklah dia mencintai seseorang dan tidaklah dia mencintainya melainkan karena Allah, dan hendaklah dia benci untuk kembali kepada kekufuran setelah Allah selamatkan dia dari kekufuran itu sebagaimana dia benci untuk dilemparkan ke dalam neraka.” (HR. Al-Bukhari no. 16 dan Muslim no. 43)

Ibnul Qayyim mengatakan bahwa di antara sebab-sebab adanya cinta (kepada Allah) ada sepuluh perkara:

Pertama, membaca Al Qur’an, menggali, dan memahami makna-maknanya serta apa yang dimaukannya.
Kedua, mendekatkan diri kepada Allah dengan amalan-amalan sunnah setelah amalan wajib.
Ketiga, terus-menerus berdzikir dalam setiap keadaan.
Keempat, mengutamakan kecintaan Allah di atas kecintaanmu ketika bergejolaknya nafsu.
Kelima, hati yang selalu menggali nama-nama dan sifat-sifat Allah, menyaksikan dan mengetahuinya.
Keenam, menyaksikan kebaikan-kebaikan Allah dan segala nikmat-Nya.
Ketujuh, tunduknya hati di hadapan Allah .
Kedelapan, berkhalwat (menyendiri dalam bermunajat) bersama-Nya ketika Allah turun (ke langit dunia).
Kesembilan, duduk bersama orang-orang yang memiliki sifat cinta dan jujur.
Kesepuluh, menjauhkan segala sebab-sebab yang akan menghalangi hati dari Allah . (Madarijus Salikin, 3/18, dengan ringkas)

death.

I am a thief in the dark of night,
A passerby unwanted by many
But in one lone house emanating plight,
I found one who welcomed my entry

Curious, I stepped inside
And found an altar ready and waiting
But before I could stop what was to come
I became witness to a scene most dismaying..

A life taken before its time
An action done by many
Too weak to hold on at its time of decline
It chose to take the path most easy

A life taken before its time
Still much to do and say and feel
Yet gone before its prime
Leaving countless wounds to heal

A life taken before its time
I hope you do not do the same my friend
I beg of you,
Please, just hold on..

*dedicated to my best friend's best friend, who chose to leave this world before she had to.. Be strong Jiji..

A Life Abandoned

Beneath the glimmer of a naked bulb,
Within the embrace of the cold night's air,
He lives.

Under the shadow of another,
Huddled inside a paper-thin layer,
He lives.

With hands worn out,
With shirt in tatters,
With all hope gone,
With companions forgotten,
And still, he lives...

*found this bit of poetry after my stint of rummaging through my paper-filled cabinets yesterday. wrote it way back in tenth grade ESL where it was supposed to be based on a photograph that Emily gave us from the newspaper; mine was about a homeless guy wrapped up in front of a hotel in Brazil, but since i don't have access to a scanner, i just ended up taking a photo off Google (couldn't find the same, exact one, but it's close enough). just thought it'd be nice to share.

Soliloquy no.2

"Ya Allah, if this is really what You have decided is best for me, then ease me in doing so."

This sentence has flown from my lips so many times now I've lost count. I've whispered it before taking the Ruthin School scholarship test, before the provincial selections for the Economics Olympiad, and during the 30 seconds of prayer time before each and every one of the Oct/Nov Cambridge exams last month. For most of these occasions, the only reason that I said these words were mostly because I was at a point where I felt I'd done all that I could do and I'd just be grateful for whatever outcome He had already planned for me. But every time, there was always a small tremor of hope that accompanied these words as I said them. A hope that I'd actually be successful in whatever it was I was doing at that moment (and on one quite notable occasion, my hopes were actually realized)

Pas seleksi OSK ekonomi, gue juga berdoa kayak gini. Tapi waktu itu, gue juga sempat nambahin "kalau bidang ini ternyata memang yang telah Engkau takdirkan untukku, maka izinkan aku untuk lolos dari seleksi kali ini." Dan ternyata.. ta-da! gue lolos. Berarti, mungkin meskipun selama ini gue selalu ngerasa udah salah milih jurusan dan seharusnya jadi anak IPA aja, sepertinya Tuhan memang udah nentuin kalo gue ini emang lebih baik jadi anak IPS (meskipun gue ngak lolos seleksi OSPnya). And to be fair, I don't really regret being a student of Humanities that much (not that I could really change disciplines in the middle of the school year). But I have met a lot of inspiring people in this discipline. People who love the exhilarating and malleable world of the social sciences so much they've sought ways above and beyond what is required of them as students to completely immerse themselves in these worlds before they're even required to do so. And that's kind of what has given me the determination to realize my own dreams with as much passion and fervor as I have now.

So, I don't know.. Before, I'd been really hoping for a second chance to get into the wonderful world of science once I get to college, but it turns out my parents have other expectations for me. And I have to admit, I have been asking God for Him to show me the best path for me to take. So, this just might be His way of answering..

So now it's down to either International Relations or Management for me. Which path I'll take out of these two I still don't know. What I do know is that I've got a dream that I still want to fulfill, and having to start it in a different way to what I'd previously planned doesn't mean that I have to give up on it completely. Not while I can still try. Bismillah..

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." -Jimmy Dean

Soliloquy no.1

A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.

Kahlil Gibran

Perhaps this is why I'm not really that crazy about studying in places like NTU and the like, where everything just seems to be revolved around how much you know and how high your grades are. No intention to brag, but I think I've had more than my fair share of good grades so far and honestly, the only thing I think I've really gotten from them is the frustration of not knowing. Ironic? Not really. In fact, I think it's actually something to be expected. I mean think about it, what is it that you do to get good grades? Most of you idealists (and somewhat malay folk) would probably say: study lah. But seriously, at the end of the day how much of all of those pages and pages of bullet-pointed facts and explanations actually stick in our minds? Can't find an answer to that? Well think about this too: how much of it do we actually use? Like directly in our lives?

So much of us are just so obsessed with aiming for a quantitative result from our studies that we often forget to take into account the qualitative part, i.e. good grades vs. good understanding. Sure good grades are something we have to aim for, but they should be more like something of a by-product of the efforts that we've made, rather than being our final goal. They should be what lets us know that the energy we have expended in putting together all of those informational substrates have successfully transformed themselves into a far more useful and coherent end product: the ability to understand and apply the knowledge we have learned. So where have my good grades gotten me so far? Currently, it's gotten me a place (well, actually 3 places) for my name and photograph to be hung under the heading 'Congratulations on your excellent achievement!' on the 4th floor bulletin board for the IC students at my school. So is this what I want? Hah. You might as well be asking me whether or not I'd want to use fishing line for my shoe laces - kind of a cool idea now that I've thought about it - but that's exactly my point: it's cool, but useless.

I have my last Cambridge exam paper tomorrow (thank God!) and that's really what kind of got me started thinking about all this. Being the workaholic that I am, I've been studying like crazy in preparation for these exams (these past few weeks being especially hectic) and because of all this, I haven't really had time to do much of anything else. A mountain of half-read novels was (and is still) piling up in my bedside table because I simply never have a chance to read them properly to the end. For 5 days out of 7 my life consisted of eating, sleeping and studying both at school and at home (yes I slept at school too). Even going on a bike ride to the Alfamart near my house was like a vacation in and of itself for me. And there's been more than a couple of moments when this situation I was in had almost pushed me so far as to the brink of simply giving up on everything right then and there.

Thankfully, I've managed to hold on, as well as stay sane throughout this whole ordeal. Knowing me, I'll probably forget a large part of what I've learned perhaps even as quickly as the end of next month. But if there's one good thing that I've gotten out of the seemingly endless physical and mental stress of this year's exams is a promise that I've made to myself: I won't let my efforts evaporate in vain. Fortunately, after months of agonizing uncertainty and gutless flip-flopping, I think I've finally found a field of study that will allow me to use all of the knowledge I've learned so far. Hopefully, if I learn it well, I'll be able to make a future for myself that will benefit my parents and the people around me, as well as putting to use all these blasted years of insane studying. Perfecto, right? So all I need to do now is just make sure I don't quit half-way again this time. Easier said than done, I know, but hey loads of people have fought for their dreams and won, so why should I be any less capable of doing so?

just a bit of advice

For any would-be educational reformer out there that happens to be reading this, I have a little piece of advice I’d like to share with you: before any more of you start having the ‘brilliant’ idea of setting up an International Class in your school, please – no, I BEG of you – ensure that you have the adequate resources (be it in the form of teachers or teaching materials) necessary to support the full experience of the foreign curriculum you’re so proudly trying to uphold. Because quite frankly, missing out on half of the curriculum that should have been taught and having teachers who are just as baffled by the exam questions as their students are, is not a pleasant experience at all for both sides. Especially when the time comes for that student to go face-to-face with an exam paper that requires what should have been 2 years of practical work in a well-equipped laboratory, with the right materials and explanation of things like experimental planning techniques, hypothesis-making, and analyses of results obtained -.-

So, seriously, either go all out or nothing, because going halfway like this just creates unnecessary confusion and frustration which tends to result in students who just give up the whole charade and end up focusing on the national curriculum like everyone else. So much for your educational reform, eh?

*jfyi: excessive frustration at the upcoming paper 5 biology exam next Tuesday is what prompted me to write this. May God help all those other unfortunate souls that are faced with the same predicament as I am.

random thought

singapore doesn't feel right,
australia's way too expensive,
canada's on the other side of the world,
abu dhabi... terlalu ekstrim kah kalau saya melanjutkan kuliah disitu?
beasiswanya begitu menggiurkan (mending dapet) haa..
starting to get really confused about all this again. why is it so easy for me to put my misery in prose, and yet so hard for me to make a decision that'll solve all of this once and for all..

back to scrappy little paragraphs again..

I'm really bad at cheering people up. Perhaps that's why I try so hard to never make people sad in the first place. I'd rather be the one to give up in an argument than carrying on and making the other person feel bad about themselves (this is probably why I always lose in debate competitions too). You don't know how much I envy those people that can go up to someone that's feeling really down, talk a little bit to them, and make them smile an instant later. I've never been able to do that. Pathetic isn't it? But that's me. I'm pretty sure it's probably because I'm not usually a very sociable person most of the time. I can't empathize with others. I become baffled at the simplest of their problems. Heck, I'd rather work than be asked to cheer up someone that's feeling sad. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't feel I'd be able to make that person happy again even if I tried. And I hate seeing people sad.

--O--

I'm not a good writer, really. My writing style is oftentimes far too formal and boring and sometimes my ideas aren't so original either. But I've accepted this as a part of me. I like writing. I like the fact that I can express those ideas that I oftentimes don't have the courage to express verbally to others. And I like the fact that I can go on at my own pace. I'm a slow thinker (emphasis: really, really, slow thinker) and I'm a die-hard perfectionist when it comes to everything that I'm working on. So I hate it when I have to present my ideas right at that moment without having time to revise and make them perfect first.

--O--

I've done things in my past that I've really, really regretted doing. I wish I could erase all of my memories of those days when I was beyond terrible, because they've often come back to haunt me when I least want them to. But now, here I am. Still imperfect, of course, but much, much better than what I was before. I don't even know how to begin to thank God for the second chance He's given me, but I've decided to try to show my gratitude by making the most out of the future He's so graciously given back to me, which is why I try my hardest to be of service to everyone around me. But I've also forced myself to remember that I'm a good person too. I'm not trying to compliment my own kindness, I just want to make sure that I don't forget that I've been given a second chance at being a good person, so if I keep on thinking that the person I am now is still the same as the pathetic wretch that I was before, then how am I being grateful?

--O--

So, the moral of the story is: Be happy. We've all done things in the past that we wish we hadn't done, but we also have the chance to do great things in the future that we didn't know we were capable of doing. So embrace that chance, and never think yourselves as unworthy for anything. As Coelho once quoted, "We don't drown by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it."

“Katakanlah: ‘Dia-lah Yang menciptakan kamu dan menjadikan bagi kamu pendengaran, penglihatan, dan hati.’ Tetapi amat sedikit kamu bersyukur.” (Al-Mulk, ayat 23)

GOD speaks to each and every one of us all the time, through countless little omens that we often don’t even realize at the moment. For me, with my ability to infer and read into situations being only a little more superior to that of a rock, it took a whole lot more than little omens. More specifically, it took me one heck of a math teacher and a thread of red string to really understand what those words really meant. And when I did so, MashaALLAH, my heart came back..

For the past two weeks now I’d been experiencing an odd calmness within myself. I should’ve been happy of course, since I hadn’t experienced a calm like this since, well, ever. And considering the upcoming exams that are practically staring me in the face now, I should’ve just embraced it. But the thing that made this calmness seem odd was the fact that I wasn’t actually happy. At all. I tried consoling myself with half-hearted claims of how I was doing what I needed to do and that I should be happy that I’d been able to hold on like this without cracking into a billion pieces in the first place. But no matter how many lies I invented to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing, I never found the contentment I had lost. In fact, I felt.. empty..

At certain moments I even doubted as to whether or not I even had a heart anymore since its presence felt virtually undetectable. And it’s only now that I realized that I had been the cause of all of that.

As Coelho once wrote, “[when people start thinking of the world as a threatening place – a place where only sacrifice and suffering will bring you where you need to be – then they will start to doubt their ability to follow the desires and dreams of their hearts, and when this happens] we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.”

 I not only silenced my heart, I probably almost killed it. I was the source of the deluge of lies that nearly drowned it in so much despair and pessimism for this life. And I had been the one that had cut it off during its moment of utter and complete joy.

So much joy that my whole body has trembled in its presence.

So much joy that my eyes have finally given up the precious pearls I thought it had kept hidden for eternity.

So much joy that I felt myself for once, not only connected to the Soul of the World, but practically immersed in it.

And yet, however strongly I may feel right now, I also realize that I am still a novice at this. It may be that the reason I’m able to feel this way is precisely because I’ve never experienced anything as astonishingly powerful as this. Or it may be that one of my life’s quests has been resolved for me before I even needed to embark on it. But whatever the reason, and to whatever ends this journey will take me, I don’t really care for at the moment. All I care to know is that GOD gave humans a heart for a reason; so that they would be able to rejoice and realize that not everything in this world has to be faced with sacrifice and suffering. My heart is probably beyond contentment right now, and I dare not silence it again without cause.

So, I will pray for one more thing now: If this feeling is something that You have destined for me as a guide to better my future, then allow me to continue to embrace it with as much strength and fervor as I do now, because it has been through this very ordeal that I have felt myself become ever closer to You. And it is this one factor that has brought me more joy than I have ever felt before..

For the one that revealed to me the wonders of the world,
For the one that always told me never to miss a chance at trying something new,
For the one that wakes me up with a gentle knock on my door on weekdays and blaring 80's rock music on weekends,
For the one that took me fishing for the first time and got all excited over the 2cm fish he helped me catch,
For the one who introduced me to the wonders of the written word through the countless novels he bought for me to devour,
For the one that never left before kissing my head and saying "Mbak, jaga mama sama adik-adik ya."
For the one that always came back with enough souvenirs to fill a shop
For the one that always sent postcards that arrived weeks after he'd returned, just so he could write and promise us "Daddy's gonna take you guys here too someday"
For the one who gave me more memories than I could possibly remember
And for the one I've never said enough Thank You's to..

I send out a silent prayer that He will allow you to come back this time, safe and sound as you always do.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you :)

From poems to pop

Got hit by some random stroke of melodic mastery, and came up with this little riff for my music test today, huaha! Haven't found much of a rhythm to go along with it though, so it's still a lot more poem-like than anything else - proof that song writing just isn't one of my talents, hehe. Anyways, it's rare for me to write something this good, so I thought I'd come and share this particular one with the world for once

Your heart’s a battlefield

Drowned out in stagnant tears

The sun that once had shone

Now cries in its broken home

You try to hide your pain,

Dress it in different names,

But I see through your ruse,

The real you that is my muse

Reff:

Oh, you gotta just

Let it out,

Live it up,

Let your smile see the light

The smile I’ve been waiting so long for

Reff

Oooh..

The smile that will carry me back home..

Confessions of a Confused College-student-wannabe

 My uncle: jadi janti kuliahnya mau ngambil bidang apa nih?
Me: um, masih bingung sih om, hehe, but i wanna do something to serve my country
My uncle: don't forget to serve yourself first ;)
Me: oh, iya sih, that too, hehe *starting to rethink my college plans again-.-

This dialogue took place about a couple of weeks ago (within a most relaxed atmosphere on the patio of some obscenely rich relative of mine), but the conflict portrayed within it has been tearing at me from within for months now.. Critical decision making situations like this have always left me like a fish out of water - confused and dry of good wisdom. This time it's a little bit better, cause I know what I want to do, I just don't know if life will allow me to do so..

I'm not in much of a writing mood today, and I've already indulged in this subject in countless little notes and abandoned paragraphs scattered within my laptop and the notes folder in my cellphone which I don't have much interest in publishing since they'd just be maddeningly complicated to fully explain. So, I think I'll just end this random little rant with an aptly fitting quote I just found from one of my favorite authors, which beautifully portrays the exact dilemma I'm facing at the moment:

“In his or her life, each person can take one of two attitudes: to build or to plant.  Builders may take years over their tasks, but one day they will finish what they are doing.  Then they will stop, hemmed in by their own walls.  Life becomes meaningless once the building is finished.  Those who plant suffer the storms and the seasons and rarely rest.  Unlike a building, a garden never stops growing.  And by its constant demands on the gardener’s attention, it makes the gardener’s life a great adventure.” - Coelho

Quite literally, I want to plant :)

Hahaa :D

Sometimes I'm too serious. So much so that I forget my mouth is capable of producing that intoxicating melody called laughter. So much so that I forget my face is capable of wrinkling ever so slightly into that beautiful thing called a smile. So much so that I forget my hands and feet don't have to stay curled up and clasped together all the time, but are free to stretch and twirl and grasp and run with all their might. So much so that I forget my body is not merely a rigid shell, but also an extension of the exultant soul that resides within and also that of His who keeps watch from above. Because every moment of happiness that I experience is a mere trickling down of the happiness You infinitely bring into this world.

For that, I thank You. Thank You for allowing me to laugh, smile, run, and twirl, and do each and every one of all the other little things I always seem to take for granted.

And thank you for giving me a second chance to embrace my soul :)

Warriors of the Word

We are warriors of the word, you and I.
Our battlefield is the vast expanse of blank white paper. Our weapons nothing more than the humble pen and pencil; dull in origin, but sharpened by the wisdom of our thoughts. Forever striving to bring life to the desolate, austere landscape, we litter it with the bodies of our imperfect thoughts; thoughts slain by the swipe of our weapons.

And yet, we differ greatly, you and I.
I, am a mere swordsman. Blunt and headlong in my approach to battle. Attacking with wide sweeping movements. Lacking in finesse, perhaps, but that’s the extent to what swords - and my ability - are capable of.
You, on the other hand, are an archer. Atop your hill of knowledge and experience you stand, and from there you witness the world. Only when your eyes and mind have taken in everything that needs to be known – along the horizon and beyond – do you slowly begin to mount your attack. Weaving knowledge, power, love, and skill together, you stretch your bow, holding it for what seems like infinity before you finally find the perfect moment to release. And when you do, – whoosh! – Your arrow explodes in a song of beauty, soaring over the bleak landscape, penetrating the very heart of the white void, injecting into it the very substance of your heart and soul, moving even the mighty swordsman to tears..

Sometimes, I as a swordsman, become envious of you. Whereas my weapon is constrained to the lowly confines of this earth, your arrow knows not such boundaries. Your passion and skill allow it to rise to the very heights of Heaven. Laced with adoration and love of The Divine it returns, ready to shoot through even the hardest of hearts and allow them to savor the beauty of that love as well..

We are warriors of the word, you and I.
And though the weapons we wield are different in shape and ability, we, as warriors, are still the same..

But in an unexpected twist, your arrow has penetrated my own soul. Thus I lie here, a lowly swordsman poisoned by the divine love that you had dipped your arrow in. Seemingly drowning in the life blood that now gushes out from within me, and yet feeling more alive than ever..

Un maestro preguntó a sus discípulos:
“¿Por qué gritamos con rabia? ¿Por qué la gente se grita cuando están molestos?
Los discípulos pensaron un rato, y uno de ellos dijo:
“Porque perdemos la calma,… será por eso? ”
“Pero, ¿por qué gritar cuando la otra persona está a tu lado? ¿No es posible hablar con él o ella con una voz suave? ¿Por qué le gritas a una persona cuando estás enojado?”
Los discípulos le dieron algunas otras respuestas pero ninguna de ellas satisfacía al maestro.
Finalmente explicó:
“Cuando dos personas están enojadas, sus corazones se alejan mucho. Para cubrir esa distancia deben gritar para poder escucharse entre sí. Mientras más enojados estén, más fuerte tendrán que gritar para escucharse uno a otro a través de esa gran distancia.”
Entonces el maestro le preguntó:
“¿Qué sucede cuando dos personas se enamoran? No se nota en cada uno sino que se hablan suavemente, ¿por qué? Debido a que sus corazones están muy cerca. La distancia entre ellos es muy pequeña …
Y por fin dijo:
“Cuando se aman aún más, ¿qué sucede?
No hablan, sólo susurran y se tienen aún más cerca el uno al otro en su amor.
“Finalmente no necesitan siquiera susurrar, sólo se miran el uno al otro y eso es todo. Así es como están cerca dos personas cuando se aman.”

silence is such a beautiful thing

like a thick wool blanket, it keeps us warm from the cold realities of this life, it keeps us sane in times of utterly illogical insanity, it muffles out everything we don't wish to hear or deal with at the moment. we look to it like a distraught child does to its mother. distraught and lost in the confounding complexity of this life, longing for the safety and calm that we find in its embrace.

and yet, silence is the refuge of cowards. silence is safety, yes. but it is one that lulls us into a perpetual state of inaction. it blunts the tongue and dulls the mind. it is the white flag that we raise before we even go into battle, trembling pathetically even as we do so.

silence is me.

Desire makes us forget. It makes us instinctively disregard any and everything that comes in the way of our self-deluded vision of the world. Like intoxicated spiders, we unknowingly start spinning our own invisible threads of speculation, foolishly trying to link together randomly meaningless details and events into an equally incongruous web of fantasies. Rarely do we ever realize - before it's too late, that is - that the webs we were so passionately making, were slowly becoming our own objects of torture; binding us in a cocoon of stupidity and childish hopes.

I have fallen in love,
I think...

Is not love
That which warms the soul?
Like the rays of sunlight that fill me with strength

Is not love
That which tenderly caresses?
Like the wind whose soft tendrils comb my hair

Is not love
That which selflessly comforts?
Like the rain whose gentle tears accompany my own

But above all,
Is not love
That which reminds me of You?
Like the waves that prostrate in worship along the shore,
Like the trees whose hands are forever raised in prayer,
Like the soil that yields in silent adoration.

Yes,
I have fallen in love
With every element of this world that You have weaved into being
The rain and moon,
Sun and wind,
Sky and sea.

And like true love,
I seek not to own nor alter,
But simply to relish in the joy of being in their presence
And care for them with heart and soul.

don't know if this should be poetry or prose?

Ya Allah, Engkau telah jadikan sebuah bara api berkobar di dalam hatiku,
Bara api yang lahir tidak lain karena cinta yang begitu besar kepadaMu,
Dan kesedihan atas bulan suciMu yang telah berlalu..

Oleh karenanya..
JANGANlah Engkau padamkan api ini Ya Rabb!

Kipasilah ia dengan hembusan cobaan-cobaan dariMu
Yang pada akhirnya dapat membuatnya berkobar lebih tinggi!

Berikanlah ia kayu-kayu rezekiMu,
Bukan untuk sekedar ditimbun dan disayang-sayangi,
Tapi untuk diolah sebagai bahan bakar,
Agar bisa bertahan di dunia ini,
Memberikan kehangatan bagi orang-orang yang melindunginya

Dan tempatkanlah ia Ya Allah,
Di dalam lindungan orang-orang yang Engkau cintai,
Agar ia pun senantiasa menjadi dzat yang lembut dan peduli.

...

Dikala bara api membakar di hati,
Perbanyak dzikir mengingat Sang Ilahi
Niscaya kalbu pun akan tentram lagi
Dan kembali pada jalan yang diridhoi

Allahumma inni as'aluka hubbak, wa hubba man yuhibbuk, wa'l-'amala 'lladhi yuballighuni hubbak

“O Allah, I ask of You to grant me Your love, and the love of those who love You, and the love of those actions which will bring me to Your love.”

-----------------------------------------------:O:--------------------------------------------------

Sabda Rasulullah shallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, “Jika datang suatu kedudukan mulia dari Allah untuk seorang hamba yang mana ia belum mencapainya dengan amalannya, maka Allah akan memberinya musibah pada tubuhnya atau hartanya atau anaknya, lalu Allah akan menyabarkannya hingga mencapai kedudukan mulia yang datang kepadanya.” (HR. Imam Ahmad. Dan hadits ini terdapat dalam silsilah Al-Haadits Ash-shahihah 2599)

L.U.C.K. + ng-indo dikit + miscellaneous etc gajelas

I truly am lucky. God gave me the chance to be a part of so many different communities. So many different friends. So many different families. I’ve shared happiness and tears, hysterical laughter and sulky silences with them. Each and every one of them. So many of them I’ve almost lost count now, but whom I’ll never, ever lose from my memories.

So many of us are so engrossed in our own selfish aims that we forget that there are other people besides the usual me, myself, and I. We forget that there are also ‘we’s and ‘us’ in our human vocabulary and our human lives. And so, many of us have become beings that are trapped in our isolation. We blame the world for our sorrows. We curse God for letting us drown in our misery. We shun our families for all that they’ve failed to give us. When really it is us that have been depriving our own selves.